Sandi2, I do appreciate your efforts. I never knew of the term walkaway wife syndrome until I read Micheles book. I believe this is also called marital mid life crisis syndrome. The more I read the more I realize that this is the situation I am dealing with. Sandi2 and Michele are right on target with how to approach this problem.I heard an audio from a psychologist yesterday and following blogs from Psychology Today where Michele comments on this. I am just going to continue to give my wife her needed space. I am hoping things will improve with our sons leave from Iraq in 2 weeks. My wifes self esteem may improve if she get into her Dental Hygiene Program. It is amazing that this whole problem had been going on for years without me realizing it. I feel awful and am willing to change. I just hope it is not too little to late for me. I really do not know what the statistics are for things turning around but I hope we can make it. I have another question? My 26 th wedding anniversary is May 20. Do I not send a card or flowers? I am assuming I dont but want to make sure. I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that I am more in love with my wife now than I have ever been. I think if this can be remedied then we will have a chance. I have never been through such a difficult time in my life as this. I am blessed to know that there are people who care about people like me. God Bless you all. Bobby O
Regarding what to do about the wedding anniversary.....let's think about a few things here. Would you be celebrating under the circumstances and after all she's said to you about not loving you and wanting a divorce, etc? Wouldn't it seem weird to buy her a gift, and flowers are way too romantic. It would be pursuing to take her out, and quite frankly, it comes across to her as being a sham. Yes, you love her deeply, but you are not to put that love in the form of celebrating & gift giving when you are standing in the door of divorce court. To me, it just doesn't jive.
When I was about ready to leave my H, and the night the stuff hit the fan, it was like the week of valentines. I can tell you one thing.....we ignored Valentine's Day that year!
I don't think you should bring the subject up, but if she says something about it, then you can make some statement about it.....but be extremly careful b/c it is a snare for R talks and you don't want to go there with her. Be prepared for an answer and be cool. If you don't know what to say, just look at her and then turn around and do something else.
What you going to say? Happy Anniversary? Tough day, but she needs to realize that not celebrating that particular day with you is gone forever if she goes through with the D. May 20th would be a good time to give her a preview. Don't be a jerk to her or anything......just treat it like any other day. Keep focused on that being part of your "plan", instead of being focused on the idea that it may be the last annniversary. If you get pulled into a pity party, you sure won't be attractive then.
Depending on her attitude by then and how things may be going, but I would suggest that you have a back-up plan to leave the house. If you got decked out, looking all cool, smelling great, etc....and then say, "Okay, I'm gone....see ya later sometime", I bet she would be shocked! Would she be mad? Oh yeah, if she has not beat you to the punch and left the house first. Don't you get stucked there! You are GAL without her....and she needs to see that you do. Give her a preview.
Remember, no details to her about where you're going, with whom, or what time you'll be back. Be very vague and mysterous.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I spent the whole day away from home and did not get home until 10 pm. My wife did not greet me and I just went off by myself. This morning I told my wife that we had been invited to a wedding in Delaware and she said to me to do whatever I want to do by myself and not include her. i told her it was for informational purposes and I knew she would say what she did. I also reminded her that she will need to make her own reservations to go and pick our daughter up from Texas at the end of July. Yesterday I was in the bathroom and my wife walked in and used the other sink. I quickly put on some cologne and she stepped out of the bathroom. I might add that I usually do not wear cologne. She came back into the bathroom and was wearing only her underwear. I did not comment other than I had to go. I noticed she has been looking on web sites specifically for surgery to help with wrinkles. She truly is going through a midlife crisis and all I can do is let it run its course. I just have to commit to see where this all goes. If she does move out of the house at some point, then this will be my answer. As long as she is in the house there is a chance but this walk-away-wife-syndrome is taking a toal on me. I hope things get better at some point. Bobby O
I went to church today only to find my wife walk into the church with the kids. She pretended I was not there. In any case when I got home my wife wanted to know why I did not say I was going to church. I told her she does not tell me what she does so I think a lot of our problem is communication. My 23 year old daughter wanted to know why I still hold on to hope that her mother and I will be a couple again. I told Jackie that she knew nothing about marriage and to stay out of our business. I work in a hospital as a physician and learned yesterday that we are going to have dramatic drops in salaries due to these tough financial times. My wife said I guess things will be different. I said in only one way and that I planned to work less and enjoy life. She said I hope you realize it will be without me. I told her I never had her in the picture. Of course I am lying but her complaint was how I was married to my job. Well I plan to turn a new leaf. Maybe too little to late but its a start.We are talking some which I think is a start but hope to keep the momentum. Thanks for support. Bobby o
