I discovered H affair in January. Asked him to stop. He doesn't want to do cold turkey. He wants to phase her out. Why? Why does he owe more to this woman than he does to me? He says he loves me and that she and him are "just friends" now, he isn't leaving me for her, he won't wind up with her if our marriage can't be saved, etc, etc. I've made it clear that I won't stay if she's still apart of his life. Can any unfaithful spouses out there help me understand why its so hard for him to give the OW up?
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Can any unfaithful spouses out there help me understand why its so hard for him to give the OW up?
I am not an unfaithful spouse however I can tell you from my research that you are dealing with VERY powerful forces in an A. Your H has not finished growing up and the A is giving him what he erroneously thinks that he needs.
I see that you have a DB coach. Have you read the DR book? If not I would get it and read that book. There are many other books that you can read that will give you more info on your sich. You can start DB'ing but it will be very difficult to control your H, and is not something that I advise.
I discovered H affair in January. Asked him to stop. He doesn't want to do cold turkey. He wants to phase her out. Why? Why does he owe more to this woman than he does to me? He says he loves me and that she and him are "just friends" now, he isn't leaving me for her, he won't wind up with her if our marriage can't be saved, etc, etc. I've made it clear that I won't stay if she's still apart of his life. Can any unfaithful spouses out there help me understand why its so hard for him to give the OW up?
10 years ago I was unfaithful in a previous relationship. It would be hard to talk to me or to be nice to me to get me to stop what I was doing. What would have stopped me from what I was doing or a better chance of it was if my then GF would have dumped me. Or if my then GF would have put me in trouble with the law or have me robbed, etc. I would have woke up and found it more profitable to come home.
Outside of this, my fantasy was stronger than my home for the romantic side of thngs. I still had alot of respect and love for my wife at the time it was I was addicted to the affair like they say. The "in love" feeling.
Your not going to convince a wayward to quit, they will not see your point of view and being in the affair cause their empathy for you - at least when its related to the relatonship portion to not exist.
So your best shot at this is busting his affair, no matter how you do it. Also if your H is doing some things on "the edge" that won't get him serious jail time, but will get him looked at - it will help to get him to stop some of the things he's doing.
The other thing we are running into "robx" method, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
I believe in a marriage, you do what you can to make it work but at a certain time you may as well let go.
I didn't have a clue how that certain brain chemicals were sent to the brain that caused "feel good" emotions that were like feeling "in love". Put that with the huge fantasy, and you have big problems.
He is not "just friends" with this woman. He cannot phase her out of his life. It's cold turkey or nothing at all. Phasing out is not only an excuse to continue his A but it is very disrespectful to you. If you turn him out on the street and refuse to have anything to do with him....plus start having a new life for yourself, he'll get his act together. But as long as you pine away for him.....he'll eat his cake and be happy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thanks for the advice guys. i agree. i don't believe that "phasing out" will work. I talked to him last night. I said that I would not accept an open marriage. I would not stay with someone who lies to me and that I would never accept any kind of relationship with the OW ever. then he started crying and begged me not leave him. my heart broke all over again. how can i live with myself knowing that i'm hurting him so badly? i know he's hurt me more, but i know what it feels like and i'm not malicious. I don't want him hurt. i love him and i don't want him to hurt. i don't know how to leave. i don't know how to cause him pain like he's caused me. He's weak, i know. he's selfish, i know. but he's also so much more than that. What is wrong with me? how can i love someone so much who hurts me so much?
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Your H needs to FEEL the pain of loosing you. This is one piece of the puzzle that I have seen work. It does not make sense, but it works. Read as many of Puppy Dog Tail's posts as you can. His advise is based on getting the results you want.
Find the boundaries thread and read it.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
He knows you very well. He knows what emotional buttons to push to melt your heart. You are not hurting him....."he" is the one doing all the hurting in this R. He is the result of the decisions he made. Don't recue him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
