Just another broken heart

[lees]

AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH! Why do they do this? Puppy, coach, anyone else help me with what might have happened here?

Damn woman just turned up unannounced at my door. First time she's bothered to come to this side of town. She stood at door holding cheque book. Convo as follows:

"I couldn't find you house, the door is off the wrong street"
"Yeah, it's a bit odd isn't it"
"I've come to pay you for this" *waves court order at me*
"I see, why don't you come in then"
"I don't know what we have to do with it, I think I need a reciept"
"I'll write you one. How is the new job then?"
"I only started this week. I'm in an office full of mentally unstable people"
"You'll fit in well then" *with a smirk*
"And I don't know how long I can last the commute. How is yours? Are you in a new one?"
"I'm doing surgery, it's fine thanks."
"Is that still with children?"
"Yep, paeds surgery"
*exchange of chq/reciept*
"Can't you make it legible?"
"You know me, always had doctors handwriting"
"Yeah you do"

Then I showed her the door. She said something like "see you again sometime" and I said "Bye."

She looked rough. Not at all like someone who is thrilled to have just had a lovely holiday with her OM in Italy.

Why did she show up here? Why didn't she just post it? Why was she here without my remaining post and belongings which she seems to find irritating to have in her house? No DVDs returned. It is about a 1hr 10 min drive from hers to here and back. She has no reason I can think of to be on this side of town. She never came to this area once in all the time I've known her (despite it being rather lovely).

Maybe she heard I had a date last night (which I did, and was just as planned, a chat over dinner with a potential friend)?

I'm feeling quite odd.

[JacT]

Told you its not always as it seems in the other R.You think shes happy but when you dont see her you cant tell.
Is there anyone you know that may have told her about your dinner date?
My H did the same with D's Xmas and Bday cards..came to the house, asked me if I wanted him to drop them off..WTF?

Shes getting worried you are not pursuing, chasin after her, GALing...she noticing...shes there because you are playing it right.
Youre right she should look fab after her holiday in Italy but as I said in a previous thread she now be realising whats she got herself into..prob starting to see the the Om for what he is.Perahps not as attentive as you, out working, she cant trust him,will be wondering what he is doing.
Why do you feel odd? Did you fell quite detached and unemotional?
Shes not brought your belongings cos shes not finished with the R in my view..shes visted to check up on where you are.Did right not talking R, finishing speaking first..you becoming an expert on this well done....her wee bubble has just burst is my guess!!!

What do you want to do?
I would suggest watch and wait over the next week to see hat she does next.In meantime do what you are doing itts working.

[lees]

I don't know JacT. Probably shouldn't even be analysing this crap as I'm supposed to be detached. But anyway, as I can't stop myself I'm reading possibilities as follows (whilst roast chicken is cooking )

a) She just wants totally done with it all, has been scared by small claims court request for money and the potential effects on her career and is washing her hands in the easiest way possible, despite having to swallow her pride to do this after all the ridiculous txt msg about me owing her more money in rent than she owes me. I'm sure it makes life easier with the OM if little legal and financial irritations from me aren't on her mind.

b) She's finally seen her surrogate Mum who has given her what for and told her to "man up" and pay the money, she's being a complete fool over both the money and the marriage.

c) She found out somehow (perhaps from surrogate Mum - can't think of anyone else I've told that would have any contact with her) that I had a date and wanted to check up on me. I don't think E would tell her about my date, so unlikely.

d) She wanted to see me for some other reason, like not letting go completely, or wanting to keep me hanging, or to placate her own guilt.


I think a is most likely. It is interfering with her thoughts, and she doesn't want it hanging over her. This was the quickest way to get rid of it, even if it cost her. She clearly has the money right now.

Either way, I am financially more stable, and feel I have won a small battle with decorum, pride and morals intact. She has seen me looking good (more comments at work in the last few days), unphased by her surprise appearance, in a nice clean and tidy house with a roast chicken in the oven, and another woman in my kitchen. She has had to back down on this one.

I'm not sure I can claim to be totally detached. My heart was still racing when she left. But according to the 'other woman' present - I was the epitomy of cool calm collection on the outside. I feel puzzled, slightly emotional, and I can't deny that it has opened a tiny glimmer of hope in my mind. I'd totally given up on her, and now I'm not so sure again.

I'm probably being far too hopeful even with that and need a 2x4 quickly.

[lees]

I will do nothing different. I will continue to go to work, GAL and date new potential friends. I will invite the surrogate Mum to a moth watching evening next week as I think she might enjoy that at the local nature reserve. I might pop over and see the FIL. Beyond this, there is nothing I can do except wait for the separation documents to land on the doormat on our first wedding anniversary.

[lees]

I hate all the questions running around in my head. Why oh why did she come here?

I just found an email from the OM to her with links for a calendar so that they might plan their future events together avoiding their work commitments. Yuk yuk yuk. Notice that our 'separation day' or 'wedding anniversary' isn't on there.

I wonder if the OM even knows that she came to my house today and paid me the owed money. I wish they'd hurry up and fall out. No signs yet and it's been over 2 months already, and probably more time they won't admit to.

