So my husband's having an EA with one of his grad students and after doing more of the same that didn't work, I decided to do a 180 - which also doesn't seem to be working. He's coming home later, spending more time with OW, and generally enjoying that I'm not interfering in any way.
He's sleeping in a separate room, spending very little time with the kids, and loving that I'm not keeping tabs on him. This has been going on for 3 weeks. The wedding ring's gone, he doesn't account for his time, and I'm left to do all the parenting while he stays out until all hours.
Not exactly the turnaround I was looking for. Any suggestions?
Personally, I would file for a seperation.... that is just me though. AND I would notify the school he teaches at, with some hard evidence so he can not deny things. Also, when the school year ended I would move temporarily to be closer to family maybe, possibly.
I sorry, but I have a feelings that EA may mean actually PA.
I bet others would have better advice....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I HAVE notified the university, which is why he's now in a separate room. I embarassed him and now's he's "punishing" me, as if the torture of the EA wasn't enough...
I was just thinking he might be testing you. One idea is to keep it up for 2 more weeks. IF your gut tells you NO WAY am I going to put up with this for 2 more weeks, then let us know and we can offer next suggestions. I would like to know what 180s you have been doing, too!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
What punitive things has the university done to him? Anything? Reprimands?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Hi Seeing Red - I am worried my husband is loving my 180 too, but the sitch is different because he is living elsewhere currently.
Since I'm just now learning how to handle these situations myself, I don't have sage advice. But I do wonder if he needs things to not be so easy at home. Like, he gets you off his back and not caring, but also doesn't get any of the benefits of a wife - no laundry, cooking, etc. if you currently do those things. If he's a decent dad, maybe you can force the childcare help - I've told my H point blank that I'm keeping track of his contact with D and if he decides not to spend time with her than this is fine - it will just affect him in a custody hearing. Not 100% sure it would affect him, but he believes me that it would. Are you keeping a journal of his limited involvement with the kids? Can you hire a babysitter to GAL yourself?
180's are good but your H probably will not notice right away with OW around. Getting his next fix of her is all he sees and can think about. Not you, not kids, not your home, and many forget about their work as well.
You need a plan to bust the affair. Don't say or do anything until you have a plan ready.
Here is what I suggest:
First: Collect intel. You need info (ie names, phone #s addresses emails) on OW, her family, friends. (Does she have an assistantship? Is she wanting one?!) Common friends of your marriage, H's close colleagues AND spouses. Your family members. Make a list of them all. Then cross out any that will not be supportive of your marriage. Star the ones that will be most supportive. I think you also need more evidence of A. Have H followed to see where they meet, call records, emails etc. Don't confront H with what you find! Keep it to yourself for now. Do this as quickly as you can.
Then you will expose the affair. (I started a thread on that topic. It includes everything you need to know now on that).
Will you be willing to toss him out or leave yourself? You will need to get out of the way after exposure, at least for awhile. It will be harder to protect yourself if you both stay in the home but that can be done for awhile.
You are dealing with an addiction and must use tough love along with DBing. But don't fly off the handle without a plan!
Not everyone will agree with this approach. Affairs like this can go on for 6 months to 3 years left on their own. You can do this in such a way as to protect you, your marriage, your family, while maintaining self-respect and even earning your H's admiration. You seem to be doing a good job so far! I made soooo many mistakes after I first found out.
Post your ideas. I and others will be along to help you fine tune your plan.
Some questions: How long has A been going on? How did you find out? Who knows at H's work? Have you read "Not just Friends" By Shirley Glass? Kids? Ages? What do they know?
How about you? Are you eating and sleeping ok? H in sep room is probably best right now. You need time to think. AND Many EA's quickly become PAs after APs share their feelings with each other.(Barf)
(((SR)))))
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
It's been going on for 3 years. I started getting suspicious about two years ago and when I finally looked at the cell phone records in Jul 08 and saw that they were texting each other back and forth 1,000 a month (30x a day!), I confronted him and demanded that she be moved to another lab. He said no, she couldn't, she'd used up her lab rotations and had to stay. He said it wasn't physical but he wanted it to be. I told him I couldn't deal with him going to work everyday knowing he wanted to sleep with one of his students. He told me she couldn't move.
I tried to deal with it as best I could, but did all the usual things - read books, went through all his stuff, found receipts for gifts he'd sent her, cards she'd send him, etc. I asked questions and after a few interrogation sessions, he told me to drop it, that if I kept asking questions, he'd leave.
We started spending more time together, which helped. He also started working a lot less. All good. But I knew the EA hadn't stopped and had my suspicions confirmed when 2 other grad students stopped me one day (we live close to the Univ) and told me that H & OW spent most of their time at work alone together in his office. They also told me how OW had bragged about having him "wrapped around her little finger," and that he was good for her career. When I confronted him with this, he demanded to know who the grad students were and how dare I believe them instead of him. I told him she had to go. He told me no.
Needless to say, I couldn't deal with that. After reading the university's rules about prof-student relationships, I exposed the affair to his superiors in Feb 09 and fully expected her to be removed from his lab. She wasn't. In fact, the Provost told him that as long as they were consenting adults, they wouldn't get involved. They wouldn't even follow their own rules! So who got in trouble? Me! He withdrew all affection and started "working" crazy hours again. He also started talking separation.
