reconciliation after divorce?

[Abbey]

I know I am supposed to leave her alone to sort out her demons. It is killing me that she is doing this to herself, that it does not have to be this way. I want to text her and let her know that I do care about her health and well being. I am very very worried about her.

I have to admit, her actions leave me scratching my head too. I can't get a handle on how someone leans on you at one minute, but wants to keep you at arms length.

As for knowing what to tell her. I dunno... you might have to make some of your own rules for how to wade through this. There are some parts of how I had to handle my H at times that weren't in line with DBing... but had to fly by the seat of my pants... so don't be shy about doing something that hasn't worked for others. This depression of hers has me stumped.

You'll have to search, but there was a man who made up his mind to be his wife's friend... helped her move into the OMs house. He had to make his own rules ... and he did win her back.

*hugs*
Abbey

[FindingMyVoice]

Good morning anychance, just checking in to see how you're doing today?

[any chance?]

Thanks for checking, prairiegirl.

A bit down today, more of same from yesterday. W came to see me this morning. Her depression is overwhelming. I tried to be upbeat, talked to her about her plans for the day and the weekend. In her mind she has no plans, no future, nothng to look forward to. I want to reach out to her. I want to try to get her out of her apartment to do something. I want to ignore all this D business and try to emotionally help a woman I have been with for 19 years. Is that so wrong? I don't know if doing so is the right thing to do, or will just make things worse. Do I try to be her friend, do I let her know that I care? Your thoughts would be most appreciated.

[FindingMyVoice]

No, it's not wrong to want to try to help her, anychance. I just don't know if it would be in your best interests to actually try to. You can't save her, at the expense of starting to lose yourself in the process. I have two questions for you: First, have you and she had an exchange similar to this recently? (Where she came to you depressed and you wanted to help). If so, how did you respond to her and how did it turn out?

Second, what do you think your IC might suggest you do here? I know you'd mentioned a few pages back, that he'd called what she was going through 'tumbling', and recommended you don't allow yourself to get pulled into it. Do you think he/she would respond the same way in this situation? If you're not sure, is there any way you can speak briefly with your IC today? I know mine encourages me to call between appts if I have a quick question or something unexpected comes up that I'm really struggling with.

[any chance?]

Her depression is deeper than I have ever seen, and seems to be getting deeper. The thousand yard stare. There is no doubt that there is a significant amount of self-pity. She seems to be trying to detach but not trying at the same time. I am having a very hard time turning my back on her. I have consistantly told her that I would be there for her. She is definately tumbling out of control. Has this happened before? Yes and no. Events seem to be snoballing for her: the skipped family reunion, the OM pressuring her, the looming D, her feeling of loneliness and despair. She really does not have anyone to reach out to, or thinks she doesn't. When she has come to me and talked about her mindset, I have offered comfort and compassion, which she seemed to appreciate. Did it have any long lasting effect? Not that I can see, but it has been such a blur of a rollarcoaster, who knows? Perhaps I am the one who is confused.

Excellent idea about my IC. I will track her down today. Thanks for that.

[FindingMyVoice]

Excellent idea about my IC. I will track her down today.

Sounds like a wise move, anychance. True depression is a serious thing to be sure and I'm sure your IC can provide some guidance for you today. I can appreciate you're worried about her but I hope you take care to guard your own heart, too. Gosh I feel badly for you... you're in my thoughts. Keep in touch today and let us know how you're doing and what your IC advises, hey?

[Abbey]

I agree with Prairie... her depression is very confusing. She's all over the place... she has no idea where she's going, what's she's doing, let alone why.

I'll check in tomorrow to see what your IC says as well.
Abbey

[FindingMyVoice]

Good morning anychance! Were you able to get in touch with your IC yesterday? What did she say? If not, how did you handle your concerns and worry?

[any chance?]

Been playing phone tag with IC. Maybe later today, I hope.

W texted me last night saying she was OK, and was taking things one day at a time. This morning she texts saying she is suffering extreme anxiety and is trying to pull herself together. I am trying to be be there when she needs me, but not getting caught up in her tumble. She really needs to sort out the OM before she gets anywhere. My worry has not diminished, and I feel like I have a massive hole in my chest. No fun here.

[any chance?]

Just had a talk with my IC. She suggests I just tell my W that I am very concerned for her health and well being, and ask how I can help, if I can help. Let her know I am here for her. She thinks W might be unable to separate the friend part from the relationship part, and might be concerned that she is sending mixed messages. She tells me to be careful to not get caught up in the tumble, and that I need to occassionally put all these troubles away for a while and focus on something else. This last part has been impossible for quite a while.

I am really beginning to wonder if I am not really damaging myself here.