Completely Blindsided

[blind]

Hey moon,

Thanks for taking the time to give me some thoughts, I really appreciate it.

I know she's confused right now.... it just kills me that she's on the OTHER side of confused, and has made this bold decision, and is sticking to it come hell or high water. I'm not asking her about the relationship at the moment, I'm not getting her to try and validate it or anything.

Partially because I don't think she knows herself.

I have been telling those who ask that I'm completely blindsided by this, and that I had no idea that anything was wrong. I just hate having the conversation. I hate the people who knew us coming to me as shocked as I was expecting me to be able to give them some kind of insight that doesn't exist.

I think most of all, I just hate the situation.

But you're right, I tell her I love her and I've lost her. I think I've already lost her. I think she's already gone.

It's odd when you really think about DB... because it's basically the method of "Get over it". These 180s and GAL are just was of insuring yourself that if your partner doesn't come back, you're in a strong enough position to keep on living....no matter what.

I've read the advice in the link you sent, and it all makes sense. I'm doing what I can to stick to them.

I've had a bad day today.... spent all of my time setting up my week that I've come to the weekend and found myself completely at a loss. I didn't plan for a break in the working week... it's thrown me. Plus it's mother's day over here tomorrow, so most people are booked up - my parents are off to a quiet lunch with my surviving grandmother so that I won't have to deal with her.... very sweet... but means that I'm in the house by myself as well.

I need to find something to do to keep my mind active... to keep it off overthinking.

If that's possible.

I've made a few new friends since coming back to Aus, even went out to dinner with one of them last night, and had a lovely conversation... I just need to get myself to a stage where socialising isn't difficult.

I've got an old boss who has heard that I'm back in town and he has tried contacting people who know me, so I may be having a sit down chat with him on Wednesday night, which should keep me fairly busy.

I need to motivate myself a bit to get off my butt tonight... maybe find something to do tomorrow that isn't a solo activity.

The exercise is coming on well still... I've nearly cracked the 200 push ups a day, so that's something. The results are coming through in leaps and bounds.

Sorry, tis is a ranting rambling post.

Feeling at a loose end... like I can feel everything that was coming to an end, and wondering what that leaves me for the now... where the hell do I go from here?