W can't break EA - not sure how to handle it

[Kettricken]

Kett's Guidelines for less conflict in this area:

Not EVERY discussion of ideas (be they political, religious, scientific, whathaveyou) needs to be a knock-down-drag-out-take-no-prisoners debate. Not saying that's what you did. But you can answer that yourself. Y'all know how much I hate genderalizations, but I have observed that men *can* be more aggressive/overtly competitive when discussin', which can come across as unnecessarily adversarial, which can lead to that feeling of losing connection.

Whether you agree or disagree, sometimes the main thing is for the other to feel *heard*, respected. Which may take the form of restating their position thoughtfully and giving some form of "I can see your point" validation BEFORE jumping in with your counterpoint. From this woman's opinion, in conversations about ideas (not human relationships), I could give a rat's ass if my *feelings* are validated. But it goes a long way to converse in such a way that I feel like my thoughts and opinions are valued on a par with yours and you don't think I'm a complete idiot, whether you agree with me or not. You can disagree with someone without minimizing their concerns; it's a matter of tone, mostly. IMHO. Are you trying to exchange meaningful ideas, or are you trying to "win"?

I would say that in my marriage, I had to learn to do this as much as my husband. And we BOTH had to accept that being in disagreement on certain issues was not a referendum on our individual worth *or* the health of our relationship.

ETA: It's very helpful for her to let you know when she's just venting and doesn't want a debate. However, I would opine that if she's *never* interested in your opinion on these issues and just wants to use you as a sounding board, that is a relationship inequity that might be appropriately addressed in counseling.