WAH Comes Back Home in the Middle of the Night

[love_endures4ever]

MAL, I think I'm losing H already and it hasn't even been a full week, yet.

Does your H seem like himself? Does he seem depressed? Many times when they are coming away from
an A, they have a hard time of letting go of OW. And when they try, they go into a deep depression. The
link between them is very hard to break. But obviously, if your H is home, that link IS BREAKABLE -- thank
goodness, huh?

My H also came home from work late, no calls. Even after I told him that was one of the things that I
needed from him. I found that my needs were not as important as his. When I saw that your H came
home late, my first thought was "Was he working or with her?" Of course, you answered that in your next
sentence.

I don't think my H ever made a clean break from OW, and never completely invested himself back into our
M. Because of that, I lost him again.

Like what you are experiencing, we also didn't spend any time together, other than watching a movie one
night. No dates, no time to rebuild our M. We did go to one C session though. Again, with my H, that was
him trying to get settled back into our M, and trying to let go of the R with the OW.

I did no R talks, and never asked about OW. It seemed to be important to him to have the space he
needed to adjust. He told me he needed some time. When we finally did have R talks, they were initiated
by him, and it was obvious that he was ready to share with me.

I did say ILY, but he never returned it. That really hurt. If you do decide to say that, he may not return it. I
hope he does, but be prepared either way okay?

You said if H was home, then the link is breakable, well obviously not. Where IS he!!!

As you probably read, H isn't here, didn't come home tonight. This is sooo hard, so damn hard right now, I have no idea what to say when H does call if H does call. I picture coming home from work and find EVERYTHING gone this time.

Now I have to go into work looking like sh*t, feeling like crap and having to start this crap all over again.

I can't take it right now I'm a mess....

Cathy

[psluke]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cathy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Maybe there is a logical explaination of why he didn't make it home?

He did call and let you know he was going to stop for the beers. That sounds like a really good step to me.

Could he have had too many beers and ended up staying with a friend?

[love_endures4ever]

Good Morning Sunshine,

Too many beers is what hapens when my H stops after work. Yes, he could have stayed with a friend depending on where he went to drink.

That was a good step, but I hope it wasn't a lie. Because of this I could not sleep and ended up takig a sleeping pill which helped, but I feel dizzy and not myself, like I had too many beers. Strong coffee is in order this morning.

I was so focussed on ow, that at one point I did think H might have stayed with a friend, so when he calls me today should I ask him where he was or just let it hang.

Treat him like a friend, no expectations, with the way h has been acting all week, this could be the ulitmate test for me. H will act like it all my fault, be mean and ugly, I'm sure I did something wrong this week that H can blame.

I really truly thought H wanted to be home, the way H has been acting. When the WA comes home do they any idea of the withdrawl or depression they will go through with ow? Especially if the ow is very receptive to H's attention or his a manipulator?

Cathy

[odga]

good morning Cathy

I really truly thought H wanted to be home, the way H has been acting.

Remember H is on his own roller coaster ride as well and when he is on the down side is when you need to redouble your dbing to let him know that home is where he wants to be. You are doing a great job keep on dong what is working.

[Trying24now]

Morning Cathy,

So sorry you're in a tough spot right now, believe me, many of us 'feel your pain.'

As difficult as it is to wait anxiously for them to return and finally have that happen ONLY to see how tentative their return is IS very painful. BUT, I'm pretty sure it's not the least bit uncommon....I know it happened here.

Remember, when my H came home the first time last Nov?...ONLY to run again in April? He came back then BUT NEITHER of us was ready for it. MY H WAS NOT involved with any OWs at the time, he ran from the constant brow beatings and HIS OWN FEARS that we'd never ever get past all this.

