Hi Cathy, I haven't quite caught up yet, but what I read so far about the digs H has been making jarred my memory. Your H is making these remarks because he is expecting a certain kind of reaction from you. The reason why is really irrelevant to you. You just want the cycle to stop.
I forget where I read it ... may had been on the of the stories in Michelle's book or here on the board, but there was one couple where one took offense of the other's comments, but he kept making them. The way to break the cycle instead of giving what he expect, surprise the ever-livin sh*t out of him! Now I don't normally use such phrases, but that is the kind of shock value you want to accomplish here. In the case, I read about the next time she was insulted by her H, she planted a big wet juicy one on his lips. Her response to his shocked expression was ... everytime you insult me, I'm going plant one of those on you. It didn't take long after getting a number of those that he stopped, because he wasn't getting the reaction he was looking for.
It just might take doing something this radical with such a shock value to get him to break cycle. Also, will go a long way in convincing him you have definately have changed and he doesn't know as well as he thought. Those comments he makes about "moving out again" may disappear too as he then figures he is gonna have to stick around to find out who you really are now.
Cathy, I had a similar experience with a coworker years ago.
He used to say things to irritate me, simply because he know he could get to me. I would respond with some smart comment. I tried ignoring him. I tried defending myself. I tried to put him down. Nothing worked, and he kept doing it...making me more mad and more miserable. He would always find something bigger or better to say. After awhile, work became miserable for me.
I didn't want to complain to my manager, because it seemed childish to do so. So the insults and ridicule continued.
During a Pyschology class one night, I mentioned this, and the teacher gave me some advice...
The next morning, this guy started in on me as normal.... Instead of ignoring him or saying something back, I got real quiet...walked across the room to his desk where he was sitting. I walked up to him, leaned over, and gave him a very big hug.
Then I said "G*****, I love you, and I'm glad you work here in our office."
He was speechless! All he could do was giggle this stupid giggle he used to have.
You know what? He never joked me after that day.
If I had known it was that simple, I would have done that long ago.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
LOL....at this point what I have got to lose!! I think Sage also suggested something like this and I am going to do something completey out of the ordinary, I'll keep you posted.
Quote: He used to say things to irritate me, simply because he know he could get to me. I would respond with some smart comment. I tried ignoring him. I tried defending myself. I tried to put him down. Nothing worked, and he kept doing it...making me more mad and more miserable. He would always find something bigger or better to say. After awhile, work became miserable for me.
ahhhh MAL, you know how I feel then.. you spelled it all out right here.
Quote: The way to break the cycle instead of giving what he expect, surprise the ever-livin sh*t out of him! Now I don't normally use such phrases, but that is the kind of shock value you want to accomplish here. In the case, I read about the next time she was insulted by her H, she planted a big wet juicy one on his lips. Her response to his shocked expression was ... everytime you insult me, I'm going plant one of those on you.
KAW--I love it--surprise the ever-livin sh*t out of him! Don't hold back now....
H just called was very pleasant on the phone, actually wanted to discuss a child care issue we need to decide on relativey quickly. Then said I'm stopping for some beers after work, just wanted to let you know. When H "tells" me what he's doing, it mean H is trying, I said okay and hung up. I tried to call him right back, but he had turned off his cellphone, but left a message saying "thanks for letting me know you're stopping, I really appreciate, I'll see you later then.
With a few beers in H I'm not sure what to expect when H does get home which could make for an interesting evening.
Mal you're awesome, I visited you for a bit today, didn't read a lot, but you sound like a very strong person who makes the most of a situation. And, I see, enjoys time to herself without alien. I too felt this way before H moved back, at least when he wasn't in the best of moods I knew he'd be leaving and I wouldn't have to deal with it.
Hi Cath....After I posted, I had the thought...what if that came from someone on the bb??
So nice to see MAL posting here...Hi MAL! You really helped out at the party!
A few other ideas came to me...my good pal H's husband, D, can be rather insulting and condescending to her at times. He's called her stupid, idiot, and...worse.
He can be arrogant and always has to be right.
Her C suggested that she over-exaggerate in agreeing with him..as in "Duh uh, yee-up, I'm stupid!...YOU'RE ALWAYS right!" It downgraded to less dramatic versions, but it drove D crazy...wasn't the reaction he expected.
Things have gotten much better (not perfect) for them in this regard.
NOW if your H really LIKES big wet sloppy ones...choosing that technique might just reinforce his misbehaviours!
Hi Cathy. Thanks for stopping by earlier. I am paying close attention to your thread as I hope my H will return home soon. I want to be prepared for the range of challenges that we will face when this happens.
I love the idea of doing something unexpected when your H says something negative. I do that with my kids at times. They will get cranky and lippy and I will just respond with ILY. The more they whine the more I say ILY.
Today my S5 was getting cranky and I went over and gave him a hug and pulled him into my lap and talked about something else. Surely this can work on the big boys too?
Maybe a few beers will loosen him up and you can kick back and relax together when he gets home. Movie, cuddle on the couch, etc.
Hang in there and thanks for sharing!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
H stopped for a few beers and obviously decided he wasn't coming home. Here I sit, no call, no H..so I wonder where H is at...OW's maybe?
I'm just numb, I'm not surprised, I mean no expectations at this point right. H could still show up here, but I doubt it. What upsets me the most is that I more than likely will not sleep all night!
So now what? Not even a full week and he just can't handle it...
