I completely agree with you Allen that one who keeps quiet about it is actually supporting the affair.
Based on what you guys have said, I believe it would probably be good for me to expose it to those who I am fairly confident will support me and my marriage.
I think I will wait till the weekend is over though, so I can have a somewhat decent weekend with my wife. Because when she finds out what I did, she will surely be furious.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Yes she will get over it. And how you respond to her anger is important. How about a short, calm statement. Maybe something like..."I am fighting for our marriage. If you were hooked on coke, I would fight for us in the same manner. I am not trying to shame or embarrass you. I want to save you and our marriage." then walk away. (I know the walking away part is especially difficult for you. Practice, practice, practice!!)
(FYI, I said something similar and it was what flipped my H's opinion of me and where he found respect for me.)
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
WhatNow, I was thinking about chickening out of this exposure idea just because I was not sure it would help my cause. But reading your statement gives me newfound confidence. If it has a chance of being a turning point for me, I'm all in. And I like how you worded that. I will probably say what you said if she confronts me about it.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I was just going to use this one that you suggested:
Originally Posted By: Allen A
I understand that you know [OM]. [OM] is pursuing my wife to have an affair with him since July of last year. My home that was once happy is now wracked with tension, stress, and guilt. My wife and my children are miserable. I ask that you support my wife, my children, and my home and press OM to leave my home and family alone. This is a terrible thing to do to innocent children.
Thank you in advance for your help.
You said it needs a bit of tweaking, but I don't really know how to tweak it. I thought it was pretty good.
The OM called my wife again while the kids and I were at church. He loves to take advantage of those kinds of opportunities. I also figured out that by talking to OMW that she went to see OM again a couple of evenings ago with the excuse that she was going shopping. I usually try to send one of the kids with her to avoid that, but they didn't want to go this time.
We have a church business meeting this evening and my wife is going so she can help translate to Spanish. I suspect that the OM may show up too. He hasn't been to church for awhile, but I think he was invited by one of the elders. I am burning to say to him, "Hey [OM], stay away from my wife, you creep!" but I dunno, maybe I should try to just be civil.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
I reccomend you have a scripted response ready for each occasion :
1. Exposure to OM's friends 2. Exposure to church members 3. Exposure to OMW 4. Exposure to OM
All of these scripts will say something a bit different. If you have it written ahead of time (short and simple is best) then you will handle exposure much better. There is a VERY WIDE gradient with exposure - it can be done very well, or it can be done clumsily or possibly make things worse for you.
Don't just wait around for the event to happen and them struggle for the right wording.. have a script in advance... and stick to the same one... it keeps your message strong and clear.
I am going to also reccomend that you have your wife take one of your children with her when she goes out.. you are NOT her baby sitter.. tell her she has a responsability just as much as you do... don't let her walk out that door leaving you with all the kids like that...
And they may not want to go.. but guess what? I bet they want their mother not doing what she's doing even MORE.. when they are older you can tell them how much they helped protect their mother... for now just send them along.
I have exposed to the Pastor and his wife, two head elders and their wives, and a couple of my long distance friends. That's it.
The OM is not working, but living off of savings and real estate investments. He went back to school for nursing, but I think he's finished with that now.
OK, exposing to your long distance friends will do nothing to end the affair. Unless they are prepared to show up at OM's door to intimidate him or something... which I doubt will work anyways.
Expose to everyone at church... but more to the point.. HOW are you exposing?
What are you telling them and what is their response?
And ya, I would definitely expose in public at this point... It reads like you are being very delicate with your wife's reputation and OM's... While they soil yours...
