I agree completly, I tend to react very quickly. I know it was the wrong way to react.
Should I text her and apologize? I feel like I haven't been dealing with reality. The reality is I've hurt her and she wants out. I can't make her change her mind, if she wants to, then she needs to, not me. I really feel like I need her to know that i understand she is hurt.
Should I text? Or is that too much? I just don't want her going all day on that last impression of me.
Your right, I am out of control. I get it, I just need to learn to leave it alone. This is typical behavior for me. I make a mistake and then I make it worse trying to make it better. Man, I'm a mess.
How are you aproaching the division talk? Are you going along with it? I'm not trying to make things any more difficult for either one of us.
I am approaching the meeting as an opportunity to see where my w mind is regarding our R. This is something she wanted to do so I agreed , in fact after two & a half months of waiting for her to contact me to meet, I emailed her saying we should meet. I know not everything is going to be done in one meeting. Talk about division of assets, child care, custody mortgage schools for the kids cannot not be done in one sitting. If you don't agree with something W wants don't fight over then and there, just say : I never thought about that way, let me think about it.
I will be going along with her decisions then I will be asking her Questions about her feelings.
Quote:
I need to keep up what I've done for the last week and a half right? Focus on the changes that make me better, try and have a PMA all the time around her and not persue her? Right?
Excactly this. It's hard but it's neccesary.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Should I text? Or is that too much? I just don't want her going all day on that last impression of me.
The past X amount of months is the impression she has of you.
Stop the bleeding NOW. If you think about every move your wife makes you will not be focusing on you. It took me awhile to figure this out even though people here told me. The sooner the better.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Thanks gr8, that is exactly what I need to be focused on.
I will cooperate with the division talk on Sunday. No arguing, just agree and be civil. I assume that when a WAW wants to get into all these descisions so quickly it's because they are reacting to pain and to the surge of emotion that comes along with the choice to leave. I know she isn't leaving town until sometime in november. I will go along with whatever buys me more time to work on myself and how I interact with her at home.
Should I text? Or is that too much? I just don't want her going all day on that last impression of me.
No, definately not. This is still reactive and pursuing. You really need to start to work on "detachment." You're in fear/panic mode right now. I understand. Everyone on this board has been there. Here's a cute anecdote from Melody Beattie's book, "Language of Letting Go"
"Many years ago, my children wanted a pet. They wanted a puppy, but I said no. We had tried a bird, but its feathers fell off. I suggested a goldfish, but we settled on a gerbil instead.
One day, the gerbil got loose. It got out of its cage and scurried across the floor. It ran so fast that none of us could catch it. We watched as it disappeared under a crack in the wall. We stood around, wondering what to do, but there wasn't that much that could be done.
In the months that followed, the gerbil made timely appearances. It would scurry out from behind the walls, run across the room, then dart back into the walls. We'd chase it, lunging after it and screaming as we ran.
"There he is. Catch him!"
I worried about the gerbil, even when we didn't see it. "This isn't right," I'd think. "I can't have a gerbil running loose in the house. We've got to catch it. We've got to do something."
A small animal the size of a mouse had the entire household in a tizzy.
One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway. I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then I stopped myself.
"No," I said. "I'm all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I'm going to let it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm done chasing it."
I let the gerbil run past without reacting. I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction--not reacting--but I stuck to it anyway. Before long, I became downright peaceful with the situation. I had stopped fighting the gerbil. One afternoon, only weeks after I started practicing my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it. The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around, and looked at me. I started to lunge at it. It started to run away. I relaxed.
"Fine," I said. "Do what you want." And I meant it.
About an hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited. I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage, where it happily reestablished its home. Don't lunge at the gerbil. He's already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy, too. Detachment Works!"
Thanks for that, it really does make sense. I am in panic mode, your right but every reaction I have is the wrong one.
For a few days before today I was better at not reacting and pursuing and the overall attitude was alot better. We were talking, she was laughing etc. I think I got in a false sense of security because as soon as she reminded me that her feelings had not changed and she still wanted a D, I was crushed. It was naive of me to think differently but I did. I guess I will chalk that up to my first (of many I fear) instances were that happens. I need to learn to keep my PMA and not waiver.
I don't know what my actions today have done to set me back but hopefully I can learn that my sitch is very delicate right now and my behavior really influences how things are percieved right now.
Better for me is better for us regardless of the outcome...right?
MWD talks alot about how relationships are like seesaws. One person is often overinvesting in the relationship while the other then can underinvest. The goal is balance or close to balance.
By being in panic mode you are severely overinvested. To the point that you are analyzing everything that is said or done right down to the minute details. Do you think your wife is doing that too? Of course, she isn't.
I understand that you want to save your marriage but you are acting from fear and a position of weakness. Don't. That will not save your relationship. Detach, GAL, be strong. Listen to the great advice from Puppy, Gucci, Robx, Steve, Coach, and the other vets.
It is absolutely infuriating, but please try to have faith that it's not over until it's over (and even then I'm not so sure!). We've all heard our WAW's say all sorts of absolute negative stuff. I swear it's some sort of instinctive testing. My W was so negative, so absolutely certain in her direction, yet I could detect little hesitations now and then. At first I pointed them out, but I quickly learned that only made her more determined to erradicate them, or at least hide them. So I learned to just passively observe and make no comment. I've heard so many of the classic WAW lines "I don't love you like I should", "I'm not attracted to you", "Our M was never was it was supposed to be", "There is no going back for me".
The best thing you can do for yourself and your M is to LET IT GO. You don't have to think of it as forever, as that's too emotionally devastating. Give yourself the gift of letting it go for a while, say a month. I know you're in so much emotional pain, and if you could just fix it the pain would go away, but there is no easy and quick fix. These things play out over long periods. In my sitch, finally after a year and a half, my W is saying just the opposite, like "I never lost my love for you completely", "I don't want a divorce", "I'm attracted to you again", and she's making sexual overtures as well. When did she really turn the corner? When I finally LET IT GO, and I don't mean ACTED like I let it go, I mean really let it go. Tattoo_you, you were fine before you met your W, she doesn't hold some magical power to make your life whole. You're just experiencing the withdrawal from co-dependence. It's real and it's been shown to be just as hard as withdrawal from drugs. It will subside.