Just found out she already filed

[ImprovedRomeo]

We think by being nice, tolerant, overly flexible that it will be received and responded to with respect and appreciation. WRONG! It gives them the impression that they are still in the drivers seat and can do whatever they want. Just little changes in the way you relate to her can make a difference in the outcome of this whole thing. It's not a matter of either going dark or being ultra considerate. Am I in the ball park here or just swinging blindly?

wii, I don't think you're swinging blindly at all. I'm sure that's been part of the problem. When I was young (and when we met) I exuded confidence, in fact, some people at work even thought that I was cocky then over time getting beat down in the real world and doing what I was told to do at work as well as keeping a wife happy at home I lost all of it and became fairly passive in the day to day life. Though I never realized that it was a problem. I thought I was being considerate and trying to find a 'balance'. Over the last couple of years when I realized it I tried to get back my old self but quite honestly I haven't been very successful. Instead of becoming assertive/confident I tend to overshoot and become passive aggressive or just plain angry instead. So I realized that and started watching my behavior which resulted in me just shutting down and not expressing my true feelings. I guess I sort of became like her who never could express her feelings, of course, on the outside she always acted as-if and I never knew there was a problem. But that's another topic.

I don't know if I'll ever find that 'sure of himself' confident yet likeable person again. I guess I don't know how.

If you want something say YOU want it, let her be the bad guy by saying no or ignoring it. Try not to be too accommodating,

I agree, that's good to remember. thanks.

my guess is that is part of what got you here in the first place (and I say that as the Accommodation King myself!). She won't appreciate it but will take it for granted and probably already has for years.

Certainly. She did take things for granted, she told me as a husband she felt it was my duty to do all those things. When you reverse the tables though I guess I shouldn't have expected anything as part of her duty towards me- including intimacy.