Nothing more to add. You know the drill with all of this. Just keep the lessons and all the hard work in your mind. Don't let that slide.
Many thoughts to you tonight.
It is so simular to rasing a teenager, the times when they are the most difficult is the time that they need the most love. Many times I have been EXTREAMLY frustrated with one of my sons and would just go and give them the biggest, most sincere hug. Then we could deal with whatever our issue was. We both felt better.
So much to post and not much time as I'm getting ready for work. I don't even know where to start. H didn't stay here last night, stayed till son went to sleep and then left. I asked him if he wanted to stay, H said why? I said because I want you to. H then said I don't know what I'm doing. After he got up from laying with our S, I again (I know pusuing) said why don't you stay and he said "why" he never came out and said "no" but kept asking why to my question..finally H said "go to bed" and I said okay good bye. So I'm assuming he stayed at ow's.
AND, H and ow did get into a huge fight last Thursday which is what prompted H's move back here. Last night H said he moved back here for the wrong reason, to be close to son, because H still doesn't have any feelings for me, they're just nothing there right now.. I did validate H, I think by saying okay I hear you. H then said and you don't have any feelings for me either. I said yes I do, H said no you don't you didn't before or for the last three years. I said "yes" my feelings were gone for awhile, bu they are back and I do have feelings for you and don't tell me I don't H thinks he knows how I feel all the time.
H was late getting here, H did call to tell me that and I asky why and he said "becuase" and I said okay I'll see when you get here. When H got here he said he had stopped to talk to someobody about a place to stay.
So at this point H I get the feeling has no idea what he's doing, H is still confused. At one point H asked if I wanted to trade heads with him as his was a mess. This was after H said that he was in two relationships one with me and one with ow, then said oh now four R's for got his two sons.
H talked D also, I said well if that's what you want then you should get the paperwork going. H said no do can do it. I said I am not doing it, I don't want the divorce.
Anyway, I have to finish getting ready for work. Once I'm there I"ll post more on our evening as there is a lot more to put here.
All of H's stuff is still here, he left wearing the same clothes he had on for two days.
I know that your talk with h couldn't have been easy but let me just say that I am totally blown away by how wonderfully strong and validating you were during it. You really, really DB'd your butt off.
I'm sending you positive thoughts. Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
All I have to say is what a f******* mess this is and it seems to have gotten worse.
H also asked me why I had sex with him while he was with ow and I said why did you? You were cheating on ow...H did look a little puzzled at this. I then said so it meant nothing to you, there were no feelings, that I could have been anybody, and H said no. H seemed a little confused at this point and off guard. I said well that's what you're saying. If you don't have feelings for me then the sex was nothing too. I said does OW know you've been having sex with me. H said no then it WOULD be over with ow! (so should I call ow...teeheeteehee).
H basically said all the things that every WA says, no feelings, I left because you didn't show affection, blah, blah.
H did ask if OW would quit doing stuff for him? Meaning H wanted to know my opinion on this. She's ambitious, ow does this and does that, I took offense at some of the stuff H said OW does--I guess I was just supposed to listen though. H said she does make his lunches, makes him meals, conversations--she must carry these because my H isn't a big talker--H said she did meet SOME of his needs. So I'm hearing that she can't meet them all. So there must be SOMETHING that I'm doing...wouldn't you think?
I told H I was different, I was different inside. That I thought I new H better now than I ever did and he wanted to know like what? I just gave him and example. I also told him he has a wall around him, and he agreed. I said that I didn't want to H back there if we were going to be yelling at each other, that finally our home is peaceful and I also don't want to go back to the way we were and that I wouldn't. I said I'm happy now and I don't want to lose that happiness again. Son and I are in a good spot now. H wanted to know what that meant, things are peacefull. I just validated that yes we fought a lot and I do not want that again.
This morning on my way in I was in pity mode, meaning I quit, I give him, let's D I'm sick of this--oh I was having this conversation with myself in my car, yelling at H. Telling him he was a loser and that I didn't want him back in my life, he'll never change.
We talked about H's previous marriages and he said his first marriage was happy at first, then got worse, because H was mean to #1, yelled at her and then she wanted to move back and D and couldn't be talked out of it. H said he would have went to counseling, etc. that H wanted the #1 marriage to work, but #1 was done. I said well it didn't just happen over night, it was building up in #1, just like it did with us. Then #2 went bad and the only reason #2 would work on M was if H moved back to Colorado and H wouldn't do that becuase S was here. I said #2 was just selfish.
I did say so you've never worked through things have you? When you leave an R when things are bad and then go into another one and then another one, you're not learning anything or working through any problems. You're going to keep having the same problems in your relationships. If you can work through them and get through them you can have a better R...at that point H had heard enough. I was being a little preachy.
He gave me on snipit of the fight with OW--OW told him if you leave I'm going bring the F***** bass boat over and dump it in your yard...I said do you mean she was going to give to you? Other than I don't know what else they fought about.
I'm so sorry, but, I couldn't believe he just up and moved home when there were no signs that he was ready! Usually they show some sort of building up to getting back home. he just showed up, bam! So now we know it was a fight! Darn it all to heck! I want to hit him! But, you did great! And I think you handled wonderfully! Just keep DBing! Because your H is diffently confused! Another sign of the alien!
I would say don't disrespect yourself by continuing to sleep with that man.
May be you now need the last resort technique. Totally cut him off, remove all his stuff from your house, and go dark. Draw the line...her or me! It appears the OW has done this
Quote: OW told him if you leave I'm going bring the F***** bass boat over and dump it in your yard
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When I found out about my h's ow, I confronted him and her very nicely (though I felt like ripping their heads OFF!), told them both I was not giving up on my m, and then went dark. After 1.5 months, my h came back around without her.
You are in my thoughts. Don't let him get to you...he's the messed up one and you've got your head on straight. Protect YOURSELF and leave him alone.
Sorry, but I can't agree. Don't throw him out. Yes, he may still leave anyway - but let him leave with guilt! Don't give him the excuse that he left because you threw him out. He's confused right now, that's good for you. Let some of the things you said sink in.
I think you're right and he does have lots to think about today. I've already spoke with him this morning and we had a very nice conversation. Where last night H didn't think it was a good idea to put son in a new more $$ daycare, this morning he agreed we should do it and find the money somewhere. We talked about this weekend. I asked H if he wanted to take son with him as I couldn't find someone to watch him while I went to a football game, and H really wanted to bowhunt all day, but then depending on the weather thought maybe H could take son, they could goose hunt instead as son didn't have to be so quiet. I did tell H I was coming on Sunday to bowhunt and H didn't say anything about that.
I did validate H, I think by saying okay I hear you. H then said and you don't have any feelings for me either. I said yes I do, H said no you don't you didn't before or for the last three years. I said "yes" my feelings were gone for awhile, bu they are back and I do have feelings for you and don't tell me I don't H thinks he knows how I feel all the time.