I just have to post one more thing. Our miscommunications on who was hunting/who wasn't and are little back and forth trying to decided who's fault it was...well a light bulb just came on now about this whole conversation and who's fault it really was.
He finally said "why does this always happen to me" meaning whenever he has plans to hunt or go north he ends up working late or on a Saturday. I did agree with him and said "I know" it does always seem to be that way. So once the blaming was over, it did just come down to the fact that he ended up working when he really wanted to be hunting.
Does this make sense? Unconsioulsy he was placing the blame where it belonged...his job. If he wouldn't have to work none what happened yesterday would have been issue or even there.
I also have to keep reminding myself that H is coming here tonight and staying!!!
This is so hard, isn't it?! Hang in there. I know it's hard but you must cut down on the assuming. And even if he is with OW, he is home isn't he? Sometimes it is hard for them to make the break.
I know I don't want to be in this limbo, but if my H comes home I just trade one set of issues for another~trust. Will I ever be ready? We want our H to come home and then when they are, it seems worse than when they are gone
There is no quick fix here. Frankly I wish I would wake up from this nightmare!
Quote: I know I don't want to be in this limbo, but if my H comes home I just trade one set of issues for another this is so true, this is how I feel ~trust. Will I ever be ready? We want our H to come home and then when they are, it seems worse than when they are gone
I had to remind myself that I needed to be here tonight to have supper with my H. I usually eat at my sis's on Sunday's...I have to keep pinching myself.
I think someone said that when they do come home, it won't be the way that YOU wanted them to come home....definitely the way I'm feeling, it happened so quickly.
According to what HB has shared with me, this is very common for the MLCer to do when they start coming through the tunnel. Snodderly has written on it and so has HB.
Expect this to happen. Reread the information about withdrawal because it does show different signs in there of them still being secretive and the whole nine yards.
She expresses about being very patient during this time and being very careful about what you say because a wrong word at any time can send them back.
When they break withdrawal, that is when they will tell you everything. She also explains that in this withdrawal stage there is anger but it is at themselves, but they will take it out on you. There is also depression and they do the back and forth thing.
This is going to take them some time to get through all of this. Right now, you need to ask the Lord to help you with the trust factor because it is an issue with you with good reason. I know that it is an issue with everyone that goes through this.
If you have ordered the book from Rejoice Ministries that talks about When Prodigals Return, it goes through much of this. It explains things from the Prodigals point of view and from the LBS's point of view. It will teach you how to deal with these situations for now.
Just because they are reconnecting or back home, does not mean that this is over. This is a whole new ball game because this is where the marriage is going to make it or it is not.
Keep staying on your path and working on yourself and allowing the Lord to make the changes in you and in your spouse to get you through this time. Keep the patience and keep the anger at bay. You do have issues of your own that you are now going to have to work on and allow the Lord to heal you.
Remember, you have been working on changing yourself and growing in order for your spouse to come home and now you are going to have to work on the area of getting healed from the choices that your spouse has made that has caused all of your hurts. That takes time. That is why this is a process instead of just jumping right back into everything.
Quote: Just because they are reconnecting or back home, does not mean that this is over. This is a whole new ball game because this is where the marriage is going to make it or it is not.
So now I'm a little scared more nervous again. Any words of wisdom to offer or just follow this advice? H did come back out the blue. In thinking back over the last month or two their were a lot of signs of him coming back, I sensed the shift, I was more focused on OW so was paying more attention to that problem. But when I did focus on H, I did see the signs. I think I read that they decide to come back home long before they actually do?
Wow!! You win the prize for the catch-up read of the week, Cath!!!
What a whirlwind!
First I think it's GREAT that your H is back home.
I also think it's a very good sign that he assigned responsiblity (working late) properly on the hunting miscommunication.
Also, I want to let you know that although I would have liked it differently and did NOT appreciate all the lies, CJ was still in contact with OW in the first months of our "piecing"...
In all truthfullness? This is the time frame in which she BURIED herself, showed her true colours and firmly turned CJ back in my direction (of course the solid DBing didn't hurt either ).
It really was a time of getting to know each other again, doing fun stuff, SHOWING my new, less reactive, more attractive self.
I DID have suspicions, we even had a fight about it...the very night he called and broke it off with her for the second and last time...but up till then I felt things were so fragile that I just kept DBing.
It's a process...YOU know that! Deep Breaths, enjoy the little things, let other little things slide!
You have to realize that he is trying to fit back in not to mention going through OW withdrawals and that takes time for them to get through.
As much as we don't want to admit anything about the OW, they did have an emotional attachment to them. We never had any emotional attachment but to our spouses. So therefore, they need the time to get rid of all these feelings.
This is the hard part for them coming home. This is where the unconditional love that you have for them comes into play again. You realizing that they are going through all of this and just being patient with them. The more pressure you put on them to get things back to normal, the feeling of running again will come back. You don't want them to run, you want them to stay there and work on the relationship.
So just be patient with him. Let him work through this, but be there for him the best that you can.
I know isn't it unbelievable! Actually if you knew my H like I do it's not reallly too surprising that this would be the way he returned.
Last night at dinner, he did ask me who I told so far. Two of my brothers were over the afternoon to vacuum leaves from our yard. H asked I told them, I said no, they probably now anyway, I told my other brother on Friday(I have 4 brothers). Then H says who are you going to tell when I leave again? I said what? He said "this is just a day to day thing" I said so I'm going to have to walk around on egg shells ro something like that and he said "yep" He goes I'm waiting to see all the changes you keep talking about, after yesterday, I don't know. I said "they're in here" pointing to my heart and I then said to H "have you changed at all" H said "nope"
At this point we both know what happend on Saturday, but H likes to play his mind games with me, but now I'm on to him.
We did have a nice evening last night, S3 went to bed w/o a fuss, which I pointed out to H. I was actually in bed at 9:30, which is first in I don't know how long. H went to bed at 8:30. When I got into bed we both layed there, after a few minutes I said to H, "Can I lay by you" H said we're in the same bed, of course you can! Didn't fall asleep till after ten... H also came over by me two other times during the night and we woke up in each other's arms...oh what a feeling.
My H's words and actions have never matched which was what made this R so frustrating to me in the past. I think now I'm more aware of it and will have to really pay attention.
).