WAH Comes Back Home in the Middle of the Night

[MAL]

Cathy,
I was very happy to see your news. I wanted to make a post yesterday, but I was afraid of what I would say.

You see my H also came home last year, but he left again. I wanted to give you some advice about what worked and what didn't work. But then I thought, maybe I'm not the one who should be helping her? If I didn't succeed.

But then I read your post from earlier today, and I see you having the same thoughts and reactions that I did. I struggled with many of the same emotions, and it was so confusing. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. So, I thought I'd share with you what I saw during that 12 days when he was home.

We did have some physical contact, kissing, hugging, holding hands. Some intitiated by him, and some by me. But he was not interested in me sexually at all. Obvious remants of OW, and an indication to me that he wasn't over her. We finally did ML the day before he left again, but that was more of my desperate attempt to keep him. I felt horrible and cheap after. I'd say let him find the spot that is comfortable for him. Test the waters, and if he seems to enjoy the emotional/physical connection, then try it again.

My H went to bed early every night. But my H was also suffering from a deep depression. He was barely able to function for the first few days. He seemed to get better when he went back to work the following week, but I later found out that it was because he was in contact with OW. (They work at the same office.)

Does your H seem like himself? Does he seem depressed? Many times when they are coming away from an A, they have a hard time of letting go of OW. And when they try, they go into a deep depression. The link between them is very hard to break. But obviously, if your H is home, that link IS BREAKABLE -- thank goodness, huh?

My H also came home from work late, no calls. Even after I told him that was one of the things that I needed from him. I found that my needs were not as important as his. When I saw that your H came home late, my first thought was "Was he working or with her?" Of course, you answered that in your next sentence.

I don't think my H ever made a clean break from OW, and never completely invested himself back into our M. Because of that, I lost him again.

Like what you are experiencing, we also didn't spend any time together, other than watching a movie one night. No dates, no time to rebuild our M. We did go to one C session though. Again, with my H, that was him trying to get settled back into our M, and trying to let go of the R with the OW.

I did no R talks, and never asked about OW. It seemed to be important to him to have the space he needed to adjust. He told me he needed some time. When we finally did have R talks, they were initiated by him, and it was obvious that he was ready to share with me.

I did say ILY, but he never returned it. That really hurt. If you do decide to say that, he may not return it. I hope he does, but be prepared either way okay?

Again, I'm no expert, but I think you're right about your H talking to you about his reasons for being at OW's. In his time, he will open up and talk to you about what is happening. Just like this is a confusing time for you, it is also a confusing time for him.

I know exactly how you feel...Should I say this? Should I do that? Am I pushing him? I don't want to make him uncomfortable? Is he thinking about her? Etc... You are in a tough spot right now. But do your best to be yourself, give him the space and time he needs to adjust.

There are some really great books out there, in case you haven't read them. Of course Michelle's books are great. I also read something like "After the Affair", and several others. Unfortunately they are still packed in boxes and I can't get to them. Otherwise, I'd be happy to give you the titles. These books helped me understand what H was going through, and helped me understand how to react, and what we needed to do to rebuild our M. They were awesome!

He'll find his way. You just show him that unconditional love that you obviously have in you, and have faith that he will get there. When he does, you'll be there with open arms.

And above all else....Pray like crazy. God will lead you and give you the strength and faith that you need to get you through. I don't know what I would have done without the kind of faith that moves mountains.

Sorry for the long post, but I felt like I needed to share some of those experiences with you. Your posts could have been written by me a year ago, and I had to try to help. If you have any questions, or need anything, I would love to help or at least try to tell you what happened.

I am so very happy for you! And I'm looking forward to reading your next post.