Meeting H at lunch today to go over our budget, which we do every other week when we get paid.
I feel like we’re stuck in a rut. The only time we spend together is every other week for lunch hour.
I want to talk to him more and spend more time being his friend.
Temporary weakness.
Should I ask him what’s up in his life? Or just ignore the elephant in the room?
I want to say “H, I really miss being your friend and hanging out. I miss doing fun things together.” However, I believe if I do that, he’ll just see it as weakness and him having the power.
I really feel like right now, H is keeping me on the line in case R with OW doesn’t work out.
I keep thinking – give it time, the bomb was 3/29 and that only happened b/c I snooped, not b/c he was ready to reveal, although he told his mother he was almost ready to reveal.
Here I feel strong and I’m getting stronger and then this happens, I have to interact with him and I suddenly feel weak and impotent.
I want to make the most of every interaction with him.
I need some strong friends to come on here that have BTDT and help me with what I should do.
I need to come from a place of strength when I see him, I don’t feel he respects me at all.
The more I think and the longer I’m here, the more I think perhaps this is just an A and not a MLC, but that may also be b/c I haven’t had any spewed hatred at me for some time and I’ve left him alone to live his life.
I also feel like saying “this is just not working for me, I do not want to be the little fish while you are after the big fish.” But then, if it’s a MLC, I’d be pushing him and I don’t know if I should do that. I don’t want to push him out the door…
