Not sure which way to go anymore

[Mystik]

So, the e-mailing at work. As some of you may know, my state’s governor is talking about furloughing the state employees one day each week where we will not go to work and will not get paid, so basically it's a 20% pay cut until the state budget is passed.. H and I are both state employees, but my job is federally funded so I’m not going to be impacted. Yesterday H e-mailed me to ask if I was going to be impacted by the furlough. I got excited, even though I told myself not to, because last time H started with a mundane e-mail it turned to an apology and him asking me to take him back. So I answered him casually, said I wasn’t going to be furloughed. So he replied with a question about reducing his child support for the duration of the furloughs.

Oh, how that hurt, I could feel my heart breaking. I simply told him I can't afford to lose any support, he got angry said "But I'm supposed to afford to pay you the same amount with a lower income? Interesting ..." I wanted to tell him that he made choices and this is one of the consequences, that he could be living with me right now and not have to worry about child support. I wanted to tell him that he is putting me through emotional h*ll already, now he wants to put me through financial h*ll as well? I wanted to tell him that I am getting by with my income and support, but it's straining my budget to have to cover his share of daycare and insurance every month. But instead I didn’t answer his message at all. A little while later her sent me another message that basically said he was jealous I wasn’t getting furloughed and losing pay while he was. I didn’t answer that one, either.

[Mystik]

Brain dump:

I can't understand why I'm clinging so desperately to someone who has hurt me so much. Even now, in as much agony as I am I still love him and want him back. I don’t understand how or why our lives got so messed up. We started out so strong, I’m being inundated with memories of how things were before we got married and during the early days of our marriage and we were invincible, we were the couple that was made for each other, was going to make it for the long haul. I just don’t understand.

I find myself having daydreams or fantasies where he calls to say he made a huge mistake and that he's leaving her, she's getting rid of it and I welcome him back with wide open arms. I feel like this whole situation is temporary, things will go back to how they were before she announced her pregnancy where he's going to come back and we're going to be moving together when school is out. I was looking forward to that, and still can’t grasp that it’s not going to happen.

I want to talk to him about her, ask questions that I really don’t want to know the answer to. I want to ask if they’re continuing as roommates or having a real relationship complete with sharing a bedroom. I feel like if they’re still in separate rooms I still have a chance of winning him back. I want to know if he thought she was taking the pill, why didn’t he use a condom that day in February. I want to know if he regrets his actions, I want to ask how he could screw her while thinking about working things out with me, I want to know if it was just physical for him or if he was making love to her like he used to make love to me, his wife. But I know the answers to those questions will probably just bring me pain.

I feel like I’m doing just enough to survive, feel like a shell of a person without him, my life is so empty. Even though he wasn't physically back, in my heart he was and now he's gone again. I don't want to be a stronger person because of all this, I just want my husband back. Missing him is a genuine physical ache, a pain where my heart is. I am constantly aching with the loss, no respite except when asleep. And even then it sometimes haunts my dreams.

On another board my friends are telling me that nothing has changed between now and six months ago, that my life is still the same. But I feel like everything has changed. He was coming back to me, he was leaving her to rebuild a life with me. But it was destroyed by that tramp’s selfish act. And it should be me who’s pregnant, not her. Having a baby was something sacred, special between me and him. And he gave that to another person, he took that special event away from me.

I’ve been screening H’s calls, not answering them basically. And if I have to contact him I do it by text. Took H awhile but he finally picked up on it, sent me a text saying he guesses if he wants to talk to me he needs to either leave a message or send a text. I didn’t answer, though I wanted to. I wanted to say to him that he has to realize how hard this is on me, that he has to understand I can’t talk to him right now without wanting to breakdown and beg him to come home.

I want H to feel guilty, to realize how much he messed up. I want him to miss DS enough to realize what he is throwing away. I want him to wake up from the fog and confusion surrounding him and realize that where he is is not where he should be.

I keep praying for H to come back. I keep praying for God’s strength to help me get through the day. I know He is close but He still feels so far away. I keep praying for God to help me let go of H and the outcome of our marriage.

[Abbey]

I got excited, even though I told myself not to, because last time H started with a mundane e-mail it turned to an apology and him asking me to take him back.

