What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[gatsby11]

No worries about talking about your sitch in my thread.

I'm glad you said that doing errands with the baby is the best! It's definitely something I'm reading, since I'm always an efficient park, run in, grab directly, run out and back home type of gal. And the baby is going to sloooooow that all down. but it's okay. i've really been prepping myself for it.

i've put off shopping already tonight, so i'll try to imagine what it will be like with the little one!

in other news, i had to say that i totally had a flirtatious interaction with a cute cashier at whole foods today. i had noticed him two weeks ago, but today i totally went to his line even though it wasn't the closest to me. (just for fun.) but then he started talking to me! he explained he was a physical therapy student and he's in finals right now and he just got to work. . it was cute. i have to go back on sunday morning so i might just go to his line again! for the fun of it.

k, i'll see ya'll later tonight!

[gatsby11]

I don't know why I said "reading" in the second line. I think I meant "getting ready for". . . ?

[newmama]

lol! You know there are some men who have a thing for preggos! just teasing! But there are loads of decent guys who are impressed and in awe of pregnant women, let alone their boobs are bigger! OK yes, it is fun to flirt and I'm glad you did it! Hey, if you can flirt while pregnant and catch a guy's interest, just think of a few months from now! (hopefully it will be your H though!)

[newmama]

Are you having ridiculous dreams about accidents involving your baby? I did and they lasted for the first several months after he was born. Luckily I learned it was normal...here are some examples of FEARS:

-afraid I would drop him
-afraid he would grab a knife I had laying around[duh-never would that happen]
-afraid I would trip on the stairs and he would go flying
-afraid I would fall asleep while nursing him and smother him
-afraid I would step on him accidentally and smash his head
-afraid I would leave him in the shopping cart and drive away, because I was so used to not having a baby
-afraid I would sleep through his cries (duh- living alone at night with just me and him)
-afraid I would spill hot coffee on him (duh- this is avoidable!)

and to this day- afraid I would lock him in the car--


I have a system down to ensure this. I have locked my keys in my car about 5 times in the last 8 years so it really scares me. What I do is unlock all the doors first, then make sure my keys are on me. I walk around and get S out. Then I get the diaper bag and lock the doors. When putting him back, I make sure all the doors are unlocked and then I toss my keys in the driver's seat (because my hands are full and I need some place to put the keys), leaving his door open until I double check that all the doors are unlocked. When this is done, I close his door and then get into the driver's seat and go. Of course I could just leave my keys sticking out in the car door but there are so many habits to undo that this complicated OCD system seems to work for me!

I hope I didn't scare you- I was trying to point out all the little worries. And I only dropped S once in real life- he was in his bouncer and I was moving his bouncer to the other room. I lifted it off the floor about 5 inches and he started to fall out, but he bent his knees so he just kind of kneeled. I caught him in time! I never told WH that one!

[gatsby11]

I have not had any dreams yet like that, but I hear it's supposed to happen! I'll let ya know if it does.

I love the car system. I sort of have something like that in that I make sure that I lock my car once I'm out with the keys so I make sure I have them. Even if I have my keys in my hand, I won't push lock with the door open. A couple of years ago I locked my keys in the car something like 4 times in a month or something (must've been really stressed out), so since then I've followed my system.

[gatsby11]

From P's thread, my sitch:

So. We've been together for 12 years. When I married him I specifically noticed that he had a good R with his mom, which I've always heard is good. About 3 years ago or so he started to be really resentful of his mom. I was like "red flag" but since she and I were so different (she's really smothering), I thought I was okay. For a while now (not sure how long) his mom would describe his birth to him around his birthday and he'd get pissed off. When she left, he'd make fun of the way she talked about it. I thought it was funny. I don't think she should have talked about his birth so much. (And breastfeeding and his infancy in general.)

I started talking seriously about having kids starting around Jan 2009. In retrospect, I see that he basically avoided what I was talking about. Finally in July I sat him down to talk seriously about it. He agreed that we should start trying in December. (He had always talked about kids in our M as older kids but he definitely gave me the impression that he wanted them, even though the initial baby stuff would not be his favorite.)

