One of the things that I’ve forgotten over the years, and I am trying to figure out how to say this without sounding stuck up, is how many men have chased me in my life.
My H chased the heck out of me for a long time, years, actually. Once, when at a company Christmas party, I forgot my gloves. He and another man actually verbally fought over who got to give them back to me. Guess what? He won. LOL
Now, back then he was married and I never even saw him that way, we were just friends, and I guess there was an attraction that he felt for me. I felt it too, but never acknowledged it or moved on it – he was married and I just don’t do things like that… but it was there. For many years, I never “went there” with him, until he was ready to D.
I’ve lost half of the weight I had to lose. I’m down 40 of 80 pounds. I look good but not great yet. Good enough that I’ve had men flirt with me. I used to have men walk up and give me gifts, no lie… but I was much younger then.
Anyway, I’m just mentioning it because, yes, I’m smart and yes, I’m fun and loving and kind and talented. But I’m also very pretty and H is very visually driven. And I’ve forgotten the power I used to have over him. Now, I was younger then, and I don’t necessarily want power “over” him per se. But from a confidence boosting standpoint, he’s said he’s still attracted to me, and that’s me with a lot of excess baggage on me… I need to remember that I have this pull or draw or whatever…
He told OW she was the most beautiful woman he’s ever laid eyes on… and I have to tell you guys, I blow her away. He told me the last OW was skinny and I had gained weight and he didn’t want to admit he was so shallow, but it was important to him. He also mentioned that last OW began gaining weight after he said ILY to her. You see what I’m saying?
I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve given H all the power in this M. I’ve given up who I am in order to raise HIS children (and yes, I love them like they’re mine) – but in so doing, became a person who was not fun and what he wanted (OR what I wanted) – different from the girl he fell in love with. He’s had all of this over me b/c I changed to do what I thought I had to do to make this family work, and in the process, lost him… and lost myself and that’s when he took all of my mojo from me. I practically gave it to him, gave him all of myself and just got left with an empty shell, and that is not attractive at all… and I guess I ate a lot because I was unhappy. I suppose a lot of us here can say that we became overweight as a symptom of an unhappy life.
I guess another thing I’m saying is: H is a shallow, cheating, lying person. LOL. The rose colored glasses come off… but seriously, it’s important to him. I guess accept the good with the bad, right? I sound pretty shallow in this thread also. Honest, I'm not. Maybe that's part of the problem. I would actually go a whole day sometimes without ever looking in the mirror, not even to fix my hair or do my makeup. I guess maybe I was too depressed to care what I looked like...
I just wonder if the physical attraction thing, as I become more attractive, will be a bit of a draw to him… just a passing thought. Something for me to remember. Now it sounds like I’m making it a physical beauty competition between OW and me... YIKES.
