It was only much further along in the process that I reached a point where I detached from his anger. I could see that it was entirely his issue, and vowed never to engage with him when he was angry, or to let him see me in tears. Instead, I'd calmly state, "H, that's not appropriate," and walk away, or just look at him and walk away. One day he admitted later, "When I saw you look at me like that, I knew I'd gone too far." If he followed me, I'd calmly refuse to engage with him. When he saw that I was no longer affected by them, the angry outbursts almost disappeared.
Would a similar approach work for you? You could start by practising in your head what you could say as you walked away, feeling the sense of detachment this would give you.
AS you are both saying, I will continue to try. But I tell you I haven't had much success. Occasionally I have. But usually he sees me walking away or saying anything as more aggression towards him and he blames me further.
Hope, it IS scary--I didn't write about all he's done. One time he threw a bag of garbage at me as I walked out. 2 days ago he came out by the truck as I was driving away with the nastiest look on his face and his fists clenched. He calls me a myriad of horrible names--C*nt, whore, you name it, I have heard it.
I have been in fear for my dogs--I try to put them out in the barn before I know I'm going to be in his presence.
I completely ANTICIPATE it will happen and you should too--stop being surprised that he does this--it's going to keeep on happening for MONTHS. I have a set of clothes in my car. I am prepared, mentally, to go to a hotel in town.
I know it's tough with a child. But it just has to be done. You have to do the work (sorry). He won't. He can't.
And YOU need to learn how to do this stuff. I want a good R someday. I HAVE to learn this anyway--or my next one will be the same. It's not going to magically disappear from me EITHER to stop being a victim--I HAVE to do it!
Oh, Hope, you and I need to see the humor in this stuff and I got a huge grin when your H said you were RUDE!! FREAKING HYSTERICAL!!! Can we switch H's for a while so you can laugh at mine and I can laugh at yours!! Why is this so hard to see IN THE MOMENT!
So what if the computer is "disgusting". You know this stuff is nonsense. He is looking for any and everything to bait you with. Nothing is perfect in anyone's home. Nothing is perfect in Ow's home. Get out and let him start to pick on her.
How do we get you to see how this will free you inside. When my C said I need to leave when H is like that--no wonder I fell in love with the guy---sheesh--it was the BIGGEST WEIGHT off my shoulders!! I have had some tough moments, but it doesn't compare to the FREEDOM of not having to ever, EVER sit and take that nonsense again!!
Itxted him and told him I wasn't comfortable with his tone of voice over the computer issue and I'd like it to be peaceful when we see each other. From now on I'll have my list ready to go.
Thank you for understanding - I'm so sorry you go through this too. I've also lived with it for nine years. Although H left me and says "we're just volitile together - it's just bad chemistry" he can say that because he is the WAS with all the power. But I know that I was miserable in my marriage and fought with him when he was like this. So I can still continue to set boundaries even though we are not together any more.
Dropping S off at his apt tonight. S was excited when we went to "visit" after school, but has been throwing tantrums since we got home. I can see he has mixed feelings and I'm so sad.
Those first times they're gone are so hard. Hell, it doesn't ever really get not hard, but you get used to it I guess.
When my H started having S at his place and not being here with him, in a way it also like a huge weight lifted because he wasn't in *my* home anymore. Once the overnights started, H did not have any visitation here anymore. I didn't let him come in further than the door. I didn't have to have the house "perfect" (my H is anal about clutter and mess and I'm not so good at it...) and I didn't have to be "on" anymore while he was here for hours.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
You just can't imagine how good getting that burdon off of you will feel. I have NEVER felt so good. I've been scared at times, but it still feels fantastic.
So my H today says--you run away whenver you don't want to deal with a problem. (no, H, I run when you raise your voice and get ugly--no I didn't think to say it until AFTER he left for work.)
Ugh--and I forgot to laugh--oh well. One of these days...
I was too busy thinking how SNEAKY he is turning this into a negative about me. I should just NOT be surprised anymore...
Hope, thinking of you tonight. I know how hard it was to let S stay overnight with your H. I hope that the trust that you're placing in both of them brings out their better sides. I especially hope that your S gets to see a softer side of your H when he is not acting like a cornered animal in your home.
How was your IC appointment?
My honest opinion is that you need to seriously focus on yourself right now. The stronger and happier you are as an individual, the more clearly you will see your sitch. But that will take time.
I totally agree that you need to set boundaries and walk away instantly when there is verbal abuse (and remove S if necessary). You've written that it doesn't "work" because of how your H reacts. Of course he doesn't like it that you are not engaging with him! It leaves him alone with his own sh!t. When dealing with abuse of any kind, an approach "works" if it protects you and your dignity.
I have to say that one of the silver linings of my separation and our custody arrangement is that I don't have to constantly deal with H's moodiness, little comments, etc. Now that I don't deal with it all the time, I notice it dragging me down and I'm amazed that I was able to tolerate so much of that. Sometimes our own strength is a weakness, because we can bear what we shouldn't.
You deserve better Hope. I hope that "better" is in the form of your H shaping up, but IMO he would have to seriously work at it.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
THank you all for the support. It means more than you'll ever know. I had my last dress rehearsal for my show tonight and took my time getting home - giving friends rides to their houses. I never do this when H is here or a babysitter. I'm just full of rage at my H right now.
And it helps to hear Laura has as much of a hard time with the walking away as I do. This gives me courage to keep it up. I too want a healthy relationship and I'm reading a book about abusive men and my H fits so much of it. I"m mad at myself for not being the WAS~!
It is freeing that H isn't here but I miss my son terribly - even if he was only sleeping I feel like my arm has been ripped out of my socket.
PS I followed your advice, Kalni - I smiled and told S to have a great time and saved my tears for later. I hate lying like that.
It's been about 3 years since the overnights started and Friday nights when S is not here, I still have to turn on the white noise machine that he sleeps to in his room so I can hear it through the baby monitor, otherwise I can't sleep.
You made it through last night though, right?! One big positive thing are the strong hugs you get when they get back. After being with my S 24/7 for years, it was nice to see he missed me when I wasn't with him.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
well it was confusing and painful yesterday =- S at dad's place kept saying "I love you the most dad" and "I wish this was my house"
and then he comes home and has a tantrum here over a broken lego "I want things to be the same" (psychologist in me reading a metaphor)
I don't know what to think but it sure was an ego boost for H
He kept sending me pictures I dont' know if it was to comfort me or to brag how great everything was = or to document it for the courts.
I'm so depressed today I feel I"ve lost everything.
I need to get that strength back, pull way back again....help!
and wow freckle - you only have to do it one night a week? My state favors 50-50 and I"m terrified H will try to take S 3-4 nights per week now that he's proven it goes so great...
Hope, most kids react like your son. Dont go into a antagonistic trip now. It's a trap. You are his mom. There is no "who is better parent" fight here.
Think about it: would you have felt better if your son came back terrified and didnt want to go to his dad again?
Hell, it doesn't ever really get not hard, but you get used to it I guess. 
I didn't have to have the house "perfect" (my H is anal about clutter and mess and I'm not so good at it...) and I didn't have to be "on" anymore while he was here for hours.