Either I'm at fault for not being a better wife, or I'm at fault for choosing the wrong man to father my children.
This is not your fault. You didn't walk away.
I'm not sure I agree. At some point, isn't walking away a healthy choice? From my H's POV he tried -- persisted many years in spite of being unhappy, tried MC for 4 months. He also turned into a person who he probably didn't feel good about (no friends, rage-filled, no life, workaholic). When he left he said he had "no solutions" for our problems. Was he to blame for walking away? Or was he the brave one who took a drastic step to take care of himself in the only way he thought he could, and incidentally forced me to look a look at myself and the shell of a person that I became in many ways. I'm not saying I agree with his POV, but I think it's too easy to blame and demonize the WAS.
I was once a WAG (walk away girlfriend) and although I adored my boyfriend at the time, I still think I did him a favour by leaving...because we weren't a match made in heaven. I regret that there was a short EA before I made the break with him...I'm not proud of that at all and my only excuse is that I was young.
Of course I see my sitch differently because we are both married and parents. But my past experience as a WAG does help me to have some sympathy for the WAS' POV.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I am not out to demonize WASs! :-) I hope you really aren't blaming yourself. I hope that was just venting. I still hold sympathy for most WASs (including mine) because they are living a delusion (I hope I used that term correctly). ESCAPING and not sticking through the rain to wait for the rainbow.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
flowmom, re: "quite a few contributing factors" ... I'm sure you're right. That's probably true for everyone here. But there's no point looking back, is there? Not much we can do about the past. Just have to keep doing our best moving forward one day at a time.
H 42 Me 47 DS 7 T 18 M 16 Bomb: 4/20/10 H leaves to live at Mom's: 4/30/20
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1990503#Post1990503
I feel it's quite healthy to leave a M that isnt working. And yes, maybe some of us did fail to see the signs early _I did_
On the other hand, how can a M still have a chance and suddenly not anymore and guess what? Eaxctly when another person comes in the picture? The lies, disrespect and hurt, the EAs and PAs which seem to be present in 99,9% of the cases here make me and others strict with WASs...
In the end, I thought that people that make/create families and bonds are wiser and smarter than just look for...excitement with a new face afew years down the road when the going gets tough or boring. I am almost 40 and have had my share of...fun before I got married. I GOT married because I knew his worst side was still something I could live with and be happy with. He should have done the same before he proposed. I thought he had. Another proof that assumptions are dangerous... K
In the end, I thought that people that make/create families and bonds are wiser and smarter than just look for...excitement with a new face afew years down the road when the going gets tough or boring. I am almost 40 and have had my share of...fun before I got married. I GOT married because I knew his worst side was still something I could live with and be happy with. He should have done the same before he proposed. I thought he had. Another proof that assumptions are dangerous...
I couldn`t agree more. I waited 11 years before having children with H...to be sure that he was the right one to bring children into the world with. Thanks for putting it so well.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
It's the only thing that gives guys like me (okay, me) hope !
I hope you get out there and at least dip your toe in the water Gardener . You don`t have to be like an Italian widow and wear black for a year
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hey, don't forget 
!