I agree with you that you contol the power so to speak. You have the added insite to step back an view the situation from a different perspective. Your H only has the view from inside the "pit".
Your in a good spot and I know you'll do great tonight. Hold your head high, smile, and be confident and in control.
You have come so far and really so has H. He has at least turned to look for the door leading back, that you have been holding open for him. Many are still searching for the door.
Quote: This makes the most sense for now, unconditional love because this is what I feel today. Thought about this last night as I was laying in bed.
Am I being a doormat? I'm doing my damnest to not let him push my buttons, but what does he have to push so hard. I will not pursue H tonight I will not question H tonight
"Kill them with kindness" and stay off his rollercoaster.
... but at the same time you don't want what he is doing disrupt your life either. What about planning an evening out for yourself one weekday next week. Ask him if he wouldn't mind doing you a favor and watch son that evening. This way he won't feel you're trying to spite him for his late nights, but will get the point across that you are not gonna sit around waiting on him and you will continue to live your live no matter what he does. If you can make it turn out to be a late night of fun ... all the better.
I have to thank MAL too for her words this morning for it also spoke to me. I've been feeling stuck for a while now and her words help me see where I need to go from here.
I've been really good about taking care of myself during this whole mess. I do gf nights at least once a week if not more and do have something planned for next week already. I did this even before this all happened, my gf are my reality and time spent with them makes me a better person and able to handle everything else in my life.
One more time, what H did last night, not coming home, is normal and that's what I was telling myself last night, that just becuase H is home, H isn't really HOME yet.
When I was laying there in bed, on my side of the bed, I couldn't take it so I got up for awhile. Then when I was ready to back to bed I slept on H's side of the bed, which is where I have been sleeping the last six months and amazingly this helped.
I hate that his had to happen, am not really all that surprised, it did bring back lots of memories of when this all started, but last night I KNEW where H was and pre-bomb I didn't have a clue. Last night I kept focusing on myself and son and how far we've come together, did the best I could to put H out of the picture, act as if H wasn't back home and amazingly this helped me fall asleep.
Quote: Something I've been meaning to say, but haven't. There will come a time when he will need to start explaining where he was and what he is doing. He will have to earn your trust again, and there are tools to do that. The Piecing Ladies on the board will be able to help with that too.
How long should I give him? At this point I'm stumped and assume H will need more time..
H just called me, "said aren't you glad you told everybody I moved back" I said why? H repeated the question, and said no. H wanted to know why I hadn't call him. I said well I was waiting for you to call me, I didn't know if you wanted to talk to me or not. H said didn't you realize I wasn't home last night? I said yes. H said he was at OW's, anyway H said he was at OW's house. I said was it planned? H said no, he has some beers and then he stayed over there...(man this is so f****** hard).
I asked H if he would be around tonight and H said for awhile, did my pay check come I have to give you some money for the house payment. He then said something about talking and then said he had to go he was busy at work.
I called him back and said SIL will pick up son, can we talk. H said he would meet me at the house after work. I asked if him he was leaviang again and he just said I'll see at such and such a time.
Help? I don't want H to move back out!!! This is hard, so hard right now and I'm afraid H will want to move back out and then what???
Quote: H said didn't you realize I wasn't home last night? I said yes
He certainly understands what he is doing is not right. And it seems that he was expecting a different reaction from you. Calling, checking, all of that and when he didn't get that reaction he called to see what was going on.
Sounds like (IMHO only) that he needs to be made aware of your boundries. Kind of a Tough Love approach. 'Cause your right, he may physically be in your house, but he is not home yet. Your M is for 2 not 3. She must go.
Cathy, I feel for you. Hang in there.
What is your plan for talking tonight? What are the areas or behaviors that you need to avoid to make it a productive meeting for YOU?
Quote: What is your plan for talking tonight? What are the areas or behaviors that you need to avoid to make it a productive meeting for YOU?
First of all I want to ask him what prompted his move back last week and then go from there. I don't want to act desparate or clingy, so from there I'm not sure really what we are going to talk about. I want him to know that I understand he's having a hard time and that I'm not going to pressure him into talking about anything he's not ready to talk about. How do I ask him to stop seeing OW? Do I say at some point OW has to be out of the picture if you really want our marriage to heal. Is OW what you want? Do you know want to be home? I think we have a better chance of making our marriage work if you are here.
I know we'll have our ups and downs and I want you to know that I'm not going be constantly throwing this in your face, that I have forgiven you, if that's what you want.
Right now I'm scared, scared H will move out again, but I really think H wanted to be home, but didn't realize the pull OW would have on him, especially if she remaines in the picture.
Okay - here's my thoughts - I would NOT get in a big R talk tonight. Why do I say this? He's very confused, waffling, and the least little excuse will send him scuttling back to OW. The OW is probably beleaguring him with R talks right now (wanna bet his sudden homecoming was prompted by a fight with the OW?).If you do the usual - getting upset, issuing ultimatums (not implying this is your usual but the "generic" usual) he will opt out. If you surprise him with 180s (which you've already done by not overreacting to him being out) he may stick around just to figure out who this "new you" is.
BTW - the one thing my H seems to remember me saying to him when he was in his fog was : "you're going to have to work through your issues someday, it might as well be here with me, the mother of your children, who loves you even with your flaws". I would have sworn at the time it made no impression, but that's the thing he really remembers.
So - will you be home before him? Then whip up a yummy dinner (or bring one home), put on some rockin' music that makes you happy, wear some of that sexy lingerie (let that thong peek out a little ) and his favorite perfume (or a sexy new one - Indecence by Givenchy is great, other men compliment me on it all the time). Act AS IF things are going to go well. If you act as if he's going to leave again, he will. If you surprise him by acting as if you expect to have a good evening, you just might. Don't ASSume anything. Sure, he could be coming to tell you it's on again with the OW. OR he could have just had a horrible night with her in which she was clingy and miserable, and if he comes home to a cheery, beautiful upbeat you, he may just remember why he came home in the first place.
Good luck - if you get in a sticky place, try something wacky and unpredictable, okay?
Now that I'm over my initial shock of the phone call, I do feel in my heart that H doesn't want to leave again.
KML, okay NO R talks, I really don't want to push him. We'll get home about the same time, but I will try to sneak out a little early so I can be there first. I just want to love him and make him feel good about US again.
You're probably right about the fight, thus the reason H stopped to see OW on his way home from work on Friday night.
Wish me luck...my nerves are screaming right now.
Maybe he was expecting me to call him and be upset and demand to know where he was. I was cheery when he called, he hung up on me the first time I answered and then called back a few minutes later and I answered just as cheerful.
My original plan before this all happened was to go out to eat tonight, by ourselves. Maybe I'll jump his bones when H gets home and see what happens...no?
) and his favorite perfume (or a sexy new one - Indecence by Givenchy is great, other men compliment me on it all the time). Act AS IF things are going to go well. If you act as if he's going to leave again, he will. If you surprise him by acting as if you expect to have a good evening, you just might. Don't ASSume anything. Sure, he could be coming to tell you it's on again with the OW. OR he could have just had a horrible night with her in which she was clingy and miserable, and if he comes home to a cheery, beautiful upbeat you, he may just remember why he came home in the first place.