So this is what I did: I talked to W and said I know that she is having an affair or is thinking about it. She first denied but later admitted she was had feelings for someone. I said that I could understand that and that it is not that strange to feel attraction to someone else. It surprised her that I sometimes feel attracted to others too (but you should not act on it). She was even a bit upset about that. I told her that it is understandable that if you are not happy in your M that you might want to explore those feelings. However, I made clear to her that if she would explore it in any way, even by "innocent" flirting she cannot stay in our family. If she wants to explore it fine with me but then she has to leave. She understood that and even agreed with my point of view. So far she stayed and I have very strong indications she is indeed not exploring the OM. She said she felt ashamed of jeopardizing her family. On the other hand she is still distant to me and I am still in the guest room.
You know there is actually just one real big problem in our M. We did not (or seldom) have sex for the past 5-6 years. She does not feel like it. But she never addresses the real issues she has with it. All I want to do is to try and resolve that issue. I would do anything, any therapy or whatever. But she does not belief there is anything that would help. She seems not even to be willing to try. Other than that we are the best of friends and form with our kids a great family.
She is always so negative. In stead of finding what is wrong and trying to work on it to make it better, every problem seems unsolvable to her. So her standard solution is to throw it all away and walk away.
Do you really think that me staying out of her way and living my own life will make her want to try to safe the M? Even if it means taking steps (like therapy) that she really does not want to take?
