how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

wow. what a difference a week makes. have had a really positive, productive week this week. minimal thinking about my H. have not heard a word from him since last weekend. not talking helps me not think about him. not sure if that's good or bad. have my L working on new terms for separation agreement and keeping myself really busy with fun activities. exercising as much as i can and doing my best to just move on with my life. have not cried about my H or my situation ONCE this week! i geniunely feel like i'm really starting to move forward and accept the idea that things with my H are over. and i'm feeling relatively ok about that.

making VERY SLOW progress with another man that i'm interested in. he's currently in a relationship and far be it from me to break that up or involve myself in any kind of physical relationship with him while he's dating someone else, but...i've at least put it out there that i'm single and interested and i know i've peaked his interest. i'm just letting it go at that. no chasing. no desperation. i actually like this person so i'm more than willing to take it as slow as need be, if it ever even does end up happening at all.

but even if it doesn't, that's fine. i'm taking responsibility for my happiness and not letting so much of it fall to external forces, like my H. i don't know what's going on in his life and i'm not going to ask. i don't really care. outside of his general health and happiness, i don't really care to know what his life is like anymore. i don't need to put myself through the agony of wondering if he's with someone, if he's slept with someone...so i refuse.

i'm feeling confident in myself in a way that i haven't in a long time. once i get this damn agreement signed, i think i'll finally be able to breathe easy again, knowing that i'm free of all this and can fully move on and start healing instead of hurting. i tried my best and my H wasn't interested. i could spend the next 2 years grieving and fighting against that, or i could accept it and seek out another path to happiness. i thought he was my partner on the path, but he had another idea. i can't control that. so i'll let it go and leave him to find a new partner. and i will actually wish him well on that journey. i loved him with every fiber of my being at one point. i thought i would always love him. but i'm finding that he is less and less on my mind. and it is only once your heart is shattered and then repaired can you actually say it's strong enough, it's tried and true, and you know you can handle truly losing yourself to love again.