Today was an odd day of sorts. I have been pretty much coming and going without interaction from the wife. I also have not been coming home at the regular times after work. Today my wife actually said hello and offered to drive me to the repair shop to pick up my car. I said thanks but I would prefer to walk and get the exercise. When I got home my wife wanted me to go onto my Facebook account so she could check on my daughter. I actually think she was interested to see if I was doing wrong things on the internet. I logged on and then she asked me to leave which I did. I took a shower and splashed on some new cologne. She noticed the cologne and wanted to know why I would need to wear cologne if I work in a hospital. I did not say anything. She then said she had some dinner for me and that she was going to see her sister tomorrow. She has not been telling me what she has been doing for some time. I then left the house. I know she sees a change and no doubt she is confused. God only knows what tomorrow will bring. My wife I believe is suffering from midlife crisis marital syndrome. Its like going down a street in Iraq, you just dont know where the snipers or ied's are. Each day is a new encounter. I pray she comes back to me. Bobby O
Things seem different. My wife seems to be nicer and is the one to initiate speaking now. She seems less angry and distracted. Our son is coming home on leave from Iraq 18 May and wife wants to have a dinner for him not including my side of the family. Her logic being that things would be awkward since things are not good with us. I did not respond but just listened to her. My wife has 2 sisters. The one with cancer called the other sister who sided with me and wanted to know if she knew who I was going out with. She said that Bob seems to have a lot of friends and is not home much. I took that as a positive sign as she is noticing me as being different. I have not entered into any relationship what so ever. I have been hanging out with family and male freiends. I just dont tell her what I do. Will see what happens. Bobby O
My wife was upset with me when she informed me of having a party for our son next weekend. She said she was planning to do this without my side of the family because it would be awkward. I told her I made plans for that weekend. She got upset saying this is about our son. I told her the day may not work out for me. I told her I had had plans of celebrating his return with my family. She then said that she was hoping I was not trying to make her jealous. I left the room to take a shower. She finally came into the bathroom and said she could change dinner to Sunday if there was a problem. I told her I would get back to her. She then was speaking to me nicely in the bathroom and was trying to share using my sink while I shaved. I then set up a dinner date with a male friend of mine next Monday night. She is seeing a change in me and the tougher I am with her the more she seems to come around. I think she is different but not sure what to make of this all. Each day is a challenge. Bobby O
Yesterday was mothers day and I was not included in the plans so I made my own and did manage to have fun. My wife asked me to help with my daughters pictures on facebook last pm. My wife while looking at the pictures put her chin on my shoulder. Go Figure? This morning she was in Bitch mode and angry at the world and blaming me. Sometimes I dont know how much of this I can take. I hope things get better but I know 90% chance it wont.I hate not having a female companion I can relate to. Well all I can do is hope for a better tomorrow. Bobby O
Sandy2, I dont know if you have been following my situation. My son is coming home from Iraq on Tuesday and my wife is stressing about the party she is giving him next Saturday. She finally agreed to have my mother present as well. I started a progam called marital fitness by mort fertel which is a good program for building marriages. In any case I had sent a text to my wife as a trial to see how she would respond. I just stated that she was my best friend and soulmate. She told me tonight she does not feel the same and to stop sending her these type of messages. Last night she was annoyed because a dish in the dishwasher had not been cleaned to her satisfaction. She stated its times like these when she is uncertain to stay or leave that makes her feel she needs to leave the relationship. This saga has been going on for 8 months and I feel I am getting very angry and frustrated. I dont know how much more I can take without throwing in the towel and saying fine we are done. My 26 Anniversary is in 3 days. I am at a loss. Bobby O
I have read previews about that program. I've also read that it encourages very pursuing behavior....and THAT is not what works with a WAW. I cannot stress that enough. That is why this seems opposite of what you think or feel should be working. You want to do all the things you should have been doing & saying a long time ago, but you didn't wake up until she was ready to walk. But, don't you see.....all that stuff about how she's your soul mate, etc., is a sexual turn-off to her. It makes a WAW furious! You cannot chase her b/c it will push her out the door faster. If she thought you wanted to dump her and that you were unavailable to her, and that she couldn't make your heart flutter when she walked into the room....she would be breaking her neck to get you to want her again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
