Yeah, if I tried to bring that up it would only aggravate her more. I tend to enjoy the argument; her, not so much
You mean, it's NOT good to leave them wimpering in a fetal position underneath your kitchen table, crying "Uncle" while you taunt them with "Whoseyerdaddy! Whoseyerdaddy?!"
Statements are questions from women, she's looking for validation from you.
Quote:
She wishes we could "connect at that level".
"Can't we connect on that level?"
Quote:
MC said that she wasn't asking my opinion but was rather just wanting to be understood.
Bingo. So hard for us men to get this. This had nothing to do with your position in the discussion. She just wanted to be heard, listened to and understood by her man. No fixing, applying logic, or debating required just listen and soak her up.
With 20/20 hindsight, I can see that now. But sometimes I don't catch on soon enough. However, she is getting better at saying "I am not looking for a reply, I just need to vent..." before continuing on. That is a real help to us dolts
Are there ways you feel you do connect at the level she's talking about? The way she said it sounds like she feels you never connect in that way, leading to her feeling alone.
I do feel we connect. And she says we connect in many other ways, just not "that way". What does "connect in that way" mean? Sometimes I think she means that I agree with her 100% on such issues. However, if I listen to my MC and Coach, it simply means that I should hear her out without saying anything at all.
Since I can't simply agree with her 100% of the time without lying about who I am, I should probably try Coach's method and see how it goes.
Absolutely should not agree with her 100% of the time. Should be true to yourself. I think she wasn't talking about the immigration thing specifically, but she was using it to make a point about an unmet need she has. We have to take advantage of these "clues" when women give them to us!
However, if I listen to my MC and Coach, it simply means that I should hear her out without saying anything at all.
No you need to validate her feelings. "I can see that you are very passionate about this." "Wow, you really are upset about this."
Here is a great way to offer help without fixing.
"How can I help you with that?"
"How can I support you in your effort?"
Make sure you are holding eye contact - this creates emotional connection. Make it sensual - sound of your voice, the look in your eyes, you touching her. Find a way to add smell and taste and your golden.
Make it a goal this weekend to emotionally connect with her. Great for both of you.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Not EVERY discussion of ideas (be they political, religious, scientific, whathaveyou) needs to be a knock-down-drag-out-take-no-prisoners debate. Not saying that's what you did. But you can answer that yourself. Y'all know how much I hate genderalizations, but I have observed that men *can* be more aggressive/overtly competitive when discussin', which can come across as unnecessarily adversarial, which can lead to that feeling of losing connection.
Whether you agree or disagree, sometimes the main thing is for the other to feel *heard*, respected. Which may take the form of restating their position thoughtfully and giving some form of "I can see your point" validation BEFORE jumping in with your counterpoint. From this woman's opinion, in conversations about ideas (not human relationships), I could give a rat's ass if my *feelings* are validated. But it goes a long way to converse in such a way that I feel like my thoughts and opinions are valued on a par with yours and you don't think I'm a complete idiot, whether you agree with me or not. You can disagree with someone without minimizing their concerns; it's a matter of tone, mostly. IMHO. Are you trying to exchange meaningful ideas, or are you trying to "win"?
I would say that in my marriage, I had to learn to do this as much as my husband. And we BOTH had to accept that being in disagreement on certain issues was not a referendum on our individual worth *or* the health of our relationship.
ETA: It's very helpful for her to let you know when she's just venting and doesn't want a debate. However, I would opine that if she's *never* interested in your opinion on these issues and just wants to use you as a sounding board, that is a relationship inequity that might be appropriately addressed in counseling.
Last edited by Kettricken; 05/07/1010:49 PM.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
My W says you nailed it. She says I play to win (but isn't that the way we are suppose to play Coach?). However, in this argument/conversation, I really did think I tried to keep it more a conversation than an argument. She says she "perceived" it differently. Something I need to work on.
I have been inviting her read things I write here. I enjoy being here and if not giving advice, at least encouraging people that are going through difficult times. Sometimes I think she is a little insecure about me being on here. Last night, she asked "Are people talking about me again?" I understand why she would feel that way, so I let her read what write and many of your responses. I think that is the best way to go. Hiding that I come here doesn't seem right nor does not coming here at all. So I think inviting her to be a part is the best way to go.
Coach, she likes you. She says your funny
Puppy, she says it's obvious you agree with the law and I don't think she gets your humor. However, keep it coming, I enjoyed it.
