Invinceable

[MichelleLT]

Okay, now you have that list.

Time to force yourself to make a list focusing on what he did wrong.

You don't have to change what you turn in to your C. Your responses are definitely what you feel, and a symptom of the self-esteem you are still struggling to build. But step outside your comfort zone and make a list for him.

Try and come up with as many things he did wrong as you wrote for yourself. Just to get a balanced perspective.

[whatisis]

Hey, here's a thought. Write down what was happening when things were good in your marriage. How did you contribute to making that happen. How did he ...I'll bet it's harder to do than to think up all the things you and he did wrong. That's why it's a good thing to do! This is why marriage counseling often sucks, because people go in, talk about everything that's wrong (which they are both experts on anyway) and then leave feeling more demoralized and hopeless than when they went in. And, oh yes, the guy hears he's supposed to communicate like a woman does with her girlfriends...which goes over like a lead balloon...don't get me started...oops, too late. I'm done

[mishka422]

WII - I'll work on that list too.

The confusion continues and I'm feeling the need to sit him down and talk about WTH is going on with us. The interaction is just like when we were M'd. He is sleeping in my bed, there is MUCH more sex than there was in our M, however there is no intimacy. That would require communication of both of our desires and needs and that isn't happening. I don't have any idea what he wants. I'm beginning to see what I want but I honestly don't think I can have it. Not because I don't think I deserve it, but because I don't think he's capable of giving me what I need.

What do I want:

A rekindling of our romantic connection.
Honesty.
Trust.
To know what direction we are heading.

Why can't I have this?

He won't tell me what he thinks or feels. The status quo is enough for him.
My own fears of allowing him any closer.

Every night we snuggle up in bed just like we used to. I lay on his arm and we watch the news together. My twisted mind keeps thinking "did they do this together? What was she like with him? What made her so much better than me?" I want to ask him. I want to know. I need answers. But........I don't know what he wants from me in the long run so those questions don't seem appropriate. It's driving me CRAZY!

This all boils down to I am fairly certain I want to try to put our R back together. I have no idea if he wants the same thing.

[LolaL]

Mish...you are stronger than you think. And you deserve answers to your questions.

I know you want to put your R back together, and it sounds like you are on the right track. So lets look at some ways to address your questions without coming off like you are accusing (not that you do, but you do want to avoid that at all costs).

Think of some ways you can ask the questions using "I feel" etc...

List them, and lets see what you got!

[JCJ]

Hey Mishka,

First of all I am mega proud of you and how strong you are/ have been! Second of all your questions. I think you need to be more specific.

So... the positives!
- More sex (always good )
- You still have the marriage 'connection'
- You are cuddling together and feeling close.

Your wants. I think you need to be specific otherwise.

1. A rekindling of our romantic connection.
What will he be doing to make you feel romantically connected?
What will you be doing?
How will you know if you are feeling romantically connected?

2 and 3. Honesty and Trust
What would he be doing to make you feel that there is honesty and trust between you?

4. To know what direction we are heading.
Is there a more specific question here - I get the feeling it might be am I wasting my time or is there a chance it could work? Feel free to correct me if this is an assumption.

What you are feeling with regards to the ex ow is natural. You had a brilliant discussion before, you handled it amazingly. Have things changed since you last had that discussion?

Hope this is of some help...

[Kalni]

mish,
all I can say is "Good luck". Everything is possible, nothing is granted... But you know that by now, no?
Hugs
K

[ClingingToHope]

Nothing to add. Just checking in to see how things are progressing. I've read Piecing is way harder than divorcing.

[mishka422]

We're not really piecing....that's the thing. I don't know WTH to call it!!!!

I'm going to spend a lot of this weekend trying to be more specific with myself and you all. It has to help. You guys give me GREAT ideas and direction to take my thoughts. Without that I spin in circles like a darned dog chasing it's tail.

[LolaL]

I don't know, it sounds like piecing to me. You might want to check in w/ Jack or BND, they both went through the piecing phase and are pretty good at giving advice.

[mishka422]

Chris, how is it piecing? He hasn't said he wants our R, he didn't come back to me because he wanted to, he came back because he had no where else to go. I was convenient, nothing more. Now I'm a convenient piece of a$$.