Well, Whatis is in one of those awkward situations. D16 phoned me to say that "Mommy is acting horrible" and she told me the situation. Apparently, she forgot to make dinner last night although STBX called her and asked her to do so. When STBX got home she was furious and cancelled dinner. The night before she was angry because the kids haven't been doing their chores. So presently, STBX is in her room crying (and won't speak to me)because, due to the weather, the kids cancelled a shopping trip that had been scheduled with her. She hates having plans and then having them cancelled. She then launched into a speech on not being a taxi service that can just be cancelled like that. It's hard trying to be empathetic with either party! D16 has a habit of forgetting things and thinks you just say "sorry" and life should be fine. I reminded her that when she "forgets" things it may make Mom feel disrespected and unimportant. I said that when people live together they have to figure out ways to show respect to one another. I also told D that I understood how mom can feel like a freight train coming at you and it just keeps on coming until she cools down. But, I also understand that when the child forgets to do the things she's been asked to do e.g.'s cook dinner, bring in the mail,chores etc it becomes infuriating. Of course, STBX then has to fly into a tantrum and start taking verbal vengeance which is not OK either. But, I also think that D is old enough that she needs to work these things out with her Mom, I can't do it for her. So, I asked D16 to think of ways that might make this better between her and mom right now. She decided that giving mom her space might be wise. I asked D if I could speak to Mom because we're going out for dinner tomorrow for Mother's Day and I wanted to make the arrangements. I also thought it would give STBX a chance to vent which can help but she wouldn't speak to me. Oh well, I tried. I guess I did OK.
You did more than okay, Wii! Especially, since it's no longer your job (if it ever was) to referee the R between STBX and the children.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks Being Me. My D phoned me because she trusts me and is looking for support for HER feelings. I try not to jump in and take STBX's side, even though I know D16 is infuriating with her "sorry, I forgot" antics. I just tried to present D with the other perspective while validating how lousy it feels to have Mom coming down on you. STBX personalizes things so much that she forgets that kids are kids. Yes, it's OK to be angry, but you walk away and have your tantrum in private, if you need to have one.She once told me "I need to learn to walk away when I'm like this" yet never does or if she does I don't know about it! You can't talk to her and suggest she do things differently or you just become the "enemy", case closed and the phone gets slammed in your ear. I remember once a few years ago D was asking me how to get along with Mom and I said "Your Mom is like a dog with a bone, if you try to pull the bone out of it's mouth it will fight you all the harder" My advice then was to say as little as possible, let her blow off steam and talk to her later when she's calmed down. Usually when she's calmed down she will have some remorse for her behaviour and is more willing to be reasonable. Well, the good thing is that I no longer have to be there to witness any of this sh!t!
Well I see some people that can simply 'forget the past' and move on to never look back. Perhaps some of the WAS?
For me I think I'll be around after the D is over. Reading old posts is painful for me. It reminds me how many years have been wasted over this drama.
Wii, you did a great job of helping your DD work though the issues. It's too bad STBX (she's still STB?) isn't capable of being the calm, composed adult like you.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
STBX personalizes things so much that she forgets that kids are kids. Yes, it's OK to be angry, but you walk away and have your tantrum in private, if you need to have one.
Oh the things you think about after the die has been cast. STBXW's mom -- whom STBXW just worships -- once went an entire summer without speaking to her three teenage daughters.
Really, STBXW told me the story years ago. Basically MIL said breakfast/lunch/dinner is ready and then went in her room and read romance novel after romance novel.
STBXW and her two sisters could go anywhere, do anything.
This is what STBXW grew up watching.
It's no wonder she's all screwed up.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
My W spent twenty years growing up in a family where Dad was having an A and her Mom knew about it. Of course, Mom spent a lot of time trying to turn the kids against Dad. It was an incredibly bitter place to grow up. That's why I never thought she'd ever do what she did after having experienced the pain she did growing up but I was wrong. I guess you repeat what you learned. I once said to her "If you want to live like your Dad then go ahead, but I won't live like your friggin' Mom" and I didn't, I left.
If there's one thing I hate it's Saturdays where I'm alone and with nothing to do. I had planned earlier in the week to go to a baseball game this afternoon but the weather is rainy and windy, so that didn't happen. I tried to go out and get my mother a Mother's Day gift but couldn't find a freakin' parking spot! I did do grocery shopping this morning which got me out for a bit. Tonight, there's a church service I could go to at 6:00pm.but I don't really feel like going. Last night, I stayed up unusually late thinking that I would be able to sleep in this morning but I woke up at 6:30 am anyway. So I'm tired, grumpy and looking out my window at a lousy day. It doesn't help to know your kids are with the Wicked Witch tonight. Oh well, I do find evenings pass by much faster and I actually enjoy them by myself. Maybe I'll finish the book I've been reading. I will overcome!!!