[Mystik]

I hate that too, how seeing the WAS brings up all sorts of questions and wondering. OM probably doesn't know, and I doubt she'll tell him. I bet he's insecure in their relationship, worried that she's going to return to you. How old is that e-mail you found?

[lees]

Just a few days old. They don't have regular contact by email from what I can tell, I suspect it's because they're always on the phone or at one or other of their homes or texting. I doubt there is any doubt in the OM mind about any future for me and the STBXW - he's such a narcissisitc psychopath I don't think he could feel anything. Has the ego to match the cost of the italian shoes. He wouldn't be doubting his own attractive power, obviously as she left me in order to shack up with him, just like the engaged woman before and the married one before that. He must be SO superior. If only I was a grey haired, buck toothed, immoral pansy I'd be a winner too lol!

I haven't contacted the STBXW at all except for the money owed. Now if I was to be going out for coffee with her regularly that might cast some doubts in his mind, but I don't want to do that yet.

I only hope that the STBXW is having some wonderings as well. Wondering what she is missing. Wondering who I was roasting dinner for. Wondering if throwing away all those dreams of children and happy families and growing old together was really worth it for that loser. I'm sure, however, she's being very reassuring about how wonderfully in love they are and that she'll never leave him. Just like she wouldn't leave me, or the man she lived with before me, or the one before that - now all of whom she's cheated on.

[lees]

Maybe I should surreptitiously add our wedding anniversary/separation day to the calendar. Might freak him out a bit. But then also might blow my cover too. Not sure I want to do that.

[JacT]

Ok it easy to look at the negatives which in this sitch is also easy.Lets look at from another view point.She has been to Italy with this creep and realised he is a serial womaniser and that he cannot keep his eyes or what hides behind his zip from wandering. Shes not a fool and I am sure he sounds like someone who is sleezy flirtatious.
She has proabably heard you are moving on,GAL, dating, house sparkling clean.She hasnt been around so you must have someone else.Her carry ons were fine as long as she was secure..now shes not so sure either from the creeps view point or your view point.
She doesnt have any real reson to be nosey but she does owe you money so decides she wont post it, she will drop it off to see for herself whats going on.
She arrives, you are cool calm collected and have a nice dinner cooking, behave as if you couldnt care less but you are respectful and show her the door.You make all the right moves first..spot on.
She leaves and is totally crazy wondering whats going on..ha.
Lees she is not in love trust me..no way..she is using him to make herself feel better.You said she didnt look so good, the strain of the R is telling.
He is never around..workaholic I think you said...and shes goin to be left on her pretty little a$$ when he is off doing what he does..pulling pretty woman.
That said, and I know its hard, she hasnt been away for a long time..its still early days..but this R aint gonna last.
What you have to decide is would you want to give her another chance or are you starting to move on.Whaatever keep doing what your doing.I think she may be starting to have regrets.
She could be in MLC..what was her childhood like?
She's not going to file just now...I am in my 10 month and not totally detached its hard..but it gets easier..hang in there and see what she does next?

[lees]

Her childhood was pretty good. Grew up on a farm with a nice Mum and Dad, lots of freedom. Didn't really have a communicating relationship with either her Mum or Dad, but closer to her Dad. They just don't do talking much - he's a farmer from the sticks after all! He talks a lot more to me about stuff than he ever did with her. Her Mum died unexpectedly a few months after we met, and I'm not sure she's ever fully dealt with that as bomb was in the same week as that anniversary. We got through that together and it really cemented us as a partnership early on. She has a younger brother by 18 months that she's never been close to either. They fight like cat and dog still. Whilst not being a great talker with her Dad and brother she sees them a couple of times a week and feels very responsible and is deeply involved with family stuff. She'll always drop everything for them, and feels that is her due as they would always drop everything for her in return. She feels that things are unequal financially with her Dad and brother as they both remained in the farming community and have lots in common, whereas she left the fold and became an accountant in the next city. Her brother has a lot of stuff paid for by the farm business which owns both the FIL and BIL farms, but is also half belonging to her. She gets very little financial support from them unless she outright asks for something. BIL has a lot of bills and maintenance covered.

Looking at things I am similar in some ways to her Dad. We are both laid back, both very down to earth and practical, and both like pork pies We get on very well.

She's already initiated the filing. I have the solicitors letter stating that the paperwork is being prepared for the separation order so it can be served on 30/08 immediately, and the divorce will be automatic after that providing I agree and sign. I'm fully expecting it on the doormat a couple of days before that so it can be signed and returned in time for the speedy resolution she seeks. I am sure I am merely a hinderance in her life these days, in the way of her forgetting she was ever such a cruel heartless monster and getting on wtih damaging the next poor unsuspecting soul.

Regarding waiting for her and still seeking reconciliation, I'm not ready for another relationship and truly don't know how I would react if she did show some serious evidence of wanting to sort things out. I'm not waiting for it to happen like I used to be. I know I'll be fine whether she does or doesn't come back. I just have short moments of panic and backpedalling when she does things like today and turn up unannounced.

I don't want to give myself false hope, I don't want expectations I can't deal with when it turns out she still actually couldn't care less about me or our marriage. Rather be pleasantly surprised.

Thanks for your support JacT - I really appreciate it. This place continues to save my sanity.