help some advice plse..have i finished it for good

[DaddyLongShanks]

JacT,

What do you mean "dress when he wants"/"Intimacy while dressed"?

[JacT]

Daddy if you read my thread you will see my husband is a cross dresser.This has been an issue since we knew each other.The ow is not much of a lady shall we say.When my H told her about the cdg, she apparently accepted it sraight away..fab he didnt and I certainly took many years to get my head around what we were dealing with.My thread explains Daddy and would apprec a view if you have the time to read it.Thanks
I feel it makes the A almost impossible to bust.

[lees]

Affair busting is done as best I could in my case, albeit off my own back prior to finding this sit e. Unfortunately with no apparent results in terms of any kind of relationship between me and STBXW. Just seems to have forced them closer together. My only hand remaining is the small claims court judgement which might wake her up, and the ongoing disgust of her family. I realised today that I can only think of 1 friend of my STBXW that hasn't at some point engaged in adulterous behaviour, so it's no surprise she's well supported outside her family. I told them all before any of this happened how I felt about their adulterous acts in the past, and the STBXW always agreed it was disgusting behaviour and even stopped talking to her best mate over breaking up someone else's marriage. Some turn around there!

So I'm going nowhere except further and further from any will to reconcile it seems.

Thanks for your support JacT, and don't worry about me not eating lunch - that isn't a product of divorce, it's just the life of a hospital doctor!

I do hope things start turning around for you soon Jac.

[JacT]

Babydoll sorry you are here...my heart breaks for you.I agree that your H is terrified and reality has and is hitting hard.You are a brave lady and got here quickly so hopefully you will get the help you need.
Birth does change people more so the father cos they see what there spouse has to do to get this little miracle into the world.
Hopefully if this is what terrified you H it will snap him back out of it just as quickly...I will include you in my prayers tonight..(they are getting very long as I meet many wonderful people in my sitch).

my sitch:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1996359&page=1

[JacT]

JournaliNG

As a child my H felt he was an outcast.I dont believe it was something his mother intended to do but when his younger sister(5 years) was born his M distanced herself from him, distanced him from the new baby and this is where I think the cdg seed was sown.His mother caught him dressing at an early age around 12, in her clothes.She threatened to tell his father.He began to do it in secret.Perhaps if he was a girl she would love him more?H had a very rocky relationship with his M throughout most of his life.She died in 2001 at 59 so he cannot make his peace.She once told me she had pushed him out without thinking and thought perhaps this was the key in his cdg.She never told his father but we did when we seperated the first time.His dad shut it out and never discussed it with my H at all.
When the A was exposed my FIL was devestated especially when he told him the cdg was still an issue, a major issue.His f has shut out most of the family problems and only remembers the good times whereas my H only remembers the bad.
MIL went through the change/MLC at the same age as my H and did the same thing, cutting herself off from her son and grandchildren.I think this also makes it more likely my H is in MLC.
The fear of being abandoned and being on his own terrified him.In the year before his M died we made some inroads in our relationship with her.I made my peace before she died but H didnt.When she was dying and we knew, it my H, took time of work to be with his mum, all she could say was but I need your sister..rejection again.
His s knew of the cdg but never mentioned it.She had seen him dressed following a trip out as a 17 yr old dressed in my clothes.He had locked imself out.She never mentioned this to me and I only found out when the A was exposed.
Its always been a taboo subject and I am not sure H will ever find peace.
The ow continues to feed him.Having only known a short period before bomb drop, I do not believe she full understands or has been told the truth about how far my H wants to go with this.I am not sure it mattered.She wanted a man(ha) and she has a massive issue.Shes not bright and I believe he is using her.
H has NOT spewed like others in fact said we had a great 28 years,never planned to leave and would always love me.The life of a sad man..His F is a very weak man at his own admission.My H has ony seen him 2-3 times since A was exposed and for only very short intervals.He has never challenged H, asked him anything about his sitch, or given him a piece of his mind.I think my H thinks he disgusts his father and has let him down yet again.I cannot see the R being fixed.

[Geomom]

JacT, you said it all there with that one sentence: "The life of a sad man." Whatever a man's personal issues might be (and every human being has them), starting A's and leaving families are not solutions. It clearly indicates much more lying deep below the surface.

