Not sure which way to go anymore

[Mystik]

Brain dump:

I can't understand why I'm clinging so desperately to someone who has hurt me so much. Even now, in as much agony as I am I still love him and want him back. I don’t understand how or why our lives got so messed up. We started out so strong, I’m being inundated with memories of how things were before we got married and during the early days of our marriage and we were invincible, we were the couple that was made for each other, was going to make it for the long haul. I just don’t understand.

I find myself having daydreams or fantasies where he calls to say he made a huge mistake and that he's leaving her, she's getting rid of it and I welcome him back with wide open arms. I feel like this whole situation is temporary, things will go back to how they were before she announced her pregnancy where he's going to come back and we're going to be moving together when school is out. I was looking forward to that, and still can’t grasp that it’s not going to happen.

I want to talk to him about her, ask questions that I really don’t want to know the answer to. I want to ask if they’re continuing as roommates or having a real relationship complete with sharing a bedroom. I feel like if they’re still in separate rooms I still have a chance of winning him back. I want to know if he thought she was taking the pill, why didn’t he use a condom that day in February. I want to know if he regrets his actions, I want to ask how he could screw her while thinking about working things out with me, I want to know if it was just physical for him or if he was making love to her like he used to make love to me, his wife. But I know the answers to those questions will probably just bring me pain.

I feel like I’m doing just enough to survive, feel like a shell of a person without him, my life is so empty. Even though he wasn't physically back, in my heart he was and now he's gone again. I don't want to be a stronger person because of all this, I just want my husband back. Missing him is a genuine physical ache, a pain where my heart is. I am constantly aching with the loss, no respite except when asleep. And even then it sometimes haunts my dreams.

On another board my friends are telling me that nothing has changed between now and six months ago, that my life is still the same. But I feel like everything has changed. He was coming back to me, he was leaving her to rebuild a life with me. But it was destroyed by that tramp’s selfish act. And it should be me who’s pregnant, not her. Having a baby was something sacred, special between me and him. And he gave that to another person, he took that special event away from me.

I’ve been screening H’s calls, not answering them basically. And if I have to contact him I do it by text. Took H awhile but he finally picked up on it, sent me a text saying he guesses if he wants to talk to me he needs to either leave a message or send a text. I didn’t answer, though I wanted to. I wanted to say to him that he has to realize how hard this is on me, that he has to understand I can’t talk to him right now without wanting to breakdown and beg him to come home.

I want H to feel guilty, to realize how much he messed up. I want him to miss DS enough to realize what he is throwing away. I want him to wake up from the fog and confusion surrounding him and realize that where he is is not where he should be.

I keep praying for H to come back. I keep praying for God’s strength to help me get through the day. I know He is close but He still feels so far away. I keep praying for God to help me let go of H and the outcome of our marriage.