Thinking About Life after Divorce

[Gnosis]

I keep hearing two statstically based recommendations:

1) You should wait at least a year after a d before getting involved in a new R.

2) It takes 3-5 years after the end of a significant R before you can comfortably exist in a new one without the old one impinging.

Any comments?

While statistics are good... don't forget what statistics really are >>> GENERALIZATIONS. Mathematically computed.

IMHO, I think that people who have taken the time to correct their mistakes, done their 180's and learned their lessons... these people can exclude themselves from generalizations >>> provided they HAVE done the work.

Generally, it is good to take some time off to discover yourself. Make sure you know what you want. Hold onto your changes and discoveries. If you can do that... then the time limits do not apply. Here's the thing that people forget: time limits are man made restrictions. You will be ready for another R when you're ready. This depends on the person i.e. YOU and on the circumstances. Do not restrict yourself and do not have the expectation that when X period finishes a new R will simply pop up.

What you will find Thinker is that when you're busy enjoying life, and your surroundings, women that want what you've got will pop out of the woodwork. No need to write them off prematurely.

Enjoy life and take advantage of the opportunities.

[Gardener]

CTH,

I've read this and thought about it and my feeling is why close any door? I mean if I'm out tomorrow and someone beautiful catches my eye and we somehow hit it off, I think it'd be silly to say to myself "hey, it hasn't been enough time yet."

I agree. That would be my example of someone "showing up."

A friend said as soon as she stopped looking for someone, he usually shows up.

I believe this is true. And I believe when one stops looking (i.e., stops needing an R) one is truly ready for one again.

[Gardener]

Gnosis, I agree with everything you said except this:

While statistics are good... don't forget what statistics really are >>> GENERALIZATIONS. Mathematically computed.

Staistics are facts. Individual facts compiled into demonstrated evidence of across-the-board, common fact.

[Gardener]

I suggest you get really comfortable with yourself again.

^^^

[Gardener]

Love will find you when you stop looking and slap you upside the head when you least expect it LOL.

Yep.

Wait a year? Pffft! One year brings me one notch closer to being half a century old.

Hey!

[g450]

Good posting Gnosis.

I have corrected my own mistakes and own them.

I have a lot of 180s but you cant completely change who you are over night. But the bad parts are gone.

I have done my homework about myself and my XW and can see where things went wrong.

I never got the whole "discover yourself" thing. That may be what my MLC batchitcrazy XW is doing now but I knew who I was way before then. I just didnt own my flaws like I should. "finding yourself" sounds too much like tree-hugging hippie crap to me LOL. I have my latitude and longitude. It's where I am.

Now I will be honest. Am I over my ex-wife? Yes and no. I will always think of her every day for the rest of my life and it will always hurt me until the day I die. BUT I will not let that ruin the fact that I can love another woman just as much if not more and be happy with another and make another woman happy. I can also function perfectly as a husband to some one else.

I love women. Ironically I love them even more now that I am divorced and have been hurt by one. Crazy right? But it's how I feel.

And hell YES I am ready to fall in love again. My X is never coming back. That is clear now. So I am sitting here waiting for my mathematically computed generalization of love to come true LOL. Damn, time to lay off the Kentuky whisky and coke zero LOL.

Sorry for the rant and sorry for the hijack.

[Thinker]

To paraphrhrase SP, I'm hanmging out in "big EAST coast city for the night"

lots of fun. Not missing stbxw at all, but definitely noticing all of the local lovelies.

Following up on the discussions above, however, I don't think I'll be ready until I have at least established myself in my own house. Hard to feel independent when one is "separated in house"

[v1olin]

Hey Thinker, good to hear from you again! I was following your thread for quite some time and then you went on break from the boards. Your wife seems really messed up and probably hanging on to the fantasy relationship with the om, just like my wife! I saw how much time and effort you put into your marriage and how she never tried at all. Again, just like my wife.

I decided to move on and I proved it to myself and her when I forced her to speed up the last paert of our final decree. She was confused but it did not really phase her. 2 weeks later I started seeing a woman from my divorce group. It is very refreshing to be with someone who actually understands how to work in a relationship. I am a hot commodity and she knows it! We both have an understanding about infidelity and we have both been through it. It has been about 13 months since the bomb and it feels ok to me.

[Thinker]

Last week, on the instructions of the mediator, we met with a realtor to discuss what we would have to do to sell our house. Her instructions gave a list of things to fix, and rooms to clean out in preparation for staging. Today, I started that process - packing my books on some of the shelves into packing boxes.

And got a look at the future...

STBXW hovered over me while I was packing - picking through the books as I packed them to make sure I wasn't secretly stealing any books that she considered hers.

I offered her some of the boxes so that she could do the same - all of the books on that shelf have to go - but she refused. Instead of packing up her books she was straightening them out on the shelves to fill in the holes made when I had removed mine.

She still doesn't think that she is really going to sell and move out of this house - or should I say that in the back of her mind she is still holding on to the idea that she is going to keep the house (and I am going to move out).

The math is pretty blatant and obvious - neither of us is going to be able to afford this house. Unless she wins the lottery, there is no way she is going to be able to afford to buy me out of the house, get a loan for the remaining principle, and make the resulting payments. The mediator has even told her that, but she is still playing her favorite game - acting naive and helpless and confused whenever she has to make a decision that she doesn't like.

[d1adsl5a]

thinker,

not sure if you remember me. Our situations were similar. I haven't posted in months, but I would stop in from time to time to see your status. I was hoping for your success, but I must admit, I gave you a 20% chance....

I too had enough around christmas time and started the divorce process. What has happened since then:

I bought my wife out of our house, gave her half the equity. She wanted out, I wasn't moving.

She bought her own house a half mile away. She moves out on May 21st. Looking forward to it, but will miss my sons..

Custody: I have our boys every saturday, sunday and monday. Wasn't going to do this if I didn't have my 3 sons close to 50% of the time.

Try to get as much handled between you and your wife before the lawyers get involved. I am already 12k into this(6k for me, 6k for her). And most of the negotiation has been between my W and I(custody, vacations, holidays, etc..)

Last thing we really need to negotiate is my pension, 401k, alimony(maintenance).

Rise above it all, it will get nasty...The hatred and disdain for her is still there. It will subside over time, I am sure. But for my sons, I have risen above it all. Even though she is out most weekends till 3am with god knows who..

I act as happy as I can be when I am home. Your kids can pick up on everything. Don't fight at home..That is the part that hurts them most. We told them about a month ago. They are doing ok--it is a concept to them now, reality comes in another couple weeks.

Remember, right now it is about them, not you. I see your mind is on the dating piece already..You need to be there for them now. That adds an extra headache that you don't need right now. The best advice anyone has gave me is, "I you are ok, your kids will be ok." So far that hasn't failed me.

Forget trying to figure her out. You won't. I married a nut, so did you. It is what it is. Time to move on....

Good luck...