Thanks Aver! I will definitely be looking for those warm thoughts Sat!
I just sent H the "movers will be there btwn 8-9 a.m. Sat" email. Very short & to the point. As a courtesy, since the truck will block the driveway & he couldn't get out. I bet he's gone for the weekend anyway.
But he emailed me 1st to advise of a lg. transfer to the checking to pay the homeowners insur. Seems it went up a lot this yr. Soon that won't be MY problem anymore!
I may not be on the boards much this wkend so wanted to ck in & send hugs & many thanks for all your support these last few weeks. Even w all you've had going on, you made time to post here. I feel bad I haven't visited very many other people's threads in a while - hopefully after the move I can be more supportive of other folks. I've noticed a huge no. of new names on here - the heartbreaks just don't let up do they?
So dear twin, sending you support & positive energy from my parellel universe. I'll check in next week if not sooner!
Same back atcha. Warm thoughts, good energy, the puppies exploring their new home, no more seeing X in the darn driveway, no homeowner's insurance.
Time for LFA to gal. LFA--taking advice from Sandra B (everyone has been talking about it so much, I will have to get a copy of PEOPLE or where ever the articles are!)--take the ring off. Let that change signal a change to your heart/head about moving on. And send that energy out to the world.
I, too, wish I could post more, but my heart just cannot tolerate the pain. I keep up with the friends I have made here, but I am not strong enough yet to offer anything to the newbies. And they just don't stop coming. It's like a war...casualties just keep coming.
You will feel much better in the new place, I know it!
Send an "hello" from your crackberry if you can't do anything else!
(((Aver)))) Thank you thank you thank you for the good thoughts & positive energy. That & my sisters got me through. Wow, what an ordeal.
I did just fine Fri. & Sat. - was in just do it mode - packing, loading, cleaning. And we had t-storms & hail, which was great fun. I wound up getting soaked several times.
But Sunday. Don't know what happened. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Maybe it's that I've been fighting some throat ear thing off. But Sun. was the worst day, though the weather was beautiful!
I know what it was. I think. I told you I'm a packrat. Well, I forgot about a drawer in our office. Filled w cards. BD cards. Annivesary cards. Valentines cards. Why oh why did I look at them. I did throw them away. BUT, I just had to read this one, which sent me over the edge. I just lost it.
I didn't want to take it w me, so I typed it in bb b/c I just wanted some proof. Proof that our M was happy once. That I didnt' just dream our M, b/c sometimes I feel like it all was.
The gist of it was (for our anniv.): "I love you so much more now than when we met, I can't fathom how much more I'll love you in 5, 10, 20 or 50 yrs. from now." And something about how proud he was of me as I had just gotten a new job. I think it was from about 10 yrs. ago. We were married 4 yrs. then.
Then, I still had to finish packing up. Ugghhh. My sister had left & I was alone. A recipe for disaster, I know. But I was stubborn about finishing the job. I did, but not after having a colossal meltdown. The sadness I felt was overwhelming. Haven't felt like that in months. A whole new level of pain.
So Aver, you are not the only one driving & crying. I did it all the time last yr. but was I ever doing it yesterday. I thought of you w your dishrag.
I am OK today, but I think this is just another stage in the process. I bought that book Flowmom recommended, Journey from Abandonment, but haven't started it yet. I wonder if there's a "moving out meltdown" stage in there....
So last night my body revolted on me & I got a full-blown earache, sore throat, nasty stuff everyone's getting now. I dragged into work this afternoon for a mtg., but am leaving in a few (it's just after 5).
I am hooking up my computer stat, so I can stay in touch. Feeling small & needy right now. When I read your posts from yesterday it gave me the lift I needed.
And, I took my ring off Friday. I love what you wrote. I just thought, now, & put it in a zippered bag to be moved. I think I'll buy myself a cute (inexpensive!) ring to wear - my hands feel so naked! Not for the same finger either.
Yes, time for LFA to GAL. Yoga - there's a great idea! I took it years ago & liked it. Going to look for a class now. I have plans for next Sat. with my sistas & some friends. Gonna keep focusing on that. Keep me accountable!
Thank you again, for being there. When I saw your posts I felt so much better! I hope you had a great weekend (any marathons? dates? escort guy or doc?
How are you? I read about your "meltdown". It is an emotional process, so I think that was to be expected.
So, not to sound maudlin at all but there is a song I hear o the radio often . The words go something like
"Oh, I've been traveling down this road too long. I keep trying to find my way back home. But the old me's dead and gone.Dead and gone."
Life as many of the people on this Board know it may be dead and gone. But a "new" life is just starting. And there is something positive to be said about a "new" anything. It is a fresh chance to get it right, not to be jaded, to do things differently having learnt from life's experiences. We can all find our way "back home" - back to the core of being ourselves whether that is with our old S or not.
You have a lot of strength LFA. You have done some hard things and you are still standing tall. You are going to make it!!!
Oh, LFA, I am sorry for your meltdown and then the body revolt. I have to think the sickness is just your body asking for a rest.
Your post was the catalyst I needed for my (planned) weep in the office between work and evening event. Sent me right over the edge. I wept for you, for me, for all of us.
