Sounds like you have the evidence that this could be a MLC triggered by her mothers death.I am not sure medically what the view is in MLC but the comparison I make(which may sound a little warped)is when I saw a dead body for the first time.It was my Papa(M dad) and when I looked at him lying there, I thought, stopping a heart beating cannot leave someone looking as empty as he did.Does that make sense? It was then I really believed in the soul. Looking at my H I feel the same way.I cannot believe someone could change so much without something fundamentally different going on in their brain. Keep your chin up..what will be will be and you will deal wit h whatever is thrown at you... There are many people here have initiated filing or have their spouses do the same and it is stopped, doesnt go any further, or does happen and they get back together afterwards(MOI!) You are right to keep your expections low but from what you say, I am not convinced your W has what she wants.She sounds very lost to me.If communication was a problem as a child, it will still be now.She may struggle to articulate what she wants. You say her childhood was good but then say she wasnt close to her brother, struggled to comm with mum and dad especially dad, it sounds to me there are some issues she is not facing up to. There have been lots of activity in the family, they may do things for each other out of duty but was there real love and depth of feeling? Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn and could be wrong but I am sensing that the family wasnt glued together as cohesively as it seemed or she has told you. She is maybe running from being in that sitch with you because it was less than perfect for her as a child.It also seems the focus with this other guy is material based, nice cars,clothers, holidays. We know(and I am sure in your career more than most)that these things are really not important.I would live in a tent with with my H.We own 2 houses, 6 bedroom and 3 bedroom(house for mum and dad), great car, luxury caravan, savings etc etc but it doesnt matter,in the end its about how you connect as a couple, family etc. I dont get the feeling that your W is connecting on that level with this OM and thats whats starting to spook her...could be wrong but consider myself to be very emotionally Intelligent and I aint got a good feeling about their R.
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
There is a huge amount of love in her family, just not a lot of talking Her Mum was much more the talking opinionated one, and the fellas are all men of few words. She talks to them about things she thinks they're interested in - sport, farming, career. They never discuss feelings. STBXW is very like her Mum I'm told, in many many ways. I think she does have issues with commitment. Previous relationships of hers around 3 yrs and then she's cheated and moved on. I trusted her because everyone in her family and her friends all said how totally different it had been when she met me, and how she talked about me. I was a fool.
She's always been much more of a talker than me. The OM apparently listens and talks in ways I 'never' did. I suspect it is more like he says what she wants to hear, as opposed to me saying what I thought was necessary. I've always been one that listens, assimilates later and refuses to argue. She often interpreted this as me not listening as I didn't want to have stand up fights. I much prefer to talk about things later in a calm fashion.
I know that riches can't mean anything - we had a very expensive wedding, and it came to nothing despite wiping out our savings. I'm sure the expensive wines, holidays and clothes will wear thin eventually. I'm hoping the shallow OM will wear thin eventually. Just not really any concrete signs of it yet. But who really knows? I probably only see the bad bits of their relationship because that's what I seek. I don't want to hear about the good bits so probably subconsiously wipe them out.
I don't know if it will wear thin before I've completely given up. Now she's paid up there is absolutely no compelling reason for us to be in touch with each other whatsoever - just the solicitors letters and separation paperwork by post.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
Well you know I said I'd love you for all time. Well sometimes I just can't believe you're mine. But every now and then I'm ready to say when Oh, baby I love you, just leave me the f**k alone.
Well in your arms is where I'll always stay But something deep inside says not today Well i'll be sitting here working on this beer Oh baby I love you, just leave me the f**k alone.
I try so hard each day to make things go away there's nothing left to say for tonight
For a couple of days I won't be comming round I'm going to go get lost, I think I might skip town Now I don't mean to pout but you plain wore me out Oh baby I love you, just leave me the f**k alone.
Oh, baby I love you, just leave me the f**k alone I tried dancing, I just want to go home I know your cooking's great But dinner will have to wait Oh, baby I love you, just leave me the f**k alone
Well I'm in a frazzled state the party will have to wait Oh, baby I love you, just leave me the f**k alone
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
If you need more time then you can always contest..I D my H in 1992 remarried him in 1994and it was my knowledge of him starting to date that me realised what I wanted.. Its been a long day for you ..the song says everything. You will flip in and out of different feelings every day sometimes within a day. I still hate opening my eyes in the morning cos I know it another day without H and I have to face alone... keep your chin up....sounds like you have lots of people on your side..she will come round.I hope shes not too late..silly lassie
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Uh, nice tune Lees..."Just leave me the f**k alone" is quite a catchy line, I'm gonna use it on my boss next week! Ok, your first post mentioned that you ordered "the book", so have you read it and what have you used from it in dealing with your sitch? Anything seem to be working? The beauty of DBing is that you keep doing what's working and stop doing what isn't. It's like daytrading, you jump on that hot stock that's moving and ride that sucker...well, you get the idea. What's hot in your DBing portfolio right now?
