I do love my wife with all of my heart. That is why the day she left shocked me into changing my life for the better. I do not know if it is DB'ing or not, but I actually thanked her for what she did!!!??? I know confusing, but it forced my hand and stopped depending on her to be my mommy and start treating her like a wife and standing on my own two feet again. I was so dependant on her becasue I kept taking and she kept giving. Neither of us admitted it, but that is what was going on. Until she finally had had enough. I think she is starting to see that I am now that I am a better man. More acurately, acting like a man instead of a leach. So some days things are better and then others, not so good. I will fight with every part of my being, becasue I do remember what we were once like, and I know that it was great. I would like that to be a starting point to the rest of our lives.
I have not found too many other 180's. Although after Monday when she stayed out late, I realize she was testing to see how controlling I was going to be. I id not call until 10 PM but I still called. So another 180 I did was last night I took S to diner with parents again and did not call or discuss what was going on. She showed up at 10:30 and although she had a bad day, she came in and gave me a big hug and a kiss. She rarely does that first thing when she comes in. I was good and did not react and acted like that is what is supposed to happen.
I had one happy moment on Wednesday.I had soccer practice and she brought S down to watch and she watched as well. She has done this a bit this year, but this time I noticed she was watching. She had done her best to ignore me before and pretended to be there for S. After practice S4 wanted to play on the big field so we all went out to play. S wanted to be goalie and wife had ball. She nutmegged me (for non soccer player that is when ball is kicked between the defendes legs and you are beaten.) Well, I have played since I was 5 and professionally, so I was red. So W says, "Why are you so red? Embarassed that your wife beat you?" I just laughed. I loved hearing that. I was good and did not react to any of that. I just hope there is more to come. But these little bits make it easier to keep on working on things. I think it makes me remember that she is paying attention.
I have not read Improve your M without talking about it OTM. I have seen this title in many therads here, so I will go check it out at the bookstore today. I am willing to read anythnig that will improve me , my marriage or my family. I long for the day that I can lay with my W lovingly on the couch and just listen to the radio or music nad just be together. I do love her with my soul. I get very down on myself when I reflect on the things that I have donw. Sometimes I wonder why should she come back to me. I understand now how she could have felt alone while I was right next to her. I am ashamed, but then I just work to fix those things and make mental notes to never do it again.
