I never ever let my S see my feelings around this. I wouldn't take away his joy with dad for anything. I just hate it is all. I'm totally pulled together when I'm with S. I have been an at home mom his entire life and we are very close. I just see that now that dad is "fun guy" and I"m the daily policeman, the little guy is showing extremes in his reaction to each of us - and it worries me. I'm worried that he has to act out of fear of losing dad, I'm worried that he had meltdowns every day since he came home from dad's. And dad being the narcissist that he is, of course understands none of this and has his ego boosted even higher by S's apparent excitement when he's around.
The "dad is the best thing in the world and I love him more than you" stuff continues. I can't help but think H puts us both in this feeling state of wanting more from him the less he puts in. Reconsidering how to try to fight for more custody when this goes to D. I know, don't borrow trouble, but H has been sneaky and manipulative to get what he wants, I need to fight harder and stop being a doormat hoping he'll come back...
That said, I'm not done either. God knows why. I don't know wtf to do while he has some girl he's dating and we're legally separated (I was lied to and bullied into agreeing to that) and when he's here a few nights a week so I can't actually go dark.
On the other hand, we can't get legally divorced for at least nine months and until then I guess I have to have the attitude that I'm moving on and no big deal ... even though I cry every day when alone. PErhaps that's my only way to turn H's head around eventually? I don't know...
I am smoking less, exercised once this week, and am eating a little more.
I also see my thread is gigantic. I feel I need to start a new one but afraid if I move out of piecing, I'll lose my friends here.