Things got better after a while and by Christmas, I thought we were in the clear. He seemed like his old self again and I was ready to close that chapter of our lives.
But the first week in January, he told me he wanted to separate. Turns out, she was on vacation during the Christmas break, which is why he seemed so normal. But he missed her and from what I've gathered since, she told him she wouldn't sleep with him unless he was divorced.
I managed to talk him into staying but also discovered that she was driving him home 3-4x a week and dropping him off on the side street a house away. I got a small hobby camera, mounted it on the fence where she was dropping him, and got a video of him getting out of her car.
Then, because I'd been penalized for exposing the affair the first time, I pretended to be someone else and exposed it again via email to OW and several people in the dept, attaching the video as proof. Next thing I know, the University Police are at my door with a search warrant to seize my computer. When they got the proof they needed, OW had me arrested on various charges and my husband told me he was leaving. He moved to the basement instead and stopped wearing his wedding ring.
So...
I asked him to get rid of her, he said no. I exposed the affair, he withdrew all affection. I try to embarrass and shame OW, I get arrested and he moves to the basement.
It's been ridiculous and I'm beginning to wonder if he's really worth it. Every now and again I see flashes of the man I married, and I think, "yeah, we may survive this." Then he acts like an idiot and I'm not so sure.
I'm fighting the charges and my attorney sent me a copy of the police report, which includes statements from OW, my husband, and me. Perhaps the saddest thing is that OW statements confirm what the 2 grad students told me 18 months ago: that she's using him to advance her career. She said in her interview that while my husband would like to sleep with her, and told her numerous times that he planned to leave me, she has NO plans for an intimate relationship with him, regardless of his marital status.
Nice, huh? Destroying my marriage is ok with her so long as it advances her career.
I have not shown him the police report because he'd probably just accuse me of forging that statement. She does no wrong in his eyes.
Affairs typically last 6 months to 3 years, eh? So why isn't this one over and done with? Why are they both being so belligerent? There's no remorse or shame or embarrassment - just shoot the messenger and cast off the crazy wife who won't look the other way like everyone they work with does.
What planet are these people from?!
As for the 180: I've been as sweet and easy-going as possible, have stopped checking in via text throughout the day or evenings when he's "working" late. I've also stopped doing his laundry, making his coffee, and holding dinner for him so we can eat as a family. If he doesn't show up while we're eating, he has cold leftovers or forges for himself.
I've seen a few behavioral changes, but I'm not sure how to interpret them and have scheduled a session with one of the coaches for feedback. He used to unwind by sitting in front of the TV in his recliner with a whiskey nightcap, then turn in around 1:30 or 2 am. He'd sleep in while I'd get the kids up, make lunches, and drive them to school. The last week he worked late, skipped the unwind and nightcap, went to bed around midnight, and was up by 7:15 to spend some morning time with the kids before school. He's giving them lots of hugs and kisses (none for me). I assumed it was because they kept waking him up since the kitchen is above his bed. Now I'm not so sure.
He's also being a pain about the finances. I've always handled the checkbook, and he never asked questions, not for 20+ years. After the last exposure, he stopped having his check direct deposited into the household account. Now I must ask him for money to run the house and show him all the bills and credit card statements. He wants access to EVERYTHING. It's driving me crazy, especially since this is so damn one-sided. He wants me to account for every penny, yet he can spend every evening working late and I'm not supposed to ask questions?
Testing? Control? Getting ready to abscond with all the cash and leave me high and dry? I just don't know...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Whatnow is correct, I believe. Hire a PI and gather as much evidence to produce to court as possible.
You need to PROTECT yourself and your children from this man with his addictive behavior.
If he is controlling the money, there is no other choice. He has proven to you time and time again in excess of 3 years that he is untrustworthy.
I mean he is not much of a husband now anyhow, right? Coming home late. Not interacting with you. Does he even make time for the kids?
So, if you can file for seperation in your state, I think you need to do so. If you can move to another area or at least have him out of the house.
Honetly, I think it would be emotionally healthy for you to have a break from all of this and have som e IC for you to see where the line stand for you.
I mean to the point where he and OW are filing charges against you and he is siding with the OW. Wow! I think it is time to re-evaluate if you can see reconcilliation occuing in your marriage. I mean not him coming back to you but YOU even wanting him back at this point.
Sincerely, I believe this womanis also having sex with him. If they are in his office for hours on end and with th ebehavior and thought pattern she exhibits.....
People here talk about boundaries and counsequences. So you would not be attempting to control the situation but state what YOU can not tolerate and the result of it.
ie. "If you decide to continue with her, I will be forced to leave" "You can do with your life as you please, I can not longer life in an open marraige..."
I'm sure others can word it better.
This man to feel real CONSEQUENCES or the status quo will never change.
You can state that while you love him and still want to work on the marriage, you have no choice but to file. If he decides he would like a second chance that will be steps that he has to take.
I mean, right now, is really a husband for you? Is he in involved and loving?
What are you willing to accept after 3 plus years of this.....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
