help some advice plse..have i finished it for good

[JacT]

JournaliNG

As a child my H felt he was an outcast.I dont believe it was something his mother intended to do but when his younger sister(5 years) was born his M distanced herself from him, distanced him from the new baby and this is where I think the cdg seed was sown.His mother caught him dressing at an early age around 12, in her clothes.She threatened to tell his father.He began to do it in secret.Perhaps if he was a girl she would love him more?H had a very rocky relationship with his M throughout most of his life.She died in 2001 at 59 so he cannot make his peace.She once told me she had pushed him out without thinking and thought perhaps this was the key in his cdg.She never told his father but we did when we seperated the first time.His dad shut it out and never discussed it with my H at all.
When the A was exposed my FIL was devestated especially when he told him the cdg was still an issue, a major issue.His f has shut out most of the family problems and only remembers the good times whereas my H only remembers the bad.
MIL went through the change/MLC at the same age as my H and did the same thing, cutting herself off from her son and grandchildren.I think this also makes it more likely my H is in MLC.
The fear of being abandoned and being on his own terrified him.In the year before his M died we made some inroads in our relationship with her.I made my peace before she died but H didnt.When she was dying and we knew, it my H, took time of work to be with his mum, all she could say was but I need your sister..rejection again.
His s knew of the cdg but never mentioned it.She had seen him dressed following a trip out as a 17 yr old dressed in my clothes.He had locked imself out.She never mentioned this to me and I only found out when the A was exposed.
Its always been a taboo subject and I am not sure H will ever find peace.
The ow continues to feed him.Having only known a short period before bomb drop, I do not believe she full understands or has been told the truth about how far my H wants to go with this.I am not sure it mattered.She wanted a man(ha) and she has a massive issue.Shes not bright and I believe he is using her.
H has NOT spewed like others in fact said we had a great 28 years,never planned to leave and would always love me.The life of a sad man..His F is a very weak man at his own admission.My H has ony seen him 2-3 times since A was exposed and for only very short intervals.He has never challenged H, asked him anything about his sitch, or given him a piece of his mind.I think my H thinks he disgusts his father and has let him down yet again.I cannot see the R being fixed.