tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Oh JacT...I will admit I did not want to read that site. I have so much information running around my brain right now! But I did. Holy cow.

I'm only through the part about "Accommodation", but already bells are going off in my head.

H came from a family who didn't put much stock in education. His father made money (although it didn't go to the family), flew a plane--the man was smart but not educated. His brothers didn't finish school & managed just fine in their fields. H was the first person EVER in his family to graduate from high school--forget college. No one needed it, you worked hard to get what you wanted & sweat equity was more important than book smarts any day.

No one ever asked H what he wanted to be because it didn't matter--they knew what he was going to be & led him right along that path. And that's what he did--he was a worker. I don't know if he ever dreamed of doing anything other than manual labor.

Then he meets me & my family--grandmother was a nurse practitioner, my father has his MBA, my brother has his BSN. My family places great importance on education, you can't reach your full potential without it. So when his job dried up, I pushed him towards college. He mentioned maybe twice that he might like to go & I just jumped on it.

I was sooooo proud of myself. I worked to make money while I "gave him the opportunity" to go to school. I don't even know if he even really wanted to. Did he do it just for me? Did he do it to make me happy? Proud? Just shutup? I don't know. I never asked him--it's just always been a goal for us, this family of learners. And here I was, "handing" it to him. I wish someone had just handed my college degree to me. I just assumed he'd be grateful. If not right now, then when he was done & he had that bigger paycheck.

He went to school full time, took care of the kids when I was at work & helped with the house as well as he knew how.

And how did I thank him? By b!tching at him and making him feel that he was only as good as the letters behind his name. I am no better than anyone else who told him he couldn't do something, I was essentially telling him that he hadn't been doing anything and COULDN'T until he was just like the rest of us.

Intellectual castration, anyone?

omg...no wonder he hates me.

*sob*

What did I do to him?


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Okay...stop crying, dammit.

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Alright. What's done is done. I can't undo any of this.

I am getting this--I really am.

Now he is here, at this point and away from me, he is on his own for the rest of this journey. I can't bring him back to here & hope to make it better, I have to just let it play itself out.

It's like H has built a cocoon around himself & is morphing into the *real version of himself*. I can't help him. I can't hurry it along. I can't break it open just a bit to peek inside without destroying it. This is his transformation. The only thing I can hope is that when the cocoon finally opens, he is happy & complete and finds his way back to me.


So much for not crying again today.

So much for blaming everything on him.

I feel sick.