But--you have made the move. You took off your ring. You are stepping forward. The process will unspool in its own time.
The "Journey" book is quite good. I intended to read more of it last night, but got home late, had to do some cooking, and then moved into total meltdown. BUT--it is good, and I do recommend it.
Don't beat yourself up for reading the letter. Imagine if it were your best friend, weeping over a lost love, memory, letter. You would hold her and comfort her, and assure her the M was good, the love was there...but H changed and made decisions and life changed. But she (you) are still here, you have sistas and friends and a life to lead. You wouldn't criticize her for reading it.
It's fine to feel small and needy. Well, not the small part! But go ahead--need us, need your sisters, ask for what you need. We're here for you.
Tough days ahead for both of us--but you are in a new place, new ring, spring, yoga! and GAL.
We are holding you accountable for GAL! Reports! Or I won't 'fess up to dates with docs or Escort Guy!
((((Aver)))) ((((Kara)))), You guys nearly made me cry at work when I read your posts. Thank you for those wonderful supportive thoughts!
This board is such a lifeline for me still! Do you know I haven't told anyone else about finding the anniversary card? I will, and I know the people I love care, but they also get so angry when they see me get upset or sad. That is why it's so important to have this space.
Aver, I'm sorry I made you cry. It was quite an emotional past few days for me too. Then I woke up Mon. night w a screaming earache, went to dr. Tues. just a coughing miserable mess. Got antibiotics & am much better now.
I think my body wasnt' done rebelling against the stress, the crying, lack of sleep etc. etc. that was this past weekend.
Am slowly adjusting to fitting my life into basically a much smaller space. I wouldn't be me if I didn't question myself, as I wonder looking around my crowded room if I've done the right thing.
Well, I had to move out of there eventually. At some point it wont' be my house anymore. I'm pretty sure I thought it through well enough - I'll just be going up & down for a while as I try to settle into a new routine.
And I'll come back & read your words again when I need that virtual hug. I can do this. I have my books to read & GAL to plan, and lots of organizing to do. And posts to read & write. God bless you friends. I'll check in soon. ((((hugs))))
LFA--I'm so sorry to be behind on offering you support.
I'm sure the body meltdown is related to a final release of all the stress. If you can take it as a time to recoup and do a little healing--mental and emotional, do.
It's also hard to hear that you feel you haven't done much processing on the sitch. I don't mean--don't tell me anymore! Keep telling us everything you need to say. It just saddens me for my own sitch--geezum, LFA has been at this for over a year and SHE hasn't really started the processing? How will I/we get through this?
Don't worry about making me cry with your card story. It was a planned cry--you just helped with the release.
Did you make the right decision in moving? I, too, would double guess myself forever. But you had to make a decision; you listed out all the positives (closer to family, shorter drive to work--now, what were the others? List 'em out!)
Hopefully the change of space will help with change of heart.
I need help, too, in getting a bunch of tasks done. Bills, setting up my room to be my room...a bunch of procrastinating going on.
GAL,LFA, GAL!
We want reports, or I won't tell you about my lovely evening with Town Escort last night!!
Never apologize Aver! You are not behind, I am though!!
Well, the best way I can explain it is, I'm going along, seem to be reasonably steady, then BAM!! Like a brick to the head, I'm down. The whole unearthing of my M life the past few weeks has done a real number on my head.
So, I just wonder have I really processed it, I'm sure I've processed it to point. But I think it's going to take a while to feel like I had been feeling.
I do think I haven't really taken time off, this whole year + I've just not wanted to stop my work routine, I've been fearing change, and it's pretty much worn me down.
So I must have processed some of this - I am doing far better than I was a year ago this time. Guess I'm not feeling the growth these days that I see others have.
And don't think b/c I'm down here that means you can't be up there! Length of time from bomb-a-versary I'm sure has some bearing, but I read threads from people on here who are dishing out great advice & DBing w great success 3 months after D-day!
So I am/have been going through it. Just going up and down, down right now.
As promised, GAL report: Had an OK weekend, much better than last week's, of course that's setting the bar pretty low!
Went to a street fair thing on Sat. w my sister & her kids, beautiful day, nice. Went out to dinner last night w other sis & friends. Getting acclimated.
Still feeling a little shaken from last week. Just trying to keep it steady. Maybe time to revisit my goals.
Now I've kept my end of the bargain, let's have it w the date report! What do you have to blush about??
Oh boy. Just texted H b/c I dropped the dogs off this a.m. and he had not replied to my email from yesterday. I just wanted to make sure he remembered I was taking them to the house today.
So he texts me back: "no problem... I ould liek to talk about possibly splitting up them up. I know we talked about u keeping them both but I would like to discuss that."
Knives are going through my heart right now. Oh how oh how do folks with kids get through this?
First, HE was the one who said last time we talked face to face (in Nov) that we can't think about splitting them up. I already knew I wanted them. I've been taking care of them, feeding them, taking to the vet, loving them.
Meanwhile, he has not once asked to visit or take them!!
Why does he do this now? I've got a million things to do to get ready for my trip! Grrrr....
I bet he's gone for the weekend anyway.