Equally sadly, though, only they themselves can help themselves and change themselves. None of us can "fix" other peoples' internal problems.

[JacT]

Geo sadly you a right we can not change or fix our H.If we do its only time before they revert back to type.Under pressure, unhappy, lost we see them for what they are, lost souls.
So is OP..they are equally if not more sick that our H's.

[beingreal]

Just catching up JacT. (((hugs))) to you this weekend.

[imLIN]

Did a quick read...very close to my situation actually...H was not a cross dresser but had suffered severe physical, sexual, and emotional abuse by various family members...his own F sexually abused his own daugther and step daughters...was abusive H and alcoholic...when H started to break apart he was running from his past...this could be where your H's cdg fits in...

I know my H hit bottom in terms of depression...against the normal DB'ing advice I would at different times extend my hand to him...offer allow him to come home...he also went NC for months at a time...both of our D's refused to speak to him...one continued this course for about a year after he was home, as if he didn't exist...he never planned to divorce me either...he also had online A first...years earlier, which looking back was probably a sign of things to come with MLC...and like you said, my H would be the last person anyone would ever think of having an A...

Alot of similarities, including us being high school sweethearts...I was 15 when we started dating...
I don't think all is lost...if you can find an opportunity to talk to him...or get him to respond so you can start talking, be his friend...maybe he will give up the tramp and come home...another thing, my H was totally against anti-depressents...I spoke to his doctor and he was finally able to get my H to try them on a temporary basis...eventually he was convinced that he needed them, probably for the rest of his life...but he has come to terms with that...he feels much better with that cloud of depression lifted of off him...

Like I said...I don't think all is lost...but so many wait for the "movie" return...for the WAS to come crawling back, sorry for all the hurt they have caused, willing to do anything it takes to come home...fact is, that is a fairytale way of thinking...it is usually very quiet...no fan fair...no lightbulb moments...and just wanting to return to their "normal life"...
Reach out to him...see if he responds...for some men, especially those who have been crushed in spirit as young ones...they can't face confrontations...they need to know they are wanted...because they have suffered so much rejection they don't want to expose themselves to more of that...

Does this make sense to you???...I think your H is hurting very deeply and needs your compassion, empathy, and unconditional love in order to begin to feel safe and to heal...only then can he stop the need for self medicating with the OW...

Lin

[JacT]

imLin thanks so much for reading my sitch it is very much appreciated.I read your sitch and saw real similarities.

Our 2 D's have refused to speak to h also.I think the IA was also signs of things to come.He is depressed but not giving anything away to anyone.His F describes him as being very quiet during the short times he has seen H (twice this year).He asked how the girls were for the first time in 9 months last week when he saw his dad for his Bday.I am not sure what triggered the MLC.My parents moved in May 2007(my dad was diagnosed with cancer in 05..surgery 06 to remove lung) and we had all the issues the ow(who my H is with now) had created for my dad. I was also diagnosed with depression which he blamed himself for and couldnt be crutch he always had.

He also txt his dad out of the blue on Thur to say he had passed him on way to work and hadnt seem him.This is the first casual txt he has had this year from him.He has never discussed the ow with his dad at all.
The Ow is definitely a symptom of all this as is his CDG a sysmtom of his childhood.

My h is against medication too however I had hoped when he saw the doc last year they would tell him he was depressed.Unfortunately he saw a locum..so left with nothing.

I know if he returned it would be quiet, phone call or knock on the door at night, phonecall out of the blue.I am worried he is still too weak and in deep replay.

My worry is the OW is feeding his addiction and I am not sure I am ready to face rejection..she pursued him like Sharon Stone in fatal attraction so not going to give him up easily..He did txt and ask for Divorce 9 weeks ago..and heard nothing since.I think he may have been testing the water..I told hm from day 1 I would not D and end my marriage.Not the behaviour of a man desperate to get out of his M in my view?

He has not intro the OW to anyone he knows and his work still beleve he is married and living happily(although they have heard stories).
You will understand when I say I believed we were true soulmates..connected in every way.I knew what he was feeling, thinking without him telling me.I believe he is very hurt and unhappy but scared I am getting it wrong.

Did you find that all the suspicions you had when H was away were confirmed when he returned.Was you gut feelings right?

Thanks and Happy mothers day to you and your wonderful family(((hugs)))