Great advice Ellie. That would definitely be a 180, and I bet it blows his mind.
Hey Cathy, Something I've been meaning to say, but haven't. There will come a time when he will need to start explaining where he was and what he is doing. He will have to earn your trust again, and there are tools to do that. The Piecing Ladies on the board will be able to help with that too.
You're not there yet, but don't give up hope. I don't exactly know when you can ask that of him, but first things first. Let's get him comfy at home, and when he is feeling more stable, you can work on the next goals.
For now, plan what you're doing tonight!
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Quote: Don't discuss it. Make plans NOW for the kids tonight so that you can GO OUT - do NOT be home tonight - come home VERY LATE. If he DOES come home or call he'll be wondering where you are and with whom.
Forgive me as I am trying to understand the dynamics of this.
Her H was out, unaccounted for. She feels hurt, sad, betrayed and confused given the recent events.
Again, forgive me, but how does inflicting the same behavior on H make progress?
Is the thought process in H supposed to be. "wow, I went out the other night, didn't call now Left is out. I wonder who she is with or what she is doing." "Gosh this sucks, I need to get my act together and make changes."
Maybe in my very beginner understanding I'm missing a key piece that will help make sense of all of that thought process. Maybe I'm using a logical mind and the H is using some other alien mind. ??
I know that doing a 180 will sometimes make WAS do a double take. But is the double take we want them to take one that breeds doubt and mistrust?
Quote: Odga is right, he is on his own rollercoaster. I know it is his own doing, but right now his emotions, though possibly hidden from you, are also a mess. Give him this gift of time and space to work them out while he is with yoou. How would he expect you to react to the night? What would a 180 be? Not saying anything? Asking if he had fun? Just cook a great dinner tonight, if that is the norm, and make him miss coming home after work.
This is your gift to him...time and understanding.
I just don't know what to say today. H is the same guy he was when H left, I guess I shouldn't expect everything to just CHANGE now that H is home. H has been struggling this last week, I can see it and feel it. I know H needs time and space and me to be his friend, no expectations. H is still very confused. I do feel good in the fact that H is home. That does give me some comfort and the fact that H did come home and everything that lead up to it was an indication that H wants to be here.
I'm sure H had no idea on how it would actually feel once he was out of OW's house. Tuesday night I could see that he was kind of depressed, had a stay away from me attitude. If in fact he was having a few beers, it could have just been a lie to get himself to OW's. When I see him tonight, his face will show me where he really was and what H was doing, he couldn't have shaved and will have the same clothes on I'm sure.
Thank you Jackie for your kind words.
I will have dinner for us, my shows are on tonight. More than likely H will go to bed early anyways and that will give us both space. I'm not going to yell, I just don't feel like it, I'm detached from him. H screwed up knows he screwed up and I can't do anything about it can I?
That's if all if his stuff isn't moved back out...
The problem is, H thinks he is perfectly free to dither around in his indecision. He can spend the night with the OW, (and there's really no doubt that's where he was, is there?) and then come home to "compare" and see if he wants to stay or go - the power of decision is all his. If, on the other hand, he sees that his W has a life, friends, and maybe, just maybe, there is a possibility SHE might meet someone new - that suddenly makes him realize that he might lose her. That the decision making might not all be in his hands. And believe me, even when they are sleeping with the OP, just the thought of the LBS in the arms of another can still drive them crazy.
Note that I am not advocating ACTUALLY dating - just giving the S the idea that it could happen. Also - the 180 of her not being the "boring responsible one" can be a good thing.
It's no coincidence that when the LBS finally gives up and moves on, the WAS often tries to come back. Isn't it better to trigger some of that jealousy now, before it's too late?
I guess this doesn't get any easier once they move back, does it...
Quote: And, as usualy, YOU cannot fight this battle for him. I am not sure how I would approach him when you talk to him. Perhaps say nothing and wait for his explanation, if he offers one. Love and support him. Don't let him push any buttons.
Love and Support and not letting him push my buttons is my plan for tonight. I mean really what can I do about it? It was H's choice, it's H's hell and I cannot do anything to change him. I won't make H feel bad as I'm sure H feels bad enough, H won't act that way, but I know he will.
All the great advice here is making my head spin....
I feel that at this point, I have all the power, H might think H does, but I'm watching this just as closely as H is...if this drinking sh*t doesn't quit, than frankly I don't know that I want to stay with him, mainly because of our son.
I'm not going anywhere tonight but home. I do have plans for this weekend with gf's to go a football game and hockey game and then out for drinks. I have been doing this the whole time H has been gone, the more I'm out there the more chance of me meeting someone else, not that that's why I'm looking for, but hey it came happen.
Quote: It's no coincidence that when the LBS finally gives up and moves on, the WAS often tries to come back. Isn't it better to trigger some of that jealousy now, before it's too late?
I thought I had been triggering jealousy the whole time as H is always questioning me on where I'm going, who I'm with, do I have a BF, and such. When I am ready to move on I will move on and not look back, it'll be late by then as if my H gets this desparate to make all these changes I don't believe that he would be able to follow through, he hasn't up until now, nor for any other relationship he's been in.
Quote: If, on the other hand, he sees that his W has a life, friends, and maybe, just maybe, there is a possibility SHE might meet someone new
Ellie I've had all this through the whole summer and H knows it.
Thanks for stopping by I need everything I can get today.
This makes the most sense for now, unconditional love because this is what I feel today. Thought about this last night as I was laying in bed.
Am I being a doormat? I'm doing my damnest to not let him push my buttons, but what does he have to push so hard. I will not pursue H tonight I will not question H tonight IMHO--it's common courtesy to call and let someone know where you're at or if you're not coming home. This does take me back to my highschool days and the hell I put my mom through by not coming home at night, not being there at curfew....what goes around comes around..
Quote: Why don't you wait and see if he explains where he was? Then take it from there. Whatever you do, don't push. Because you could push him right out the door. He's watching you too, to see how you react, how you've changed. He's going to want "walking talking perfection" from you. That's impossible to be, I know. Yet, I think you can be pretty darn close to it. Don't give him a reason to blame you for his confusion or for him giving up, okay?
Quote: I feel that at this point, I have all the power, H might think H does
Remember this, please. Hold your head up high. I have been thinking about this a lot over the past couple of days. 1. I have NOTHING to be ashamed of. 2. I am proud of how I have hanlded myself. 3. I have nothing to look back at and regret. 4. I have nothing that my kids will look down on me for. 5. I am closer to my kids than I have ever been. 6. I have a closer relationship to the Lord than ever. 7. I am certain that my life is going to be okay. It's just my M that sucks.
Hang in there, girlfriend.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Remember this, please. Hold your head up high. I have been thinking about this a lot over the past couple of days. 1. I have NOTHING to be ashamed of. 2. I am proud of how I have hanlded myself. 3. I have nothing to look back at and regret. 4. I have nothing that my kids will look down on me for. 5. I am closer to my kids than I have ever been. 6. I have a closer relationship to the Lord than ever. 7. I am certain that my life is going to be okay. It's just my M that sucks.
Believe it or not ALL of this has kept me going and holding my HEAD high.
All of it.