2 weeks left to DB

[newmama]

Piano YOU DID NOT encourage him to have the A! I have felt that weight as well because I didn't protest my WH's friendship with OW and even told him to go with her (and others) to the Haunted House event during October when I got pregnant. BUt they chose to cross the line and they are the ones responsible.

That said, it is amazing how quickly your H's feelings for you changed, right? Proof again that it was the A and not anything legitimate like problems in your marriage.

Thank you for sharing this Piano. I hope it wasn't too painful for you to write.

[Piano]

Yeah, I know it wasn't me that pushed them together, but he had hesitated about the two trips and I told him it would be good for him to get away and spend quality time!!

I think he was having his 'breakdown' already, and I think it was about 'us', work, countries, health, etc --- pressure, pressure, pressure. OW was just an escape. A shoulder to cry on? Which he continues to cry on to this day. Whatever the case, he feels 'safe' with her, not with me. Does that mean I try to be a safer place? 'Home'?

Remember I have the advantage that she is overseas. And I have his baby!!

But she remains a huge obstacle today in my H being able to look at the root causes of his decision to break away from me and the unborn baby.

He is adamant this is NOT the case.

Brick wall.... :-(


It did make me sad writing it, and realising it is feeling like it felt further in the past that I anticipated.

But I woke up a bit sad today anyway. I miss him again.

We are meant to exchange some docs this weekend. I emailed him yesterday a sorry note for telling him to f off and got back onto some more constructive conversation. also called our bub by her name for the first time. yikes! following Bo Peep advice...gee I hope it's the right way to go.... doesn't feel 100 %.

got to check in with my values once in a while when I feel confused like this.

off to the farmer's market - catch up with your sitchs when I get back.

[gatsby11]

Wow, P. Your story is so interesting and real. To me, it just really shows MLC tendencies. Trip back to childhood? OW from the past?

It's interesting that there were so many I love yous. Back in Nov, my WH was really trying to help me with the pregnancy (still not really looking at me), but giving me backrubs and water and stuff like that. I think it shows how he tried to fight the downward spiral.

I think your WH may have too. There's no way he was faking those I love yous. It's, IMO, that he wanted what he said to be true and tried to cover his own insecurity. That thousand years line, so sad. It shows a deep connection.

(I still have a text message in my phone from WH in Dec that says "Wish you were here. Come over soon")

I cannot believe that our WHs are in stable places. They're not. I think your story shows how all over the place he was. And now, five months or so later, he's "so sure"? No. Just really messed up. Still covering that insecurity, only with the opposite message.

I hope all these WHs find some inner peace. Because they definitely don't have it now. The day they do, things may change.

[Piano]

good thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

[Piano]

Hi G,
The two-country thing has always been a struggle for us, most of all my H who really gave up his homeland more than I ever did. We've spent 5 years in his country collectively, the other 10 in mine. OW is, symobolically, HOME. From what I understand MLC = unresolved childhood issues + depression. But he is not MLC in that he is not going to the gym, buying clothes, wanting a nice car, mood swings... That's how DR describes the symptoms & that's definately not my H.

My has is more consistent, looks like crap, has started chaing smoking. So, I dunno, I tend to call what's happening to him a crisis or breakdown. He calls it a revolution.

G, I want to hear more about how your husband changed over time and how the Bomb came? It's really interesting he wasn't looking at you. Fear, disgust, what do you think? One of my prenatal psych's said some men find their women sexually repulsive when they are pregnant (sorry if this is harsh - I was shocked when he suggested it to me). Did you have sex post pregnancy? Again, sorry to be blunt, this is what my pysch asked me to try and figure out WAH. Do you know what I replied? "I cannot remember!". God, what does that say about our sex lives or where my head was at? I hope we had sex...we were about to be apart for 3 months...You'd hope so!!

I don't think he ever faked any "I love you's". A couple of times he has said he did when I brought it up later, but I fully put that down to re-writing history.

At what point in your story did WAH send you the "I miss you" sms?

Yes, I hope over time the come around. You said you and your H haven't spoke for 2 months? I need to go back to your sitch. That's where I was one month ago....as the birth approaches what are you expecting? Do you think he'll start to panic about not being at all involved -- other than financially, that is?