Then, in September, I got paranoid that I was infertile. So I stopped birth control. I TRULY did not think that we would get pregnant. We only had sex once when I was off the pill and the next time I told him I was off and that maybe we should have a back-up form. I didn't think I could have gotten pregnant from that one time, but I did.

No, we didn't have sex after that again. I tried to talk about it, and he seemed really apologetic. I figured that he couldn't handle the act that created the pregnancy. But that was when he started just getting repulsed by me in general. I noticed, so I started changing with doors closed and stuff like that. I regret not believing that serious problems were happening. I was definitely ignoring.

At Christmas his mom gave him a gift. It turned out to be a baby toy. He was soooo angry. He practically threw the gift toward me and said that this was "my" gift. I didn't think much of it. I was just like "mental note: he's still having a lot of difficulty with this baby idea!" He tried to cover his anger with some humor and then was just irritated for the rest of the night.

And then around Jan 14 he used the words "Having a baby is not me. If you weren't pregnant, this wouldn't be happening."

As I said before, later that changed to he hasn't wanted to be with me in years, blah blah.



How depressing.

[gatsby11]

I feel like I should clarify more here, too: he was suicidal back in Dec and that's why we got him into therapy. Once there, he got the diagnosis of adjustment disorder for the pregnancy.

In the one day of Marital Counseling we had, he said that yes, he had problems with the pregnancy, but he also didn't want to be with me.

Through his sister I later heard this: He missed me, we were best friends, he loved me, but we both wanted different things in life. I wanted kids and he didn't.

I think that the last one is the closest to the truth.

We have been in light communication since Feb. Just money logistics and then that one "light" email I sent to try to break any ice so he would contact me.

Do I think he will want to be with the baby? I do. I think that it will be HUGE in his life and that he's trying to avoid it, but if he can meet her once and then process his feelings with his therapist, I think he can come to terms with the baby.

But he might not. Right now he goes back and forth. He wants to father her, he wants to just send money.

Then if he does come to love the baby and want to be with her, we would have to look at us. And that may be a whole new hurdle. So I guess I sort of have two hurdles in my sitch.

Ok, I think that's all!

[newmama]

Wow, Gatsby. It really does sound like pregnancy could be the legitimate trigger for your H's freak out. This means you have a really good chance of getting your relationship back once he "adjusts" to the pregnancy. Yes, he will need to adjust to her but he will fall in love! It will help if he is there at the birth but the birth is not necessary for that to happen.

But what about his mental state- the things you mentioned about him being suicidal-what in the world? Has he been before?

And 3 years ago...what was happening in his life when he started getting resentful of his mom? Did his mom's life change at that time?

[newmama]

12 years is a long time to establish that bond to one another. I think my WH and I were together the shortest amount of time among all of us...I met him in 04 and he left in 09.

[gatsby11]

Yeah, 12 years is a long time but we were 16/17 at that time. So we were way too young. We got married when I was 21 and he was 20 back in 2001. I tend to think people who were "of age" when they got married have much better chances of lasting. But we still kept saying that we were a good match, up 'till the summer.

I think the pregnancy is the trigger. But I don't know if that means that he will come around after the birth. He is very serious that he does not want to be a full-time dad. He could be a weekend dad, he told me, but nothing more. And I think it could take him years to get over that idea, too, even with therapy.

He hadn't been suicidal before, but he has always been a little dramatic. (Writing poetry, crying at songs, that kind of thing.) His therapist says that the suicidal thoughts were directly related to the adjustment disorder. He's been very clear that he is not feeling like he wants to die anymore. (Partially because "the problem"-- baby and me-- aren't in the daily picture!)

I can't figure WH out. Really, his story changes a lot because he doesn't know what is happening. But what I described is how it makes sense to me.

In other news, just got my pregnancy photos! I think they came out well. And I did a bunch of nude shots. My photographer said she wished she would have done that when she was pregnant: to preserve that body in time! They are all just for me, but if I get married again, I'm sure I'll show him. (They're partially FOR that new husband!) And if my WH can ever deal with it and want to be with me, then I'd show him. I guess. Little nervous about that one.

It's 11:11! Make a wish! Okay, done.