I had SMS'd him the night before saying that I didn't have all the admin docs he needed, but should have by mid-week, so perhaps best to reschedule our rendezvous for then. He replied quickly, "Can't we catch up anyway?". Yay! I was so proud of myself! I played a little "hard to get", and look - he persued me! OK, small scale, but something! And new for me.
So we then caught up this morning as arranged at a cafe near me. He looked dishevelled as usual (this is quite normal though) and not too healthy. I was looking good and felt calm.
(After all my deliberating here on my post about how to appraoch this meeting, I decided to "glow", be excited about baby and life, have no expectations from him, not talk M or OW, and to be the one to walk away if possible -- I knew this would be the hard bit for me - always is. I kept firm eye contact throughout, but wasn't over engaging.)
Waited for him to bring up the admin stuff ..it didn't come.... Instead out of his backpack he handed me a gift for the baby. A cute bunny rug. He went into why he bought this one, why the colour etc...he had put some thought into it - unusual for him because he is very, very lax when it comes to presents. I asked if I could open it there and then and "ooh" and "ahh'd" (trying to validate of course!). Won't go into the details but he told me about other things he was trying to buy but had encountered troubles with in the shop, and we agreed to sort it out down the track.
I tried not to take over the conversation, so just allowed the silences. A 180 for me. He then said, "I was interested you called our baby by her name in your email to me. Does that mean you have decided to call her that?" (it's the name we both like best) and I said, "oh, I think it's good to try it out when I can...not that I have mentioned it to anyone else yet" and he nodded vigourously and said "yes, and I think it's good to give it a little test run ....but your not totally comitted to it then?" and I said casually, "Oh, I don't know... I guess WE can wait to see if it suits her when she is born...". He was enthusiastic about that idea.
Another little silence and he said "I've been feeling a bit low this week' and I said, "it's no fun being sick.... that's what was making you feel down?" (he has had a bad cold) and he said "yeah, that..... and just...life...in general". I took in this news, and just nodded slowly..sort of in an understanding way (validate...). I realised that this was a big reason why he had come to see me. I could tell he was sad and maybe lonely. Heck, it's Mothers Day and me and BIL are off to my parents, without him... that must hurt him somewhere! But don't want to read too much into this confession of being "sad". Mental note: he CHOSE this! I tried to remember what he had done to me, and that tomorrow I would be waking up alone again. No time to feel sorry for HIM.
Then we talked about BIL, his aunty, his mother, his grandfather and their crazy relationships. It was like he was chatting to me like he would in the old days and I was reluctant to play the role but slipped in and out nonetheless...I mean, I have just told him several times recently I won't be his friend and here we are gossipping as of old! I started to feel uncomfortable so shifted the conversation to his work. No jobs coming his way in the next few weeks, except, get this: he was offered to travel back to his country (and country of OW!!) in early June for a conference and he turned it down because the baby is due soon and he was worried about not being here, esp if she comes very late. Good huh?!
Then, still not having brought up the admin stuff, he asked if he could walk me home. I said OK, lightly. He walked slowly beside me and then at my door, I was about to say goodbye and he asked if he could come in and see BIL. I was surprised, and then unsure, but said "OK" again, although not super enthusiastically. Was worried a boundary was being crossed, but accepted it anyway...
I let him inside and he went to speak with BIL, while I pottered a bit downstairs. Then I went to join them, and got busy making a cake for mothers day lunch with my folks, with BIL's help from time to time. It was strange - BIL beaming that we were all together, me very relaxed, H like a visitor and clearly not wanting to leave soon.
He then asked me about some of his clothes he was missing, esp his hat now that it was getting cold. He followed me downstairs and it was an occassion to look at more baby gear and what she is going to wear when she comes home. I asked his advice and he gave it (validate, validate). We talked about MIL coming from overseas to meet the baby in a few months and he said she'd a natural with babies but a bit bossy, and I said I'd just tell her 'thanks but I'll do it my way' and you can always tell her off also. He said "if i am there". Ambiguous.
It was time for us to leave for lunch, and so he left at the same time (not before) & it was a contact-less goodbye and a bit disappointing, but what can I expect? A kiss? A handshake? A wave? No. He's a European so normally kisses on both cheeks are the go but we haven't done that for months.
Brother in law smiled at me in the car and said "well done sister for not rugby tackling him today!" which made me laugh. I said it was hard for me that he wasn't coming to lunch and he said "No, it's not right that he'd be coming". I appreciated that. He's such a good BIL!
I better stop writing..this is the longest, most boring post ever!
Gals, I am feeling OK, was a bit teary after, but nothing like before. It was so normal and good to have him there. I don't know if he was testing, or cake eating, or what.
All I know is I must not initiate the next contact. Be consistent in GALing and acting as if I have moved on from our M, but not from him as father of our child.
Thanks for reading this far. Hope you are not comatosed!