Hi Whatisis. I've read the book so many times it's nearly falling apart! Along with the rest of the recently acquired shelf of self help and relationship books.
I've been a bit stuck with just LRT really from when I found this place due to feeling that I had to move out rather than her on the day of the bomb. The few weeks of grovelling and self flagellating, doing all the things she said were lacking before I got here were obviously useless, and I don't think I would've bothered if I'd known about the OM at that point. I'd already woken up a few weeks before she dropped the bomb, and been doing BoPeep extra housework and being extra attentive to her, making her feel loved, and she admitted that all these things were fantastic, but still did it anyway. I went to RC on my own for a month after the bomb, and she refused point blank to come except for on one occasion to "help me get over it." I cancelled that as I found out about the OM 2 days later. I probably did about 7 weeks of BoPeep in total prior to and after the bomb. Exposing the affair to her family and the OM's and my workplace hasn't done anything it seems, apart from get him a bit socially alienated at work, and get me a lot of support there.
The only thing that's really worked so far really is the NC and GAL - I feel much better for it, and the detatchment has allowed me to get on with my life very successfully. I am firmly in control again, and have been for some time. The resumption of power over my life at first was heady, and nice! Regarding 180s I'd already done quite a few before finding this place, and plenty since then too. But I doubt she finds out about them as we're so very separate these days. We just have one mutual friend remaining, and she tells me she doesn't discuss anything about our marriage with the STBXW, although the STBXW always asks how I am apparently. I'm working on stopping asking the reciprocal question!
Following yesterday's events I'm not entirely sure whether either the starting dating, or the standing by my word and starting court action for the money she owed me prompted the visit from her. I'm hoping she noticed how good I'm looking, the other woman standing in my kitchen, the nice clean and tidy house (the housework will kind of be a 180 in her eyes as she was adamant I never did any, even though I did and have always been capable of looking after a house on my own before we lived together!) I think it's less likely the dating as I kept that very close to my chest and can't think how STBXW would've heard about it. Only 3 people knew and none of them have had any contact with the STBXW or any of her circle. We can't have been seen in town as we went to a small cosy pub off the beaten track.
So I need to keep GAL, keep working on me, and keep happy. Drop the rope. I don't have any "tough love" opportunities left unless she comes towards me again. I'm just waiting for the separation papers. I can't serve them any earlier than her, as we're stuck waiting for our first anniversary for it to be legally possible. And I'd rather not waste my money on solicitors when she's already paid. Let her foot the bill I say! I'm going to carry on dating, and maybe be a bit more public about it.
JacT!
Yep, a tiny little bit of me hopes she's going to come round before it's too late as well. But 99.9% of me accepts she isn't coming back, but I'm a good, loving, decent and more recently very relationship savvy human being, so it's her loss. If she's stupid enough to trade me in for that manipulative, cheating, shallow, ugly psychopath, then she's too stupid for me.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
Have also mowed the lawn, tidied the house and really now need to get on with some work boo hiss.
Can't help my mind wandering over and over about how stupid she's been to throw away all of this. Dreams of kids, nice houses, families that get on, me. Ho hum. But onwards and upwards. Some lucky lady is going to get to share it all with me someday soon, and it will be fabulous.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
But there's always a quick win bonus somewhere. Wonder how the OM feels about her still having photos of our wedding up on her facebook page, and still listing her status as married. I know he doesn't go on FB, but still.
You'd think she'd change it after filing for separation and being absolutely dead set she wants divorce. Even I deleted all the wedding photos and changed my status on there, and I don't want any of this to be happening.
Off out for a bite and coffee with that mutual friend now. And then REALLY have to get some work done, and some ironing done.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
lees, you sound good! I'm so happy to read that you did indeed start the legal proceedings. That is taking care of yourself first and rightly so.
Find me on FB...I'd love to hear about your cottage! BF and I love Scotland and are planning our next trip there. We had planned on going for Hogmanay a couple years back but that's when the bomb dropped and I was NOT going to reward his cheating by going on vacation with him so I cancelled.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
lees I am telling you shes gettin cold feet ma man..theres not way she dropped the rope.You know whats working so keep doing it.If she comes back and you decide to taker her then you have enjoyed some time looking after you..
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Her Mum was much more the talking opinionated one, and the fellas are all men of few words. She talks to them about things she thinks they're interested in - sport, farming, career. They never discuss feelings. STBXW is very like her Mum I'm told, in many many ways. I think she does have issues with commitment. Previous relationships of hers around 3 yrs and then she's cheated and moved on. I trusted her because everyone in her family and her friends all said how totally different it had been when she met me, and how she talked about me. I was a fool.