embracing change

[flowmom]

Last tuesday marked a third of a year since the separation started. More than ever, it seems futile to deny the inevitability of divorce. I haven't been tossed a crumb of hope in 4 months. Not sure I would consider myself even DBing any more. I'm sticking to pleasant and polite coparenting with H, but I'm not putting any effort into my interactions with him.

Last Wednesday was hard. I spent the entire day at a day camp with the children...which involved spending large chunks of the day in close proximity with V and her children. Yup it was awkward. But I was proud of how I handled it. I refused to skulk around and avoid her. I decide that I wouldn't let her presence affect where I sat, stood, etc. I didn't seek out conversation with her, but I didn't avoid eye contact either. I still can't imagine why H would pick her as a lover -- not that there's anything wrong with her, just a wierd choice given everything. But I also have trouble imagining that she would act so wierd around me if it was anything less than sex.

Yesterday was a good day in the field. I had a new field assistant. I know a single middle-aged guy now! Too bad he has no personality or sex appeal. Yes, I am pretty picky. I don't expect a guy to look like a GQ model or have tons of money, but stimulating conversation is non-negotiable (and always sexy). Does it sound like I'm on the prowl? I'm not. The idea of a new R is pretty ick. I just would like some proof that there are appealing men out there who might reciprocate my interest.

My parents are still visiting and that's taking up a lot of time. That's been nice but it has drawn focus away from pursuing self care and goals. OTOH, I've done some fun activities with them and that's been good.

I feel a bit discouraged about restarting IC. It just seems like SO much time and money. I feel that I should, but not very motivated.

Still stalled on procrastination. And no progress made on the getting ready to drop the rope tasks.