tired of trying...

[JacT]

Shel its so hard not to ctc.I am in my 8th mnth of no ctc.I was encouraged to see imLin had very little ctc too.The website is a must seriously you will think someone wrote it for you H.I am just learning to live with it after 10minths.((hugs

[beingreal]

Oh JacT...I will admit I did not want to read that site. I have so much information running around my brain right now! But I did. Holy cow.

I'm only through the part about "Accommodation", but already bells are going off in my head.

H came from a family who didn't put much stock in education. His father made money (although it didn't go to the family), flew a plane--the man was smart but not educated. His brothers didn't finish school & managed just fine in their fields. H was the first person EVER in his family to graduate from high school--forget college. No one needed it, you worked hard to get what you wanted & sweat equity was more important than book smarts any day.

No one ever asked H what he wanted to be because it didn't matter--they knew what he was going to be & led him right along that path. And that's what he did--he was a worker. I don't know if he ever dreamed of doing anything other than manual labor.

Then he meets me & my family--grandmother was a nurse practitioner, my father has his MBA, my brother has his BSN. My family places great importance on education, you can't reach your full potential without it. So when his job dried up, I pushed him towards college. He mentioned maybe twice that he might like to go & I just jumped on it.

I was sooooo proud of myself. I worked to make money while I "gave him the opportunity" to go to school. I don't even know if he even really wanted to. Did he do it just for me? Did he do it to make me happy? Proud? Just shutup? I don't know. I never asked him--it's just always been a goal for us, this family of learners. And here I was, "handing" it to him. I wish someone had just handed my college degree to me. I just assumed he'd be grateful. If not right now, then when he was done & he had that bigger paycheck.

He went to school full time, took care of the kids when I was at work & helped with the house as well as he knew how.

And how did I thank him? By b!tching at him and making him feel that he was only as good as the letters behind his name. I am no better than anyone else who told him he couldn't do something, I was essentially telling him that he hadn't been doing anything and COULDN'T until he was just like the rest of us.

Intellectual castration, anyone?

omg...no wonder he hates me.

*sob*

What did I do to him?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay...stop crying, dammit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alright. What's done is done. I can't undo any of this.

I am getting this--I really am.

Now he is here, at this point and away from me, he is on his own for the rest of this journey. I can't bring him back to here & hope to make it better, I have to just let it play itself out.

It's like H has built a cocoon around himself & is morphing into the *real version of himself*. I can't help him. I can't hurry it along. I can't break it open just a bit to peek inside without destroying it. This is his transformation. The only thing I can hope is that when the cocoon finally opens, he is happy & complete and finds his way back to me.


So much for not crying again today.

So much for blaming everything on him.

I feel sick.

[beingreal]

btw--what now?

Seriously...find the old timers. I need help. Not only did I just jump in the deep end, I can't even figure which way is up anymore.

[beingreal]

Do you WANT to know how badly I've effed things up?

The light bulb came on today & illuminated the writing on the wall. It reads, "Congrats, your husband probably hates you & with good reason."

He is not perfect, but at least he didn't put a tiara on his big fat head and declare himself the "Queen of all Martyrs".

Yea me.

[JacT]

Shel..I know its hard but you need to calm down.You are looking at the negatives.I did it too and still do it to an extent.
I did the same for my H.Did manual work encouraged him to go back to college, paid for him to do so while I worked my a$$ off, got his result and went into the job of his dreams..health and fitness gym instructor..well did good job of that cos if I hadnt he would still be doing his dirty work in an all men environment and wouldnt have had an A..
Can you see we all do it.You have to remember the good things you gave your H..and did so because you LOVED him and he knows that somehwere in his crazy head.
We all have choices..how many times have you been annoyed at what your H done?
You DIDNT go out to burst up your family and be downright awful..Its not him you see..its a man whos struggling with who he is.
Take your time reading so you take it in.I have read that site hundreds of times end to end..BUT whatever you do do not blame you.You cant change the past..cant but you can shape your future..work on you.Be who you want to be..sometimes we can be mother and wives too long so long we lose sight of who w are.
Shel you are a good wife and wonderful mother..your path may change but your are in the driving seat..Make life what you want it to be...YOU CAN (((HUGS)))

[beingreal]

Believe it or not, I am calm. Just incredibly sad. Ugh.

I'm not going to run right over there & tell him, or call him & express my undying love. Nope. Not gonna.

I'm just going to finish reading all my books & work on me for now.

But how will he know that I no longer place 90% of the blame on him? How do I take back all that ugliness? I honestly thought I was doing the best thing for us. I really didn't see it.

Excuse me if I sound hysterical...I'm just really seeing my part in this for the very first time. It's glaring, is all.

[knittedscarff]

Intellectual castration, anyone?

omg...no wonder he hates me.

*sob*

What did I do to him?

Take some time to have a good cry, and then dial down the drama.

Do you really think that you have so much power over your H that you "castrated" him? Please.

If you had that much power over him, then you certainly would have the same power to make him come back.

So, logically...you don't.

Yes, when a relationship hits the skids, it's the result of two people not working towards the same goals. But if you think you have some Harry Potter level magic to make him do a certain thing (go to college) or not do a certain thing (find his passion, whatever), then you are mistaken.

You are simply not all that.

And that's a good thing. Be honest with your mistakes, but don't make them larger than they really are. Good luck.

[beingreal]

I don't think I have that much power over him, it was more of an analogy to exemplify just how demeaning and arrogant my treatment of him has been, all under the guise of *helping and supporting* him.

I've spent years thinking (and saying!), "How could he do this to me when I've given him so much?? boohoohoo"

Tonight is the first time I've realized the full extent of pain that my "help & support" has caused.

It's not so much the drama that's been turned up as much as it is the glaring light of reality illuminating the pity party I've been throwing all these years.

No matter how I spin this, I've got to shoulder just as much blame as he does.

I'm not the sweetest peach in the orchard. That's deserves a little freak out time.

But I agree, I'm glad I don't have that much power over him. Imagine how much damage I could have done with *that*!

[beingreal]

From an email I sent a friend last night after she told me I am not solely responsible...

I know you're right about this being both of our faults, hard to believe when both of us keep pointing the finger at each other.

I've said it so many times, "...by the time you start paying attention to what I'm saying I AM screaming because I'm so pissed off that you've ignored me for so long!"

Maybe that's why he got so bad & went to the extremes he did--he'd run out of ways to tell me. WE know there were other options, but we are women, we have an unlimited well of words to describe how we're feeling.

(S2) just the other day threw a temper tantrum, got so mad he slapped me, got into trouble & ended sobbing in my arms. He was mad & had no way to convey it.

Not that H, or any man, is the same as a sleep deprived toddler--but you get the drift. You can't expect him to even understand something he may have never felt before, much less express it in a calm rational way to a woman who's spent years thinking she was Princess Pollyanna.

I don't excuse his behavior. But at least I can understand it a little.

And start to forgive it.

I was just wrong. I don't say that very often.

[beingreal]

I worked with my boss today. She told me that our insurance pays for counseling--26 sessions a year for the $20 copay each session. She'd been for family counseling & really liked her C.

26 sessions per person. I'm going to call on Monday.