reconciliation after divorce?

[any chance?]

I followed my IC advice. Sent W a note telling her I was concerned about her health and welfare. Told her that if she needed space, that was fine. Told her that if getting together for a beer or whatever would help, I would be happy to do that. Told her that it is sometimes good to put your troubles away for a little while and focus on something else. Told her we had been supporting each other for a long time, and that that support was still there. Note was nice (I thought), non threatening, non demanding...just meant to show that I care.

Got a one line snippy return that she was leaving and would contact me tomorrow.

So much for showing empathy. So much for showing I care. What is the use? She is apparently trying desperately to detach, and wants nothing to do with me. Losing faith and hope very very rapidly.

I suppose what I did was a mistake. I guess I should just cut off all contact. I am lost and confused. Not angry, just very, very sad.

[Glimmerman]

After reading your last post, I'll give you my impression. Then I'll let you know about something I did with a note.

My impression is that your W read the note and MIGHT have have this thought (I say might because obviously I don't know). She might have thought "so he's saying I shouldn't be feeling the way I am", which is not empathy. Run that thought by your IC and see what he/she thinks.

I sent my W a note at the recommendation of my pastor. It was a brief note that simply AFFIRMED the way my W was feeling a couple of days after we had talked. I acknowledged the things she told me that hurt her and contributed to our sitch. I think I said I was sorry in the note one time. The perspective my pastor gave to me, and I agreed with, was to simply ACKNOWLEDGE that I was listening to her.

[Abbey]

I'm at a loss AC... she's all over the place and her depression is making her flip flop on a dime.

*hugs*
Abbey

[any chance?]

So where do I go from here? The note was probably a mistake, but I know that I cannot dwell on each setback. I am already driving myself crazy and being completely consumed by this sitch.

She said today (before the note) that is cannot bring herself to be in public.

I am so completely torn between blowing her off and letting her wallow in her own selfpity, and trying to reach out and care for her. I don't know what is right and what is wrong. Right now I think I should just forget it, realize it is over and move on. But my sould is telling me different. I am screwed no matter what I do.

Sorry if this thread is repetitive. Thank you for helping me deal with all these demons and unclear thinking.

[Glimmerman]

You probably don't need to tell her you're there if she needs you as often as you do. She knows and may or may not care right now.

I think you can also get more info out of her on how she's feeling. For example, in one of your posts, you said she had told you "she can't be dependent on you". Did you ask her what she meant by that? You have a lot of uncertainty about how she's feeling. Ask more questions. You probably will get a variety of answers, but getting her talking can help HER sort out some stuff too.

[Abbey]

There seems to be a turmoil of guilt from her.. push pull push pull etc.

There's always the straight forward approach too. Tell her the truth. You realize she's in a bad place "right now"... and you would like to be there for her, but you don't know how.

I'm not sure it's the right time for that just yet though - leave it in your back pocket as a last resort thing.

Has she come right out and said, leave me alone? Where there exchanges of something like that from her?... and then did she flip flop on that too?

Abbey

[any chance?]

She has never told me to leave her alone. She told me she could not become dependent on me, which suggests to me she is trying to break away. I am trying to give her all the space she needs.

I thought I did use the straightforward approach with my note yesterday. Maybe Glimmerman is right and I have told her I would be there for her enough at this point.

I am at a loss.

[FindingMyVoice]

I think you can also get more info out of her on how she's feeling. For example, in one of your posts, you said she had told you "she can't be dependent on you". Did you ask her what she meant by that? You have a lot of uncertainty about how she's feeling. Ask more questions. You probably will get a variety of answers, but getting her talking can help HER sort out some stuff too.

I think Glimmerman has some good advice here, Anychance. I think if my H had been striving to learn more about the ways I felt about things years ago, it would have gone a long way to bridge and prevent our disconnect. It would have made me feel that he believed my feelings and thoughts were valid and deserving of his understanding, whether he shared those feelings or not.

[any chance?]

Thanks, PG and Glimmerman. I will take this advise.

I have asked her how she is feeling, several times. The answer is "not good". She feels she has lost her reputation, all her friends, she has no one to talk to, lost me, lost my family. Very dark. How do I valididate such feelings? How do I respond to such statements? I have been racking my brain to figure out a positive response, something to let her see light at the end of the tunnel. I think the only light she sees is the D, although there is absolutely no guarentee that the D will change much of the above. Increasingly feeling like a lost cause here.

[Abbey]

I thought I did use the straightforward approach with my note yesterday. Maybe Glimmerman is right and I have told her I would be there for her enough at this point.

I am at a loss.

But you're at a loss what to do "with her", too. You're trying to be as supportive as you can... in a way that you hope she needs... problem still is... you don't know what she needs and she's exasperating you in the process because she's not letting you in on the rules of the game, no?

I can't remember where I got this line but: "Help me to understand". I think the best you can do at this point is to chip away at the layers of the onion slowly... cuz she's clearly all over the place. When she comes to you, say little, ask very simple questions like you're talking to a 5 year old. Anything further I think is pressuring her for answers she doesn't have at this point.

I got to thinking last night about yours and Mystik's sitch... That mantra about don't believe about 90% of what they say and do applies here. I don't think they know what's going on with them, so asking them for definitive answers isn't going to get you any closer to the truth. They simply don't know where they're heads are at, at present. Their attention span is very small and twisted.

Abbey