Hi Antlers, I'm sorry you're in a rough spot right now in life. The craziness of the legal side of things, the intensity of the emotions... fear, anxiety, disappointment... all colouring the thought process.
I hope you can find some way to get some relief from the stress of it, support from your friends & family, and peace from self-forgiveness.
I was happy to read that you & your son are having more positive interactions.
Something to think about that has helped me reframe events of loss in my life in the past few years.
"That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.”=== R. Bach
Take care Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.