I'm seeing and understand a number of things in this equation has changed, you've removed yourself, OW's H is ending the marriage by filing a divorce..
YET, think about it, on the other hand, usually when a person actually gets what they want they find it was NOT what they wanted all along...and end up coming back to what they left...it would NOT be settling, as what they left was the best thing they had, but could NOT see that because of the fog....but the light of reality can be an interesting thing.
In this, it LOOKS like both have gotten what they want, BUT it may be enough to dissolve this affair.
Before, each one has had their respective wife/husband to fall back on...now they have NOTHING to fall back on, but this false romance....that should scare BOTH of them senseless.
I was reflecting on this yesterday, and I realized that this might be what drives your husband BACK toward you....OW is a total mess, and may be TOO much for him to handle...we can only hope this is the case.
I've been continuing to pray on this.
Something you can do; you can pray what's called a "hedge of thorns" around your husband...Tipper had an interesting post sometime back about doing that concerning a spouse within an affair. It's biblical based...I'd never heard of it until I saw her post.
In effect, you ask the Lord to place a "hedge of thorns" around the wayward spouse, making them unreachable, and turning the heart of the OW/OM AWAY from them, as well as turning their own heart away from the OW/OM.
The only requirement is to have FAITH and BELIEF that it will work, and give the Lord His time to work on the wayward spouse.
I can remember praying for the Lord to work within my husband's heart regarding his love for me at one time. And it worked..He sent my husband dreams that he spoke of, but would not tell the details..they must have been pretty steamy/romantic, from the blush I saw on his face as he just mentioned them in passing. Of course, I did NOT tell him what I'd been praying for.
Gotta run, got more stuff to unload today.
Later; everybody..Mila, things are fine at this time; continue to wait and watch.
(((((HUGS)))))
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Mila, This is an example of a hedge of thorns prayer that HB referred to:
"Heavenly Father, I ask You in the name and through the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, to build a "hedge of thorns" around my partner. I pray that through this hedge, any other lover will lose interest and depart. I base this prayer on Your Word which commands that what You have joined together, let not man put asunder." (Matthew 19:6)
I have been following your situation, not posting much since my divorce was final in 12/10....but today when I read HB's and SA's posts something inside me jumped up and down shouting "Yes! Yes! Yes!" I know that your situation seems dark now, but from what I've read on these boards and my own situation I really believe what HB said.
Originally Posted By: HeartsBlessing
think about it, on the other hand, usually when a person actually gets what they want they find it was NOT what they wanted all along...and end up coming back to what they left...it would NOT be settling, as what they left was the best thing they had, but could NOT see that because of the fog....but the light of reality can be an interesting thing.
I was reflecting on this yesterday, and I realized that this might be what drives your husband BACK toward you....OW is a total mess, and may be TOO much for him to handle...we can only hope this is the case.
My XH is in a MLC I believe, triggered by the failing health of his alcoholic mother. She was admitted to the hospital 3 times in the months before the bomb. He was pretty manic for about 5 months after he dropped the bomb. As soon as he bought a house of his own he jumped into an intense relationship with a new woman. Within 2 months that flame burned out. I found out that he was unhappy with her and was planning to "dump" her. However, before he could do that, she (OW) dumped him in a 3 page e-mail in which she told him everything that was wrong with him. That was 9 months ago and he hasn't dated anyone seriously since then. So when HB says this can be a dose of reality for them and a lesson they aren't able to learn in any other way, I believe her!
The interesting part about my sitch is that God in his grace has allowed me to know what is going on in H's/XH's life. The woman who was dating his BMF at that time contacted me and we have become good friends. XH's sister (lives out of town) also began contacting me 6 months ago and we have visited a few times. I also visit his mother in the Alzheimers care facility every 2-3 weeks or so. My point in describing this is to say that I have been lovingly detached for 1 1/2 years now, but get intermittent updates on XH's mental state from these people. This I believe is the grace of God letting me know that XH is moving along on his path to understanding and I am very grateful for that. I am focused on moving forward and becoming a better person and a better partner for someone in the future (XH or someone else) but this knowledge is giving me the closure I need and allows me to keep the door cracked open a bit. HB has said over and over again in her posts that it's not really over until the LBS walks away or the XH is remarried.
I believe that God has allowed circumstances in XH's life to give him doubt that he made the right decision (his mother almost died 3 months ago, XH may need a knee replacement in the future, XH just turned 57, and XH's relationship with his BMF of 30 years is on the rocks). I've seen XH 3 times over the last month and for the first time I saw receptivity in his eyes ----- 20 months after the bomb and 27 months after he first sunk into his deep depression.
I will pray the "hedge of thorns" prayer for you. Let God and the universe teach your H the lessons that he needs to learn. This will turn him into the kind of partner you deserve in the future. He's broken now.
SA - thank you for your nice words and for the prayer words
This is the 3rd day of total silence from WH. Now I believe that he is out of town seeing OW. He has done this before, just flew out without telling me...his business partner. That was usually the only time we didn't communicate. In the past I always went dark when he was with her, but he would email me about business regardless. We will see what happens on Monday.
This may sound strange, but I actually think that the more time they spend together now the better. It may speed up their "awakening". Now they have what they wanted, so let them "enjoy it"... together with the doubts they likely struggle with and the guilt.
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I have been thinking along the same lines as you HB.
I think that the first time they left their spouses, they both knew that the doors were wide open for them to come back...and they did. Now with OW's H making a stand and me being dark they are not so sure.
I also believe that when both people make such a tremendous sacrifice to be with the other, their expectations of that person will be that much greater. "I left my family for you, you better be what I want you to be"... Lots of pressure and baggage. The expectations will be hard to live-up to.
