Wow. I thought I had it bad because my h says hateful things to me via text message. I never thought how it would be if he was still here. While I want him back here, I don't think I could take the hatred face to face. It was hard enough when he was just being distant towards me.

I think you have stumbled upon the realization that it's horrible either way! If they move out, we're miserable, missing them and wanting to work on the marriage. If they're still in the home but hateful, we can't stand it and just want them to get away from us and be quiet.

So, I think it's best either way to not react the way they want us to. (which IMO would be very hard for me to do face to face) When I do that, h gets even angrier and more hateful. So, I've learned now to make whatever communication we have as brief as possible. I also say "I'm sorry you feel that way." My h hates that since he wants to argue and I have learned not to give in to that.

The other thing that has helped me is to think of my h as being handicapped or having some kind of mental breakdown. That's easier for me to understand than the thought of him instantly hating me after all these years. That and when I've been face to face with him, I watch his eyes. I've seen the dead look, but I've also seen the look of love even though the words he says are full of hate. What's going on inside his head must be exhausting and confusing to him. I pray every day for a complete but faster end to his crisis because I can't stand the thought of him being in this much pain.

By the way, I don't know that I would totally believe it when he tells you he has been keeping notes on you and recording you. They say all kinds of weird things and I've found out most of the time they're lying! Just trying to stick that knife in deeper. They're in pain so they want to cause us pain. And I think in a demented way they want to push us away from them because they feel so bad about themselves, they want us to be with someone who will treat us better. Let's face it, we're having a battle of wits with an unarmed person. smirk So don't take too much, if any of it to heart. It will drive you crazy if you don't.