[Piano]

WAH rang me today about meeting up tomorrow to exchange some admin stuff. We spoke first about where I was (I was at the market), BIL and general stuff. I was with my parents at the time and he said sheepily, "tell them hello from me if you think it's..appropriate". I said OK.
Then there was a long silence and I just waited for him to say something...let him do the work... and he said "So, I would like to see you....maybe for coffee in the morning". I said OK.

The purpose of the rendexvous is mainly administrational, but to be honest, if I was playing dark/dim I could have had someone else be the go-between.

I think he probably wants to suss me out on my recent "can't be friends" follow-up statement to him.

The communication after that was post my Coaching session, me apolgising for saying 'f off' and calling our baby by her name.

He knows I have..softened.

So how do I be tomorrow?

NO R talk
NO OW talk
NO resentful statements (bitterness is ugly)
Do I act friendly?

Do I do a Robx? Alongs the lines of, "yeah you're right, I don't want this M either, this is not working for either of us, I've only just realised it. Oops, is that the time? Gotta run, got better things to do! Are they contractions coming on?!".

Suggestions gals?

[Piano]

Before bed, I'll re-read Coach's “Go by your Values and Beliefs, not Your Feelings” thread, which I posted a few posts ago...

[gatsby11]

Hey P,

I agree with your three NOs. Acting friendly? It's really hard to say. What about this description: polite smiles when appropriate, open eyes (not overly friendly, not angry), tone of voice that follows the convo-- solid when discussing serious things, light a few times if you're having small talk.

I don't know, but it's probably what I would try to do!

(I wouldn't say you don't want the M if you actually do.)

Thanks for the questions. I'll answer them here instead of my thread for now!

So. We've been together for 12 years. When I married him I specifically noticed that he had a good R with his mom, which I've always heard is good. About 3 years ago or so he started to be really resentful of his mom. I was like "red flag" but since she and I were so different (she's really smothering), I thought I was okay. For a while now (not sure how long) his mom would describe his birth to him around his birthday and he'd get pissed off. When she left, he'd make fun of the way she talked about it. I thought it was funny. I don't think she should have talked about his birth so much. (And breastfeeding and his infancy in general.)

I started talking seriously about having kids starting around Jan 2009. In retrospect, I see that he basically avoided what I was talking about. Finally in July I sat him down to talk seriously about it. He agreed that we should start trying in December. (He had always talked about kids in our M as older kids but he definitely gave me the impression that he wanted them, even though the initial baby stuff would not be his favorite.)

Then, in September, I got paranoid that I was infertile. So I stopped birth control. I TRULY did not think that we would get pregnant. We only had sex once when I was off the pill and the next time I told him I was off and that maybe we should have a back-up form. I didn't think I could have gotten pregnant from that one time, but I did.

No, we didn't have sex after that again. I tried to talk about it, and he seemed really apologetic. I figured that he couldn't handle the act that created the pregnancy. But that was when he started just getting repulsed by me in general. I noticed, so I started changing with doors closed and stuff like that. I regret not believing that serious problems were happening. I was definitely ignoring.

At Christmas his mom gave him a gift. It turned out to be a baby toy. He was soooo angry. He practically threw the gift toward me and said that this was "my" gift. I didn't think much of it. I was just like "mental note: he's still having a lot of difficulty with this baby idea!" He tried to cover his anger with some humor and then was just irritated for the rest of the night.

And then around Jan 14 he used the words "Having a baby is not me. If you weren't pregnant, this wouldn't be happening."

As I said before, later that changed to he hasn't wanted to be with me in years, blah blah.

K, I'm going to copy and paste this part into my thread so if anyone wants to respond, go there!

[newmama]

How to act- I would agree with Gatsby and also remember that you want to be consistent. It will help you the most if you are consistent. No mention of your relationship whatsoever! No pressure with q's! (although for crying out loud of course your baby is due any day and you have q's!) But if you noticed, when you apologized, when you became "soft," he reached out to you.

So do what works. Stick to your values, but this is not the time to step on your soap box and be a preacher---you saw that pushes him away/shuts him down.

So can you guess what he might bring up? And do you have a plan for responding? Good and bad things I mean...

[JacT]

Piano lost you for a bit there sorry kept checking old thread!Hope you are ok.Just dropping into check you are well(physically).hugs))))))