So don't feel to dejected by his 'crazy' words and actions right now....he's just fighting his way out of the 'crazy world' he built around himself AND now knows he has to give it up and come back to reality and it may have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with OW...it is more than likely his own internal struggle to live with himself for what HE has done.
T2

[Dagny]

Cathy,

Odga is right, he is on his own rollercoaster. I know it is his own doing, but right now his emotions, though possibly hidden from you, are also a mess. Give him this gift of time and space to work them out while he is with yoou. How would he expect you to react to the night? What would a 180 be? Not saying anything? Asking if he had fun? Just cook a great dinner tonight, if that is the norm, and make him miss coming home after work.

This is your gift to him...time and understanding.

It's hard, but you are doing a great job. I admire your strength.

Jackie

[holdingon]

(((((Cathy)))))
I'm here on the curb with you... just when you thought it was safe to go back in the house!! My H did a similar thing last week, except he did not come home. He started "dating" me and now he has backed off. We even ML! It seems this must be "normal" alien behavior. And, as usualy, YOU cannot fight this battle for him. I am not sure how I would approach him when you talk to him. Perhaps say nothing and wait for his explanation, if he offers one. Love and support him. Don't let him push any buttons. Cindy sent me a great little quote yesterday

Trying to understand h when they don't understand what they are doing will drive you crazy anyway!

and I have to agree with her. Keep on keeping on.

[MAL]

{{{Cathy}}}

I know you are struggling right now, and I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Yes, the ties to OW ARE breakable!! You know that because he came home. He is confused and he doesn't understand all the feelings he is experiencing. Unfortunately, you can't understand them either.

If you look on this bb, or you read, when you see a WAS that came home, and stayed, they usually don't regret it.

I saw something somewhere...I may have the numbers wrong, but it went something like this.....
When a couple split up, then came back together to work on the M. If you asked them in 5 years were they happy? Approximately 90% were happier and are glad they stayed to work on the M. (I think I have that % right.)

If you look at the stories on the bb, there are men who stuck it out, and they are so much happier. They talk about how they didn't know what they were doing, how confused they were, like someone else took over their body and they had no control. That is why we call them aliens, because it seems like someone else has control over their minds.

That is where your H is right now. He doesn't understand who he is or why he is in the spot he is in. Add depression and guilt, and he is probably very messed up.

This is the time when he needs your love the most!! I know it's hard when you feel betrayed, when you don't trust him, and when he keeps hurting you. But YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

If you were bothered by something he did, what would you normally do? Then do a 180. Become a person he would want to be with.

I know sometimes that feels like letting yourself be the doormat. But if being a doormat for a little while saves your M, would it be worth it? I don't think you're being a doormat though. I think you are fighting and trying to have faith. And I think you are doing a fantastic job!!

Why don't you wait and see if he explains where he was? Then take it from there. Whatever you do, don't push. Because you could push him right out the door. He's watching you too, to see how you react, how you've changed. He's going to want "walking talking perfection" from you. That's impossible to be, I know. Yet, I think you can be pretty darn close to it. Don't give him a reason to blame you for his confusion or for him giving up, okay?

I hope this is making sense.

I know the pain you are feeling right now. Now reach down inside, find that unconditional love, and give it to him. Isn't he worth it??

Hang in there! I'm keeping you in my prayers.

[imalright]

Mal~That was the most wonderful post I've read in a long time! WOW it was great!

Cathy,
I agree with MAL, no matter what happens be supportive to your H, smile even when you feel like crying. You are being tested and like Mal said he is watching for your reaction!

You CAN DO this! I know you can. I think what makes most M here successful is the support we get from each other! I believe this with all my heart!

Deb
Where the sun is shining!

[kml]

My advice? Don't ask him where he was. Don't discuss it. Make plans NOW for the kids tonight so that you can GO OUT - do NOT be home tonight - come home VERY LATE. If he DOES come home or call he'll be wondering where you are and with whom. This will be the complete opposite of what he'll be expecting (tears, drama, recriminations).
If he is home before you leave, get dressed to the nines and don't tell him where you are going. You are going "out". Period.

Ellie