It's been going on for 3 years. I started getting suspicious about two years ago and when I finally looked at the cell phone records in Jul 08 and saw that they were texting each other back and forth 1,000 a month (30x a day!), I confronted him and demanded that she be moved to another lab. He said no, she couldn't, she'd used up her lab rotations and had to stay. He said it wasn't physical but he wanted it to be. I told him I couldn't deal with him going to work everyday knowing he wanted to sleep with one of his students. He told me she couldn't move.
I tried to deal with it as best I could, but did all the usual things - read books, went through all his stuff, found receipts for gifts he'd sent her, cards she'd send him, etc. I asked questions and after a few interrogation sessions, he told me to drop it, that if I kept asking questions, he'd leave.
We started spending more time together, which helped. He also started working a lot less. All good. But I knew the EA hadn't stopped and had my suspicions confirmed when 2 other grad students stopped me one day (we live close to the Univ) and told me that H & OW spent most of their time at work alone together in his office. They also told me how OW had bragged about having him "wrapped around her little finger," and that he was good for her career. When I confronted him with this, he demanded to know who the grad students were and how dare I believe them instead of him. I told him she had to go. He told me no.
Needless to say, I couldn't deal with that. After reading the university's rules about prof-student relationships, I exposed the affair to his superiors in Feb 09 and fully expected her to be removed from his lab. She wasn't. In fact, the Provost told him that as long as they were consenting adults, they wouldn't get involved. They wouldn't even follow their own rules! So who got in trouble? Me! He withdrew all affection and started "working" crazy hours again. He also started talking separation.
Things got better after a while and by Christmas, I thought we were in the clear. He seemed like his old self again and I was ready to close that chapter of our lives.
But the first week in January, he told me he wanted to separate. Turns out, she was on vacation during the Christmas break, which is why he seemed so normal. But he missed her and from what I've gathered since, she told him she wouldn't sleep with him unless he was divorced.
I managed to talk him into staying but also discovered that she was driving him home 3-4x a week and dropping him off on the side street a house away. I got a small hobby camera, mounted it on the fence where she was dropping him, and got a video of him getting out of her car.
Then, because I'd been penalized for exposing the affair the first time, I pretended to be someone else and exposed it again via email to OW and several people in the dept, attaching the video as proof. Next thing I know, the University Police are at my door with a search warrant to seize my computer. When they got the proof they needed, OW had me arrested on various charges and my husband told me he was leaving. He moved to the basement instead and stopped wearing his wedding ring.
So...
I asked him to get rid of her, he said no. I exposed the affair, he withdrew all affection. I try to embarrass and shame OW, I get arrested and he moves to the basement.
It's been ridiculous and I'm beginning to wonder if he's really worth it. Every now and again I see flashes of the man I married, and I think, "yeah, we may survive this." Then he acts like an idiot and I'm not so sure.
I'm fighting the charges and my attorney sent me a copy of the police report, which includes statements from OW, my husband, and me. Perhaps the saddest thing is that OW statements confirm what the 2 grad students told me 18 months ago: that she's using him to advance her career. She said in her interview that while my husband would like to sleep with her, and told her numerous times that he planned to leave me, she has NO plans for an intimate relationship with him, regardless of his marital status.
Nice, huh? Destroying my marriage is ok with her so long as it advances her career.
I have not shown him the police report because he'd probably just accuse me of forging that statement. She does no wrong in his eyes.
Affairs typically last 6 months to 3 years, eh? So why isn't this one over and done with? Why are they both being so belligerent? There's no remorse or shame or embarrassment - just shoot the messenger and cast off the crazy wife who won't look the other way like everyone they work with does.
What planet are these people from?!
As for the 180: I've been as sweet and easy-going as possible, have stopped checking in via text throughout the day or evenings when he's "working" late. I've also stopped doing his laundry, making his coffee, and holding dinner for him so we can eat as a family. If he doesn't show up while we're eating, he has cold leftovers or forges for himself.
I've seen a few behavioral changes, but I'm not sure how to interpret them and have scheduled a session with one of the coaches for feedback. He used to unwind by sitting in front of the TV in his recliner with a whiskey nightcap, then turn in around 1:30 or 2 am. He'd sleep in while I'd get the kids up, make lunches, and drive them to school. The last week he worked late, skipped the unwind and nightcap, went to bed around midnight, and was up by 7:15 to spend some morning time with the kids before school. He's giving them lots of hugs and kisses (none for me). I assumed it was because they kept waking him up since the kitchen is above his bed. Now I'm not so sure.
He's also being a pain about the finances. I've always handled the checkbook, and he never asked questions, not for 20+ years. After the last exposure, he stopped having his check direct deposited into the household account. Now I must ask him for money to run the house and show him all the bills and credit card statements. He wants access to EVERYTHING. It's driving me crazy, especially since this is so damn one-sided. He wants me to account for every penny, yet he can spend every evening working late and I'm not supposed to ask questions?
Testing? Control? Getting ready to abscond with all the cash and leave me high and dry? I just don't know...