You're still in expectation mode though, and it's hurting you. He can't give you what you need and want now. I do know how hard it is to detach and not let your hopes jolt into gear.

I wanted to tell him that he made choices and this is one of the consequences, that he could be living with me right now and not have to worry about child support.

But you did. You didn't back down. Not to mention... you did an old salesman's trick. Something gets "said" and the first one to speak...takes control of the situation. Note that he sent you another email back telling you his "feelings". You have something interesting there. He's reached out a little there.

I haven't read your BD yet... more in a bit.

Abbey

[Mystik]

I feel like ths is the only place where people truly grasp how much pain I am in. The other message board thinks I should suck it up and get over it, my family, while they haven't said that, give me the impression of having the same opinion. But it's just so hard when I love him so much.

[Abbey]

*hugs*

Each of us has to find a way to try to limit the amount of pain we end up feeling because of what our spouses have done.

I understand what you say about: "I just want my husband back".

I hear you.

I guess the only thing I can suggest at this point is visualize yourself as only leaving the door opened an inch to him. It's up to him now if he nudges it open.

Honestly Mystik,... that sham of a "relationship" with the OW will NOT last. Will you want him once it's all said and done. Who knows.

Yes, he has every right to get a fry pan across the head repeatedly for what he's done to you and your family. Your life *is* the same in that... the relationship with the OW isn't going to last. Time and... god love ya... patience will be your best friend in this.

And yep... sleep... the escape from it all. Been there. Still working out the meds a year later to stop the mid day afternoon naps. Limit yourself... and as much as you probably will not want to hear this... be strict with yourself too. Force yourself to find something... something that is yours and yours alone.

Memories will jump at you from out of nowhere... no cure for that unfortunately. My strangest one was sitting at a red light... and my mind flashed back to a holiday in the Carib... where we were golfing. One had nothing to do with the other... the mind is a strange thing.

The answers...don't know if you'll ever get them. Even if you get back together... their shame precludes them and it will be hard for you to get those answers.

My question is... can you be that "friend" he comes back to for those things like saying he's jealous etc? It's one of the hardest thing you'll attempt to do. Accept that "challenge" with both eyes wide opened.... it'll hurt like hell, it'll make you want to scream... at him WHHHHHHHHHHHY?!?

Your task unfortunately is patience and playing the waiting game against the OW. (That's how I viewed it, at least). I knew I could win it, if I found a way to outlast/outwait/outsmart and outlove "him". You don't let yourself be used,... you just show a little bit of your soft side when he tells you things like he's jealous etc. Inch by inch. Do NOT be tempted to go in for the kill... she'll do that for you and push him away. You have to play this like an expert chess player. Being strong is something that comes with this... trying to get your husband back... is about playing it smart and cunning right now.

Why are you holding on. You still love him. When you stop holding on... you won't have to ask anymore.

*hugs*
Abbey

[Mystik]

H just dropped off DS, he took DS to buy me a flower and a Mother's Day card. I am tearing up at the thoughtfullness. And at the same time have the little demon voice in my head telling me he's going to do the same thing for OW with her son.

[Mystik]

Abbey, right now I know it will be too hard being that "friend" to him. But I like the visualization of leaving the door open an inch for him to nudge open when he's ready. I am not good at patience, but I managed to wait long enough for him to love me at the start of our relationship. I can do it again, hard as it is. Just need to focus on living for me and DS while telling myself that H is messed up in the head right now and it's not my fault, that what he's doing is not about me it's about H. I'm so glad I have these boards to come and cry and vent and whine instead of doing something stupid like contacting H and pursuing.

[Abbey]

*hugs*... just hang in there.
Abbey

[Mystik]

Was just going through some pictures, found a whole bunch from when DS was a baby. Heartbreaking that those days are gone and we'll never share that experience again. *cry*

[lees]

((((Mystik))))

I feel like that every time I see the box on my wardrobe containing the silver quaich bowl we had engraved at our wedding. Sterling Edinburgh Silver that was supposed to be our first family heirloom and have our kids christening's engraved on it.

Sad that those future dreams are now totally lost.