But this will take time...their hormones are still raging LOL
Thank you for the "hedge of thorns" prayer idea. I have lots of FAITH & BELIEF and I will definitely use it
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Hey Mila! I just want to say that I am thinking of you! I have prayed the hedge of thorns prayer too! I am praying for you to remain strong through all of this! You have been an inspiration to us all!
How is your daughter doing? Does she understand what is happening with her Dad?
My H had said he would call kids today and he didn't. This is the first time he has done that. My S14 is pretty mad at his Dad right now. So glad that both of my kids went ahead and accepted invites today rather than sit around waiting for their Dad to call. It seems he is going deeper and deeper into the tunnel.
Hope you have a good Mother's Day!
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Something the Lord caused me to remember from my own situation was this:
At first my husband was drawn to the OW and her ways...as he was different, her difference was an attraction. OW was a direct opposite of me. She made him feel special, accepted, but it didn't go physical, until he was trying to get away from her within the final three months.
I also remember Him showing me that this had been a replay of the relationship with his mother that didn't break as it should have when he was a young man.
The friendship went on for around a year and a half, with it pushing toward affair status the final six months.
As time went on, he began to realize that he didn't love OW, he loved ME...and as hard as he'd tried to get ME out of his heart, it wasn't working. First loves don't die, apparently, and I was "the one", the actual love of his life. Though she occupied a spot in his heart for a time, I had ALWAYS been there, we had the history together.
The bomb I faced was internet porn, and that bomb, in effect, began to cause him to understand that if he didn't do something, he would LOSE me. This was HIS awakening.
He had not told OW he was married, but in a naive way, he thought that if he told her she'd dump him...but she didn't..she was in "luv" with him, and wanted to keep him. And went to GREAT lengths to try and do that, even down to getting our home number to try and harass me, when he'd told her to leave me alone.
Even when he told her he wanted to go back and work on his marriage, she didn't "get it" that she'd lost; and kept trying.
From what I further understood, he had never intended the affair to go physical, but it did, because OW tricked him into it, using the hormonal changes he was going through and with the misguided notion that sex was the key to keeping him. That put the fear of God into him, but apparently wasn't enough, because he fell three times, and I confronted him HARD each time I saw the signs.
When she thought she'd "won", she started speaking badly of me; and to him, that was the WRONG thing to do....he told her off, stopped taking her calls, and she kept on for nearly two months before stopping.
The Lord further showed me that she "purged" the experience, and that was why she didn't appear to know who he was when he called her three months later AFTER she finally stopped calling.....I guess he thought he got away with it, I don't really know; and it doesn't matter. He claimed that he'd found the number and wondered what it was, but I already KNEW what it was, and he never knew I'd picked up the extension, and was listening in on his call to her. She sounded just like his mother, and that really floored me.
I also remember when I hit him with different details, I saw the look of "how do you know that?", before he started yelling/denying. LOL!! And I COULDN'T have known unless I'd been a fly on the wall.
The idea here is that God is more than capable of ensuring things come out within His Will. He CAN increase a spark of love within a WAS/MLC'er's heart to a flame. I KNOW, I've seen it happen. His time is not OUR time...He is an "Ontime" God..always moving, working on time. He is also a God of peace, love and hope; always there to help us when no one else is.
We have to understand the only way out of a trial is THROUGH; no short cuts allowed.
The only thing He will NOT do is tamper with Free Will that is given to ALL people. He will give us the desires of our hearts, but we are NOT to question what we see, except to understand what we must do to get through what is set before us.
I know what GoodAttitudeGirl has posted is correct, the Lord DOES allow us to know things for a reason...as long as we are open to His guidance, He will supply us with insight for understanding, and for the sharing with others of what we know.
No life is ever perfect, but when we stay open to his guidance, we will continue to learn what He would have us learn.
That still small voice is NOT going to tell us wrong, and we learn to recognize His voice, when it instructs us to do something.
His instruction doesn't always seem to make sense, but when we obey that instruction, THEN it becomes clear what the outcome will be.
So, I obey Him, pay attention, ask questions. He does NOT have to do what He does, His reasons are His own..and though He doesn't really "need" us to help Him, we are LEARNING something when we do what He asks us to do.
He has blessed me richly over time, and it has not been in a material sense. I have obeyed Him when the odds looked like they were stacked against me MANY times, not just during his MLC.
Satan, by the same token, has worked hard against me as well, as he targets those who can do the most damage to him.
One person CAN make a difference, and God will use that person in various different ways to make that difference.
I owe Him my life, and use what He has given me to help others.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
GAG - thank for stopping by and for you story, I'm sorry that your XH seems to be still lost but you are doing so well . I wish you all the best and hope that his MLC comes to an end soon.
I too believe that this all happens to us for a reason...to teach us...to grow. I guess these are lessons we can't learn as a couple so we have to do it separately. I feel in my heart that my H will be back...one day, but in the mean time it's all about me.
CW - thank you for thinking of me, my daughter is doing OK, she is very careful not to talk to me about her dad sometimes she volunteers if he texts her. Apparently he did text her about 3 days ago, so I guess he is alive. You ask if my D understand what's going on with her dad. She will be 17 soon, so I don't hide things from her. I don't burden her by talking about him too much, only when the situation warrants it. When he left us for the 2nd time I talked to her about MLC. I tried to make her understand what is happening to him, what the affair in MLC means and I told her to be patient and try to be understanding that we just have to let him go and figure things out on his own.
HB - thank you so much for sharing...you make me think and reflect, your posts are always full of "food for thought"
Quote:
We have to understand the only way out of a trial is THROUGH; no short cuts allowed.
No shortcuts in MLC...that's for sure.
Quote:
The only thing He will NOT do is tamper with Free Will that is given to ALL people
. Thank you for that HB, it's so true and sometimes we tend to loose sight of that.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Hope you all have a wonderful day
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