I think what bothers me about this situation has much to do with the conversation the two of you had when got together for drinks.
When you asked her why she was suing you for full custody her response was the children need a "full time" home and she had been the primary caregiver since birth. Prior to the lawsuit it seems you and your W had a pretty decent custody plan in place even if it was informal. She certainly had NO issue leaving you with the children when she was off to visit OM.
If her concern for the children was *so* grave why make the leap to an immediate lawsuit without even approaching you first? IMO she lost total control of you and the lawsuit was her way of gaining it back. It makes ZERO sense that somebody who is a trained therapist (your W) would even think for one second a surprise lawsuit was a good first step instead of a conversation between the two vested parties.
Your W may have been the primary caregiver since birth but divorce often changes primary and secondary roles. It's an unfortunate aspect of divorce but it is what it is.
When you and your W had drinks she lightly glossed over the custody/lawsuit issue and went right to the flirty/kissing/digging for info about your personal life issue. I hate to say this but I do wonder if she was gathering intel on your personal life in case the lawsuit does go any further.
If she felt strongly enough to sue you without so much a conversation or heads up then it seems to me if she "hates" the situation that much way more focus would have been put on the custody issue during your date.
I mean, your W was willing to travel halfway around the world to see OM and thought you were more than suitable to be the primary caregiver while she was having her affair. What changed? IMO nothing has changed other than (A) the OM dumped her and (B) she saw you moving on and realized how much control she had lost. And like it or not those reasons have NOTHING to do with the children and that is very, very sad.
I don't know really. We all want the very best for you.
Thanks CityGirl, I can tell you folks really do care, and I'm touched. The Internet played a big role in the origins of my situation, and part of me hated it for a while, but I also appreciate how it brings help and support from people like those here.
While I don't agree that we "glossed over" the custody discussion, it was the majority of our talk, I do agree it was odd how that transitioned to her wanting to know about my personal life. From how well I know her, and what her Mom told me, I believe she is jealous, and doesn't want to lose me. Our conversation was a combination of sincerity from her and manipulation. I've gotten good at seeing both. In fact, her manipulation was obvious and weak, because she knows her hand is dwindling in strength. She actually said "What happens between us is definitely connected to how you handle yourself regarding this custody issue."
Trained therapist or not, she's is driven by emotion to a large degree, and I'm nearly certain the lawsuit was to get my attention, and it worked. The question is, why does she want my attention? Where on the scale between cake eating and desire for reconciliation do her feelings fall? That I'm NOT good at gauging, and as Gnosis and Puppy said, if I stay the course, it should be more clear.
I agree, our current custody plan is working ok, given the circumstances. The kids are showing no issue in school, are getting good grades, and are generally happy. Yes, they cling to each of us a bit when they're with us, but what does she expect? She only sees them cling to her, funny she can't imagine that they cling to me the same way. And of course, the fact that she left the kids with me during her trips makes her arguments all the more hollow.
I've got a delicate balance to do here. If I pull back and give her no other option, she'll pursue the legal path and things will get ugly and expensive. I will not buckle and let her bully me, so is there a middle ground? Does it involve dating her? Does it involve reconciliation? Like I've said over and over, I need to let time pass and work through all these thoughts.
