sadly to admit it, yes. I wish he never wanted to go there. But am I glad my son feels secure? Of course. Do I fear I"m losing not only my H but my S? Yes.
I distrust his “photos” of S at his house – was it to comfort me, or to prove he was right?
He said he was ‘too stressed’ to talk about a schedule last night for Shabbat ( our usual friday night dinner). I said ok calm down and get back to me. Of course he hasn’t. SO I’m left wondering what is happening. I don’t want to pursue or engage, but I also want to set a boundary that once again he is leaving the schedule open to his whims and making us wait. I resent the hell out of this.
As far as the pictures he sent of your S--always give your H the benefit of the doubt that he did it for the most positive reason you can think of.
You'll never really know why and trying to figure it out is a waste of time (and is a form of control) and he may not really know why--I wouldn't ask him why (which is a word that instantly puts people on the defensive--NEVER ask why questions)
Lead his thinking into the positive--thank him for sending the photos. It was very sweet of him and you appreciated it.
Even if he FLAT SAYS I didn't do it for you or whatever nonsense he may say, YOU put it in there he did it for a positive reason, and subconsciously he will be thinking he must have positive feelings for you.
I did a lot of this type of stuff 6 years ago--led my H into thinking I only thought the best of him, and it's such a neat dynamic that the more I did it, the more he thought he had similar positive feelings back.
Try not to take what S said personally. He had one night where Dad was probably catering to his every whim and it was like having a birthday party in Disneyland on Christmas day. My S has said those sort of things that cut like a knife too, but you have to understand they're little and well, they're very "in the moment".
I know it hurts, honey, but you're not losing S. You are the only mom he will ever have. No one and nothing can ever change that fact. He is yours and you are his, forever and ever and ever.
NY doesn't do joint custody. Maybe if both parties specifically request it, but it's not standard. We have joint legal custody, but I have primary physical custody. If no visitation is spelled out already, it is the standalone every other weekend deal. We worked it out differently and H has S every friday night (I work my 2nd job that night) until 12 noon Sat.. A few months into it he asked for more time and we did two nights every other week (fri & Sat.) In the D he requested 2 nonconsecutive weeks (like vacations), but has never ever asked for that time and I have never mentioned it either.
Oh, and until recently, Sunday afternoons after a two night sleepover was known through out my family as meltdown time. It meant we never planned anything (family dinners, parties, etc.) for then because S would almost always have some sort of meltdown after coming back home. I think it was a combo of being tired and the transition and all of it overwhelms them at times.
Another single mom once told me that they do this back home because it's safe there. You didn't leave S. H did so S (subconsciously because they're not *that* smart) will be on his best behavior with H because S is afraid if he's not, that Dad will spend less time with him. On the other hand, you haven't gone anywhere. Even when S goes overnight, he knows you're home waiting for him (that little kid egocentric thing...) so some of that less than perfect behavior he was holding in with D bursts out once he's back home with you because you're safe. You're mom and mommy didn't move away to a new home away from me. Mommy's here and takes care of me everyday and I can just be me here because she won't leave me like Dad did.
This is the reason you have to pull it together, Hope. When he's home, be the safe place for him. If he says stuff that upsets you like he did, don't let him see it get to you. You don't want him to feel torn between you two or like he has to choose. My S always would say he missed his Dad or he wanted to be with his Dad. I would jsut tell him, "I know you do. I bet he misses you too." when I was thinking lots of other not nice things.
Deal with the actual custody stuff as it comes. Remember, don't borrow trouble! You've mentioned that your H has blown off visitations at your place often. You really think he wants to give up all his free, single man, airplane flying time to do the parenting drudgery like baths, meals, laundry, wiping runny noses, and more laundry?
One day at a time...
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
as hard as it is, I have been trying to be the one that doesn't stoop low (mistake last week not included ) and have been trying to give H the benefit of the doubt. However, don't make me list all the times I did that and got screwed~ really overlooking some horrible stuff H was doing. However, I am working hard on being as positive and nice and calm as I can be to his face, even if I have other feelings mulling around inside.
I do not trust him about the pictures. Knowing H it was pure bragging rights to show I am wrong and he is right. That's part of his abusive nature. However, I did thank him and told him the pictures meant more than he knew because for whatever reason he did them, it was wonderful to see them and not be left out.
Hope, my kids have a great time with H. He goes out of his way to be Fun Dad with them, and there have been an unusual amount of presents, kid treats, fun outings, etc. And the kids are in total pursuer mode with him. To them he is the WAD (walk away dad). He rarely sees their vulnerability or distress. I have felt like chopped liver at times and it doesn't feel great. But I constantly redirect my thoughts about this stuff to:
"it's awesome that my children are having fun" "it's great that H is creating wonderful memories with the children" "no one can take away the love that my children and I have for each other"
I don't just try to act as if with this stuff. I truly try to feel it in my heart so that my children are not picking up on a residue of resentment, suspicion, etc. from me. I see that as part of my coparenting job: truly acknowledging, supporting, and celebrating H's role in their life. And I truly believe that overnight visitation with H has helped my children to cope with this situation. Now they don't feel left out of his life, and they can feel that he has made space for them in his new life. To me coparenting falls hugely short of the potential of life as an intact family. But if that's all I have to work with, I am going to funnel all my guilt and distress about this outcome into being the best coparent that I can be. That's one of the few areas of control that I have here.
hugs to you. I'm proud you, you're taking great steps.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I never ever let my S see my feelings around this. I wouldn't take away his joy with dad for anything. I just hate it is all. I'm totally pulled together when I'm with S. I have been an at home mom his entire life and we are very close. I just see that now that dad is "fun guy" and I"m the daily policeman, the little guy is showing extremes in his reaction to each of us - and it worries me. I'm worried that he has to act out of fear of losing dad, I'm worried that he had meltdowns every day since he came home from dad's. And dad being the narcissist that he is, of course understands none of this and has his ego boosted even higher by S's apparent excitement when he's around.
The "dad is the best thing in the world and I love him more than you" stuff continues. I can't help but think H puts us both in this feeling state of wanting more from him the less he puts in. Reconsidering how to try to fight for more custody when this goes to D. I know, don't borrow trouble, but H has been sneaky and manipulative to get what he wants, I need to fight harder and stop being a doormat hoping he'll come back...
That said, I'm not done either. God knows why. I don't know wtf to do while he has some girl he's dating and we're legally separated (I was lied to and bullied into agreeing to that) and when he's here a few nights a week so I can't actually go dark.
On the other hand, we can't get legally divorced for at least nine months and until then I guess I have to have the attitude that I'm moving on and no big deal ... even though I cry every day when alone. PErhaps that's my only way to turn H's head around eventually? I don't know...
I am smoking less, exercised once this week, and am eating a little more.
I also see my thread is gigantic. I feel I need to start a new one but afraid if I move out of piecing, I'll lose my friends here.
It is only a board, your true friends will follow you no matter where you go! Do what you want for you! You may get some different pespectives if you post somewhere else!
