What to do when their friends suggest leaving?

[DaddyLongShanks]

I agree with robx here. If someone wants to leave let em leave. Its better for you and its better for her.

The db methods will allow the world to work better for you. If she's yours, you will have her later or she will change her mind. You can't make her do it though.

[Steve McQueen]

Not one to beat around the bush too much, being the "shallow, evil, clueless male" most of ya'll have me pegged as being . . . .

I didnt get that from anything anyone wrote.

Why the anger?

[Coach]

Again: Anyone actually TRIED anything?

Yes and it worked.

Okay . . .what worked? Please elaborate, if that wasn't just a cheap shot.

What worked? Start at the beginning of this thread and read. Try opening your mind to new ideas. You think any of us here just want to yank somebody's chain? We have walked the walk and have thrived as a result.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Coach,

I think they where asking in brief your sitch and what technique did you particurly use that helped it to recover.

[Greek]

BO,
I will tell you what Coach did to win me back - after I left our home and filed for D. He stopped doing all the other things that got me to the point of walking out of the door. He stopped trying to arrange my reactions. He stopped trying to control what I would think or do. He stopped telling me how I should feel. He stopped telling me what would happen if... He dropped the rope and said WITH HIS ACTIONS: "Greek, I can see that you are hell bent on leaving for reasons that you have made abundantly clear to me. Some of those reasons have merit and I will deal with them for my own sake. But I can't keep you here and I won't try. The action I will take is to work on areas in my life that have contributed to the difficulties in our R and other R in my life; I will begin to take care of myself in a way I have neglected for some time now (GAL); I will handle protect myself against the legal action you took against our M; I will conduct myself with strength and honor." This was and is totally attractive! It's strong. It's confident. It's respectful - both of me and of Coach.

It's not about 'doing nothing.' It's about doing what works - putting the ACTION in the right place.

Greek

[DumpedforMIL]

Greek,
if that doesn't get through to BO, then i don't know what will.

thanks for providing me with some inspiration.
my process is moving through slowly. i want to make sure i'm on the right path.

i wish someone would post a similar response but from a man's perspective. what made a man go from inilwy to i want you back?

[CityGirl]

I am still confused as to why you feel your character is being judged. IMO this has nothing do with character. Nobody has called you names yet you seem to be very upset.

A specific action that most probably won't pan out how you hoped is not the same as assassinating your character as a whole.

If you really dig in to other threads you will see a trend with WAS's... they do not like to be presented articles, websites, books or have C'ing suggested to them. That is the reason many of suggested you not give her the article as it very well might have the opposite effect you hoped for. And while you might not feel it is a controlling act on your part, why not at least ponder the idea of how it is perceived by others?

Nobody is suggesting you are a controlling human being. Many times though a LBS takes specific actions that are controlling due to their loss of control over the situation. That doesn't make you a bad person or a person with flawed character. In fact, it makes you pretty normal.

You keep stating that "doing nothing" is not in your nature. Ok, I get that but the best thing you can do is not focus on your WAS and what she is doing and focus 110% on you. Addressing your own flaws/issues (we all have them) certainly is not "doing nothing".

There are many people on this forum who are going through their second divorce. It's not unreasonable to ask what you learned about yourself and marriage after the first time around. IMO that can provide an awful lot of insight as to why things are heading the way they are heading in your second marriage. And yes, I understand children, finances, jobs, extended family <insert issue here> play secondary roles but what about your role? The question isn't about blame, not in the least. Improvement must start with self examination for all of us.

[Bummedout]

. . . . and she actually listened to these morons?

Didn't I cover this already?
She doesn't listen to them.
She has made her own decision already based on her relationship with you up to this point.
She talks to them, she shares her feelings/emotions with them, they are her friends, they agree with her, they may even make suggestions which she'll be open to considering, short sighted ones at that but in the end it's to make her feel better.

I told you already, she's "in love" with her feelings, she believes what she is doing is the right thing to do and her friends agree with her because they want her to feel better, they're not going to fight with her, they're going to encourage her to do what "feels" right.

I already know all this . . . and I'm also aware that when people are encouraged to do "what feels right" to them in the first place . . . they often do it. Hence, my wanting to understand this particular part of my problem.

Everything about db'ing is counter-intuitive and until you realize that . . .

That's not actually true, even by Michelles standards. Some things are, but not everything.

you're going to be asking the same questions and for what it's worth, you are starting to sound like a moron . . .

Cheap shot noted.

. . . you have people posting on your thread, giving you advice . . .

As I've said about half a dozen times or more . . .I'm not looking for advice. I'm looking to hear peoples actual experiences with attempting to mitigate damage relative to their discussions with friends. But . . .for some reason people keep trying to give me advice . . .which I didn't ask for, and don't particularly want.

[MrBond]

So why bother asking for people's experiences? I mean those you could read for yourself. In an indirect way you're looking for advice, but want to come up with your own plan of action with what might have worked for other people.

If that's what you want, just say so. You're starting to come across as pretty arrogant and rude for people who have nothing but good intentions.

I'm just curious...do you take this tone with your W too?

[robx]

- do you really invest time in keeping track of "cheap shots"?

- if you really want to learn about other people's experiences then "my advice to you" is to read other people's threads instead of asking them to regurgitate those experiences on your thread for your benefit.

good luck!