Another "tough" moment with H on the phone today. I went nuts and he didnt buy it. He said "think of what you just said and we'll talk later".
Triggers everywhere. Sometimes I feel this is hopeless, not because of him, because of me...
He's grown; Forrest Gump could not have handled Jenny any better. And so have you; at least you realize wrong buttons were pressed; now to figure out which buttons always allow this thing called love to flow both ways or at least which buttons never to press again. At any rate you both have to commit 1000% (isn't that the math you use) to each other; the rest follows.
See, this is where I wonder how do you erase all the memory of the hurt and lies and trust in him in the future. How can you live with triggers for the rest of your days. Esp. if he is not 100% reassuring you.
I am just thinking here...not saying that being with him is right or wrong.
I just don't know if could move on from all the damage. But that's how I work, I know people can do all sorts of things.
I bet there are great people on here who can advise you on how to get what you need from your relationship.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Must have been a day for it, I had one of these too.. I found calls to her on his phone! Not nice. Nothing to fear though, he is 100% committed to me, just made me flip out though, triggers as June says and my sitch was not so much an A as an R, anyway.
So what happened? What didnt he buy ? What made you go nuts ?? xx
"Triggers everywhere. Sometimes I feel this is hopeless, not because of him, because of me..."
So.. what do you really want? Stop floundering around and ask for it. Be nice.. smile.. and be creative with how you say it. If it does not work.. try it again. Most likely you are not being creative enough.. or nice enough. I personally think it is the latter! <-- might be just a touch of sarcasm there.. but not much.
"Forrest Gump could not have handled Jenny any better."
His saving grace was that he knew what "Love" was. Not that he was smart. He said everything wrong.. but his actions won "Everyone" over. And.. he never gave up!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"Sometimes I feel this is hopeless, not because of him, because of me..."
I understand this 100%!
Like my hubby was being very nice to me tonight. I mean super nice but my mind kept wandering to bad times, sad times, times when I was incredibly hurt.
I was like, "Get out of my mind! Darn it!" Bad thoughts go away! Stop it intrusive thoughts.
Why is it that kind tender moments are the most painful now some days.
Why does love hurt sometimes...ugg!
All I can think of is the Dory fish from Finding Nemo...."Just keep going, just keep going, ha-ha-ha-ho-ho..." That mental picture has me laughing b/c my kids love it.
So I am going to "just keep going"
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
You're afraid, that's why. (What he is now contradicts what you've come to believe he is and you can't trust what you see ... if you believe he "loves" you, it may not last ... perhaps you don't really "love" or accept him and his failures ... so fear, that's what it is)
I am learning a lot from reading about your journey. I amazes me what commitment is required to be true to oneself in M. You are showing so much strength in doing that. I hope that your H sees the beauty in being with a woman who is not willing to settle.
Kalni, sorry if I missed this but are you still in MC with your H? Is it possible to create some structure around talking about the A with your H? Perhaps doing it in MC would create a more safe context for doing that?
hugs to you.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hi guys, flo thanks for you kind words. Do NOT feel guilty. Feel 100% responsible for your 50% of your R but that's it. Make mental notes about things you should have done differently but dont forget that most of us got here because we were too attached to our Ss and failed to preserve the beauty within.
On the phone he said something about me not letting him sleep due to blocked sinuses (snoring). I got images form the past where I would spent hours awake in bed, trying not to cough, cry or make any moves so that he wouldnt snap at me. It was during the "it's all your fault" phase, a phase where I felt terrorised and attacked for breathing. So this time said "fine, sleep in ano ther room or even another house, I dont give a sh!t".
I sent him an email saying I overreacted and that things seem to be so tightly connected to bad memories that I need his help to get over it. He never replied but called me later with a "noting happened" attitude.
Today I asked him to go to his place and throw away her gifts. The schedule was tight and he said we'll do that but can we do it another day? I did not insist and didnt act hurt.
Then on the way to buy fish, I asked him about her. If he knew her sister and a few other details. He answered and I again made a point NOT to look hurt or mad at him. This is my last way to have him talk to me. I am going to be listening more and control my reactions. K
<-- might be just a touch of sarcasm there.. but not much.